"Silence of the Lions" - Minnesota Dentist was Serial Lion Killer

Satirical News Service
Minneapolis, MN

It turns out that "Cecil" was not the only famous lion James Palmer had stalked and killed. He had in fact been a serial "Famous Lion" killer for some time before this. When FBI raided Walter James Palmer’s Minnesota Home they found this grim sight. Included in his gruesome collection was Detroit Lions quarterback Mathew Stafford, The New York Public Library Lion, the MGM lion, Simba from the Lion King, and The Cowardly Lion, all mounted on his wall.  It appears he had been preparing a site for his newest trophy, "Cecil", for some time before now.

Shocking Discovery Found in New Windows 10 OS

Satirical News Service
Redmond, WA

FBI officials made a shocking discovery buried in the new Windows 10 operating system released today by Microsoft. Going on an anonymous tip, the FBI found what they believe are the decaying remains of “Clippy”. Clippy was once a prized feature of Windows, but then mysteriously went missing several years ago. Today the grim reality of his fate became apparent when software investigators uncovered a shallow indentation and several lines of fragmented software code buried  deep within the Windows 10 operating system.  The exact cause of clippy’s demise is not known for certain, but sources are stating that foul play was most likely the cause. At Microsoft’s headquarters in Redmond, Washington, sources there are refusing to say anything, but Cortina has been listed as a Person-of-Interest in the case. 

Iran Arms Deal Hits snag over “Right to Bear Arms” Clause

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Within days of being able to close a ground breaking treaty with Iran to limit their ability to produce nuclear weapons, the deal has hit a brick wall. Opponents of the treaty in Iran have slipped an amendment into their new constitution that guarantees the right of their citizens to “own and bear arms.” While the provisions of the new treaty agreement prohibits the government of Iran from developing and testing nuclear armament, it does not apply to individuals in Iran. This new  Second Amendment  provision would basically permit any Iranian individual to develop and keep nuclear  and other weapons of mass destruction. In addition, the Iranians have passed a “Stand-Your-Ground –Against-Zionist-Terrorists-and-Enemies-of-the-Faith” Law that allows any Iranian to use lethal force including nuclear weapons  if they feel threatened by “Zionists Terrorists or Enemies of the Faith”. They went further by scrapping any background checks or waiting period for individuals from any terrorist group from purchasing nuclear and other weapons from individuals at Islamic Gun Shows.

Negotiators from the Iranian government who have gone to great lengths to broker this deal have expressed their profound frustration. Said one negotiator, “It’s one thing to go up against Western Infidels, but another thing entirely to go up against gun rights groups here in Iran.”

Bobby Jindal Demands Stricter Control on Sale of Movie Theaters Tickets

Satirical News Service
Baton Rouge, LA

Today Governor Bobby Jindal urged the Louisiana State Legislature to pass tighter controls over the sale and distribution of movie tickets. Stating that it was appalling that just anyone can legally purchase movie tickets regardless of history or mental problems or domestic abuse he went on to say, “It’s even possible for anyone to buy as many tickets as they please without anyone asking any questions. There are no control s over these so called Multiplexes that can legally offer multiple showings in as many as 10 different theaters with little or no controls over who attends these. The current R, NR,X, G, and PG ratings system is too lax to stop a mentally deranged person from attending these showings. The only way to prevent such tragedies to pass much stricter controls on who can attend movies and limit the movies number of movies that a theater can show and to only show G rated movies. While I realize this poses an inconvenience to law-bidding movie goers who just want see a movie, we have a duty to protect those people exercising their lawful 2^nd amendment right to bear arms who might decide to attend one of these theaters and then happen to go off the rails.”

In other news the same Louisiana State Legislature rejected mandatory background checks for people wishing to purchase handguns, and limit the sale of gun sales at gun shows without any background checks.

Donald Trump's Visit to the US-Mexico Border

Caitlin Jenner says “I’ve Had It!” Wants to Go Back To Being A Man

Satirical News Service
Los Angeles, CA

After less than 6 months from his/her dramatic coming out as a woman, Caitlin Jenner says “I’ve had it!” She announced today that she plans to revert back to a man ASAP.

“My feet are killing me from walking around in heels, my bras don’t fit, and the bloating each month…I just can’t do this anymore! Every time I try to eat a good meal, all I get is ‘Aren’t you watching your figure?’ My thighs feel like tree stumps and I’m developing a muffin top."

