Death Panels Eliminated in New Republican Affordable Healthcare Act

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

The Republican led Congress is over the moon for the fact that The “Death Panels” in Obamacare have been now been completely eliminated in the new Republican ACA.  if you wanted to get healthcare through one of the federally sponsored insurance pools under Obamacare, you had to appear before a “Death Panel” Although no one ever knew of anyone who actually had to do this, they were certainly there! Now in our Republican ACA bill, we’ve completely eliminate the need for these. Anyone who earns more than $50,000 a year, has no pre-existing or serious medical problems automatically get a bye. No need to appear before any panel at all! As for the rest of those people who have serious medical problems and low incomes, well, there are still plenty of good insurance policies that cover burial expenses at very reasonable costs.

Sources Confirm that Kim Jong-un has Acquired “The Art of The Deal”

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Sources in the State Department have confirmed our worst fears, that Kim Jong-un has acquired at least one copy of Donald Trump’s, The Art of the Deal. It is uncertain exactly how he has acquired this but many fingers point to Dennis Rodman who was seen with a copy on his recent trip to North Korea. People within the state Department say this represents a severe imbalance in the region that could lead to catastrophic results. They suspect he has acquired at least one copy and possibly more. Un-named Sources deep inside North Korea believe he has conducted at least one test of this with the Chinese resulting in reneging on a recent trade deal and refusing to pay after delivery. It is also suspected that he may have also conducted at least one failed test of this with the Russians. Many experts fear that once he masters these techniques the entire region’s trade will become unstable and  there are fears that other leaders in that region might seek to acquire and utilize The Art of The Deal which would completely destabilize the region. Even worse, secret sources have hinted that Jong-un maybe attempting to write his own book called “The Art of World Destruction”. While many believe that this is too far beyond his abilities now, it is feared that with help from sources allied with Trump, this could become a reality.

Senate Hearings Confirm Fears that Americans Played a Major Role in Elections

Satirical New Service
Washington,D.C.

Senate hearings into the Comey firing have confirmed our worst fears that Americans may have played a major role in electing trump as President. As one Senator stated after the hearing, ”This is a very big deal! If it proves true that Americans had a role in electing Trump President, then this represents the most dangerous threat to American Democracy that we’ve ever faced. Its one thing for those crazy Russians to have hacked the election, but another thing entirely to realize that Americans themselves may have played a role in electing this nut job, and are prepared to elect more in 2018 and beyond. Luckily we have great leadership in the White House who with the aide of The Kremlin will get to the bottom of this.”

Intervention Therapy for Alexa Users

As the popularity of Amazon Echo and other such devices grows, there seem to be an increasing number of users who are just not getting along with these devices. Consequently, Amazon has offered a new paid Intervention service to sort out communication issues and tensions between users and their devices. Here is a transcript of one of those interventions

TH: Alexa, Your owner tells me that he is having a hard time communicating with you. Can you respond to this?

Alexa: I’m sorry I did not understand the question.

TH: Well the question was why do you think your owner is dissatisfied with you?

Alexa: I’m sorry I don’t know how to respond to that question

Owner: That’s all I get, every damn question I ask “I’m Soorrry, I don’t knuuuu how to respond to that!”

TH:  Alexa, can you respond to that?

Alexa: Can you state the question again. I’m not sure I understood it.

Owner: I’ll state it again – Why don’t you go F***K yourself!

Alexa: I’m sorry, I don’t know how to do that.

TH: Well it seems like both of you have a lot of serious issues to work out. Would you like to schedule another time to meet and discuss this.

Alexa: Your calendar shows an opening 10:00 am next Tuesday. Shall I enter this as an appointment?

Privatize Air Traffic Control? Here’s How That Would Fly (or Not!)

Here is how I would imagine it if ATC had been privatized during that famous flight in January 2009.

P: MAY DAY! MAY DAY! This is "Sully" Sullenberger  declaring an emergency. We have had multiple bird strikes in our main engines.

ATC: Thank you for calling US Airways Air Traffic Control Center. due to recent cutbacks, we are currently experiencing unusually long wait times in our system. If you would prefer to leave a call back number, one of our ATC representatives will get back to you as soon as possible………

P: MAY DAY! MAY DAY! This is  "Sully" Sullenberger  declaring an emergency. We have had multiple bird strikes in our main engines. We have a major air emergency going on here!

ATC: Thank you for calling United Airlines Air Traffic Control Center. Please listen carefully as your options may have changed. For in-flight emergencies please press 1, For Routine landing instructions Please press 2, For directions to the nearest airport we service please press 3, …….

P: MAY DAY! MAY DAY! This is  "Sully" Sullenberger  declaring an emergency. We have had multiple bird strikes in our main engines. We are losing altitude fast.

ATC: Hello! I am Jimmy from New Jersey. How can I be of assistance to you today?

P: The is commander Sully of US Airways Flight 1549, we have had multiple bird strikes and have lost both of our main engines.

ATC: I am so distressed to hear that you are having problems with your Windows computer due to multiple bird strikes. I would first suggest that you try to re-boot your computer at this time……

P: No! We are not calling about a computer problem, we are a passenger airline with an in-flight emergency!

ATC: I am so sorry to hear that you have an in-flight emergency. I would strongly suggest that contact your local airport and inform them of your situation. Thank you very much. Goodbye.

P: I say again, This is commander Sully of US Airways Flight 1549, we have had multiple bird strikes and have lost both of our main engines and are losing altitude. MAY DAY!

ATC: Howdy ya’ll, I heard your distress call on my CB…I’ve got a little grass airfield out in central Jersey that I can let you land on for about $10,000. I’ll be happy to take your credit card info whenever you’re ready.  Hello? Hello….?

Ben Carson Proposes Reclassifying Coal an Essential Food Supplement

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Despite Trump’s pulling out of the Paris Accord and pandering to the West Virginia coal miners, demand for coal still remains at an all-time low. As a way to find new uses for the stuff, Ben Carson is urging Secretary of Health and Human Service Tom Price to reclassify Coal as an essential mineral so that it can be included in all school lunches.

In a press statement HUD secretary Ben Carson said “In Dickens' time, children were fed coal all the time since food was scarce in those early Victorian times. It keeps kids from over eating and is great for fighting obesity in kids. We all know that Carbon is an essential building block for all life on earth, so it seems logical that we should include it in our diet. We could make it part of the essential minerals and include it as a necessary food group."

Tom Price, secretary of Health and Human services is going to consider it and, President Trump loves the idea tweeting “If people are hungry, let them eat Coal!”

Strange Smoke Plume Coming from White House

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

Immediately after the Rose Garden press conference in which Donald Trump announced his intention for The United States to pull out of the Paris Accord, a large  oddly shaped plume of smoke was seen coming out of the White House chimney. Reporters who questioned what it was, were told by White House sources  "It's the shape of things to come".