CNN Releases Exclusive Pictures Of The Suspect Caught On Surveillance Video

Satirical News Service
Boston, MA

CNN today released what it claims is exclusive video footage of the prime suspect in the Boston Marathon Bombing.  Stills from the video clearly show what looks like a dark skinned male at the scene of the crime acting suspiciously. CNN is asking anyone with any knowledge of who this individual might be to contact them immediately so that they can claim the exclusive coverage of it. According to CNN news executives “We are quite certain of the exclusivity of this picture. Although authorities have yet to make an arrest, we are quite certain it will follow, and we’ll be there to report on its exclusivity regardless of whether it actually happens or not”.

Republicans Unanimously Come Out In Favor Of Tighter Controls On Pressure Cookers

Figure 1:Proposed ban on High capacity pressure cookers like the one shown here would save many lives

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In response to the horrific bombings in Boston this week the Republican Party united around legislation to tightly restrict the sale and ownership of pressure cookers. Senate leader Mitch McConnell stated, “These things have only one purpose – to kill people!” Since we cannot always ensure that they might not end up in the hands of mad men, we must take every possible measure to protect the public from these weapons of mass destruction. We propose background checks on all individuals purchasing pressure cookers, as well as a 30 day waiting period. We also propose on banning large capacity pressure cookers since they’re only purpose is to cause massive carnage.”

In other news, a measure to ban large capacity ammunition clips and background checks, was defeated mostly along party lines.  

NRA C.E.O. Wayne LaPierre, in a press statement after the bombing, stated,  “It’s just like I said with guns, The only way to stop a bad guy with a bomb is to have a good guy with a bomb nearby to stop him!”. The NRA is proposing extending Second Amendment rights to include private ownership of unmanned missile armed drones.

Aerospace Defense Lobbying Firm HireS Kim Jong Un

Satricial News Service
Washington DC

Today an the leading Aerospace Defense Lobbying firm, who asked that their name be withheld, has agreed to hire North Korea's enigmatic leader Kim Jong Un to their lobbying firm. According to their spokesperson, "Mr. Un has done more to promote increased aerospace defense spending and prevent cuts than anyone else we can think of. As long as he threatens, Congress won't our cut funds."

In other news The NRA has come out strongly in support of North Korea's right to bear Nuclear arms.

Crazy People Up In Arms About Limitation On Ability To Purchase Arms

Satirical News Service

Washington DC

With many state legislatures and Congress moving to limit access of guns to mentally disturbed people, a large contingent of them are literally up in arms over what they feel is their Second Amendment Right to bear arms. According to one of their spokespersons, “Just because we are psychotic and have paranoid fantasies of people trying to kill us, and fantasize about going into schools and movie theaters and shooting a lot of people doesn't mean that deep down inside we aren't warm loving people. We should have every right to stockpile arms and massive quantities of ammunition -  In fact because we have paranoid fantasies about people coming to get us, we have all the more need for guns – especially ones that will let us mow down a whole lot of people real real fast without having to stop and reload. “

Kim Jong Un Apologizes for Bullying Behavior

Satirical News Service
Pyongyang, North Korea

Today North Korea’s Leader Kim Jong Un apologized after being caught on video tape with what ESPN called “Bullying Behavior” toward his neighbors and the Western Powers.

In a Press conference shown on North Korean state television,  a very contrite Jong Un  tearfully told ESPN and the world,  "I've let so many people down: my players, my administration, ,my fans, my family, Dennis Rodman. There's no explanation for what's on that film. There's no excuse for it. I was wrong. And I want to tell everybody who's believed in me that I'm deeply sorry for the pain and hardship that I've caused."

Some of the bullying behaviors that were caught on tape showed Kim threatening nuclear annihilation on the US, raining terror upon Western Powers, and verbally abusing leaders of South Korea.

It is uncertain if authorities will now remove Kim because of this incident, but it appears highly unlikely.

Carnival Cruise Line To Start Offering Dry Dock Cruises

Satirical News Service
Mobile AL

After suffering months of disastrous publicity and losses from failed cruises due to fires, mechanical damages, and sickness aboard ship, the Carnival Cruise Line announced that they will offer dry dock cruises. 

According to their spokesperson “These will be aboard our Luxury Cruise Liners, but will never leave their mooring dock. That way if a fire or other disaster strikes, the passengers can simply get off the ship right where they embarked. While we realize that some passengers might miss the ambiance of exotic ports of call, but it’s a heck of a lot better than  having to endure days of drifting nowhere in a smelly ship with spoiled food, clogged toilets and no AC.”