Satirical News Service
Washington, DC
Washington, DC
In a stunning
concession to the growing outcry against military style assault rifles and extended
ammunition clips after the recent Connecticut shooting, the NRA today broke its
silence conceding that some measures
were needed to prevent this from happening again. They've called it the “Spare the Glock, Spoil the Child”
policy. In this proposal they recommend arming every school employee so
that they can shoot the shooter first. Pointing out how successful this worked
for Neighborhood Watch Committees in Florida they recommended more heat in the
classroom. The NRA suggested that school children also should be allowed to
carry loaded fire arms into the classroom. When asked whether a 5 year old should be
allowed to carry a loaded assault rifle to school, the NRA spokesperson replied “That’s completely ridiculous! A five year
old can’t control a weapon as heavy as a loaded assault rifle! -- Something like a 38 police special or Glock 45 is much more appropriate for someone that old. Assault
rifles should only be in the hands of someone 9 and older.” They also recommended requiring students to
wear school uniforms made of Kevlar.
Also in a move of tremendous compassion, the NRA stated that
it would give free of charge a
Bushmaster AK-47 semi-automatic assault rifle with extended ammunition clip to
every parent who has lost a child to gun violence. “We know that this can never
completely replace the loss you have suffered, but once you get your hands
around this new baby and cuddle its cold steel and raw power to your chest,
and feel it unleash it’s unbridled power, that no bleeding hearted liberal gun
hating congressman can take away from you, it will ease the loss you have
suffered.”
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