How Brett Kavanaugh might behave as a Supreme Court Justice (satire)

If Brett Kavanaugh’s behavior at the  Senate Judiciary Committee hearings is anything like how he will be as a Supreme Court Justice, here is how I imagine the re-hearing of the Roe v Wade case go……

CJ: We will now begin to hear from the lawyer in defense of Roe v Wade

K: Chief Justice, before we begin these arguments I’d like to make a statement…

CJ: Go ahead, but make it brief

K: We need to take a vote on this now. These arguments have all been heard before. If there was anything new, why didn’t they come up before? Also, who is this Roe person? She admittedly did not recall how she got pregnant so what gives her the right to terminate it? Women who get pregnant have plenty of time to decide if they want a baby or not – then they wait until after they are pregnant and sometimes far along in it to decide that they don’t want to bear the child? This is just a case of those anti-Christian, #MeToo movement people filling their young heads with ideas about being “career women” instead of stay-at-home-moms, and the liberal Dems pushing forward their misguided agenda. Our founding fathers gave us the Freedom of Religion, and my Religion says abortion is wrong, so I am exercising my Freedom! The founding fathers said nothing about the right to an abortion, so obviously they were against it. If they had objections, why didn’t they come forward when the Bill of Rights was written instead of waiting some 200 years before raising this issue when the Democrats were in power and could sway the court their way. I think the American people have waited long enough for us to decide this issue and now that we (conservatives) are in the majority, I see no reason to further delay this miscarriage of justice by my Liberal predecessors. We’ve already had more than 40 years of arguments, hearing more is just the Liberal Dems tactic to delay, delay, delay. I’m in favor of dismissing any further talk on this and let’s take a vote today on this.

Evangelical and Anti-Abortion Groups Demand Dr. Ford be Questioned by an Exorcist

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Evangelical groups and anti-abortion groups who are now terrified of losing their best prospect for a Supreme Court majority, have demanded that the Judiciary Committee subject Ford to questions by a Professional Exorcist.

“It is quite clear to us that she has been possessed by the devil. That is how she is able to pass these polygraph tests, and sound so convincing – 'The Devil may assume a pleasing shape and lie'.  We need to have a professional exorcist question her to get her to renounce the devil and confess. They know methods that will get to the truth and force the devil to relinquish control of her."

Trump prepares new short list of SCOTUS candidates- Grant Robicheaux and Cecil Riley

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 As pressure mounts to withdraw  Brett Kavanaugh from consideration for Justice to the Supreme Court over allegations of sexual impropriety some 30 years ago, Trump is preparing a new short list just in case. At the top of the list are Grant Robicheau and Cecil Riley who according to Trump "...represent the highest moral character standards that exist in this country”. Although both of these people are currently under indictment for drugging and sexually assaulting their women victims over nearly a decade or more, Trump tweeted. “Don’t think that’ll be a problem. Besides at least we don’t have to go back 30 years for these allegations.”

Bombshell Op-Ed exposes Trump's Erratic Behavior on Golf Course and Those who Are Trying to Control It

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

PUTTS Magazine this week published a bombshell Op-Ed piece from anonymous sources who have caddied for Trump and are now speaking out about his erratic behavior on the golf course and how they are keeping him under control by whatever subversive measures they need to.

“I am the resistance – well I suppose me and the other guys too, who I also can’t mention by name. We caddie for President Trump when he plays at Mar a Lago and his other courses. Everyone knows he can be pretty explosive when angry – and right now he’s angry alot! But when he has a bad golf day, things can really get explosive – like WWIII explosive! So we make sure that doesn’t happen. He’s a totally lame golfer who just flails away, but we make sure that every shot ends up in the perfect place. When he shoots one in the drink – which is most of the time - we tell him it landed on the green. When he hits someone else’s ball, we tell him it was his. He rarely listens to us when we tell him what club to use, so we just hand him the right one regardless of which one he thinks he should hit with. No matter what we make sure he always scores par or below. I figure we’re doing this country a big service by keeping him under control like this– otherwise who knows what he’d do.”

Signed

The Resistance

Trump Convinced by His Staffers That Hillary Clinton is the Source Op-Ed Piece

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 In another late night Tweet by Donald Trump, he tweeted “I have been convinced by all my members of my wonderful and loyal staff that it was Hilary Clinton who wrote that malicious and totally false op-ed piece in the New York Times. Her fingerprints are all over it! I am ordering Jeff Sessions to investigate this, and THIS time LOCK HER UP!"

Other sources have suggested it might have been Sasha Cohen.

Trump Tweet’s MANDATORY Cool Aid Party for All White House Staff

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 After two days of bombshell revelations about Trump’s Presidency coming from anonymous sources within the White House, a Livid Donald Trump today tweeted he was calling a “MANDATORY Cool Aid Party” for all staff to attend and “DRINK IT!”. While it is uncertain exactly what he means by this, sources close to him he may be planning a repeat of Jim Jones’ lethal Cool Aid party in which he laced it with Cyanide and ordered everyone to drink it.