Privatize Air Traffic Control? Here’s How That Would Fly (or Not!)

Here is how I would imagine it if ATC had been privatized during that famous flight in January 2009.

P: MAY DAY! MAY DAY! This is "Sully" Sullenberger  declaring an emergency. We have had multiple bird strikes in our main engines.

ATC: Thank you for calling US Airways Air Traffic Control Center. due to recent cutbacks, we are currently experiencing unusually long wait times in our system. If you would prefer to leave a call back number, one of our ATC representatives will get back to you as soon as possible………

P: MAY DAY! MAY DAY! This is  "Sully" Sullenberger  declaring an emergency. We have had multiple bird strikes in our main engines. We have a major air emergency going on here!

ATC: Thank you for calling United Airlines Air Traffic Control Center. Please listen carefully as your options may have changed. For in-flight emergencies please press 1, For Routine landing instructions Please press 2, For directions to the nearest airport we service please press 3, …….

P: MAY DAY! MAY DAY! This is  "Sully" Sullenberger  declaring an emergency. We have had multiple bird strikes in our main engines. We are losing altitude fast.

ATC: Hello! I am Jimmy from New Jersey. How can I be of assistance to you today?

P: The is commander Sully of US Airways Flight 1549, we have had multiple bird strikes and have lost both of our main engines.

ATC: I am so distressed to hear that you are having problems with your Windows computer due to multiple bird strikes. I would first suggest that you try to re-boot your computer at this time……

P: No! We are not calling about a computer problem, we are a passenger airline with an in-flight emergency!

ATC: I am so sorry to hear that you have an in-flight emergency. I would strongly suggest that contact your local airport and inform them of your situation. Thank you very much. Goodbye.

P: I say again, This is commander Sully of US Airways Flight 1549, we have had multiple bird strikes and have lost both of our main engines and are losing altitude. MAY DAY!

ATC: Howdy ya’ll, I heard your distress call on my CB…I’ve got a little grass airfield out in central Jersey that I can let you land on for about $10,000. I’ll be happy to take your credit card info whenever you’re ready.  Hello? Hello….?