Orbitz Announces New Model for College Education

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

The huge travel company Orbitz today announced a radical new plan to change the model of how undergrad college degrees are offered. Traditionally colleges were brick-and-mortar institutions with tedious and contentious admissions policies and a huge price tag to boot. Students have been forced to take out loans in the tens of thousands of dollars creating lifelong dept.  Orbitz feels that it can change this the same way that they and others have changed the Travel Industry. From this point forward, the admissions process is dead. Students will book class the same way they book seats on airlines. Classes will have three tiers – Prestige Class, Professional Class, and Middle Class. Naturally Prestige class will carry a high price tag, and like airlines that offer only First Class and Business Class service, some prestigious Ivy League colleges will offer only Prestigious fares. For most colleges though, it will open up the market with class costs varying on an daily basis the same way airline prices do. Orbitz will offer special college packages that bundle together classes from multiple institutions at greatly discounted prices, so students can obtain degrees at much lower prices depending on time of year, hour the classes are offered and where they are offered. Since many institutions are now offering degrees online, where you take the class is no longer an issue. Students may elect to take Pre-Med classes such as Chemistry and Biology at Ivy League colleges like Harvard and Yale, but take less essential prerequisite classes such as English or languages at a much less costlier institution online. Degrees will be earned based upon standard core a curriculum combined with specialized courses. Much like the airlines, students can elect to take a class on a no-cancellation basis or pay more and have the option of cancelling a class and getting a refund. Some institutions might offer bundles that include free or discounted text books, and virtual and real campuses where students can network and socialize. Red-eye classes offered at night and early morning will cost less than those offered at a more reasonable hour. Credit card companies are planning to partner with colleges and offer points toward education for purchases, and extra points if the card is used for paying for courses. No longer will race, ethnicity, parentage or other factors be a factor for admission. It’s all cash on the barrel, and availability of seats in a classroom. Enjoy the ride!