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Jenner plans to undergo surgery to reverse the process. FOX TV has already planned to film the reverse transformation as a sequel to their new series Caitin.

Small Businesses Upset over Amazon's Unannounced Election Day in July Sale

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Many small business owners were upset over Amazon Inc.’s unannounced sale of Candidates. Apparently advance notices were sent out to only select corporations and special interest groups who then had the opportunity to buy candidates at very reduced prices. one special interest chairman said  “I’m really steamed about this, I could have bought Hillary Clinton for less than half of what she’d cost me in November". Another upset business owner said he had plans to buy Scott Walker to bust the food packing unions in his state.” I could have got him for pennies on the dollar. Now it’ll cost me nearly triple if I have to go to ebay or PAC sites to buy candidates.”

Notices apparently went out to only selected big interest groups and large Corporations prior to the sale well in advance, and only last minute to smaller special interest groups and business who did not have time to prepare to take advantage of the bargains offered.

Surprise Deal to Save Greece Economy

Satirical News Service
Athens, Greece

In a last minute deal to save Greece from withdrawing from the Euro, a surprise last minute player has provided the necessary funds to help bail out the beleaguered Greek economy. It did however come with a few strings attached.

DAR Demands the removal of the Union Jack on Hawaii State Flag

Satirical News Service
Honolulu, HI

The DAR (Daughters of The American Revolution) today staged a protest in front of the Hawaii Statehouse to protest the inclusion of the  British Union Jack on the Hawaii State Flag. Their spokesperson was quoted as saying,

"This symbol is most loathsome to us. Our forefathers fought and died so that the Union Jack flag would no longer fly in our faces. It represents all the tyrannical things that King George III did to us - taxes, harboring soldiers in our homes, taking away our arms, and installing Tory governors. To us it's an intolerable insult. We are demanding a re-design of that hated symbol of British oppression in our colonies, and replace it with something more patriotic - perhaps maybe a musket."

Orbitz Announces New Model for College Education

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

The huge travel company Orbitz today announced a radical new plan to change the model of how undergrad college degrees are offered. Traditionally colleges were brick-and-mortar institutions with tedious and contentious admissions policies and a huge price tag to boot. Students have been forced to take out loans in the tens of thousands of dollars creating lifelong dept.  Orbitz feels that it can change this the same way that they and others have changed the Travel Industry. From this point forward, the admissions process is dead. Students will book class the same way they book seats on airlines. Classes will have three tiers – Prestige Class, Professional Class, and Middle Class. Naturally Prestige class will carry a high price tag, and like airlines that offer only First Class and Business Class service, some prestigious Ivy League colleges will offer only Prestigious fares. For most colleges though, it will open up the market with class costs varying on an daily basis the same way airline prices do. Orbitz will offer special college packages that bundle together classes from multiple institutions at greatly discounted prices, so students can obtain degrees at much lower prices depending on time of year, hour the classes are offered and where they are offered. Since many institutions are now offering degrees online, where you take the class is no longer an issue. Students may elect to take Pre-Med classes such as Chemistry and Biology at Ivy League colleges like Harvard and Yale, but take less essential prerequisite classes such as English or languages at a much less costlier institution online. Degrees will be earned based upon standard core a curriculum combined with specialized courses. Much like the airlines, students can elect to take a class on a no-cancellation basis or pay more and have the option of cancelling a class and getting a refund. Some institutions might offer bundles that include free or discounted text books, and virtual and real campuses where students can network and socialize. Red-eye classes offered at night and early morning will cost less than those offered at a more reasonable hour. Credit card companies are planning to partner with colleges and offer points toward education for purchases, and extra points if the card is used for paying for courses. No longer will race, ethnicity, parentage or other factors be a factor for admission. It’s all cash on the barrel, and availability of seats in a classroom. Enjoy the ride!

Treasury Department Reveals Design of New Ten Dollar Bill

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

After months of speculation, the US Treasury Department today finally revealed the new design of the Ten Dollar Bill that for the first time features of woman. Jacob Lew, the current Secretary stated, "We feel this selection represents just how important we view the role in women in America today".
The public has already coined the name for this new bill as "The Jenner".