Ben Carson Visits Syria, Virginia

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

Presidential hopeful Ben Carson surprised the small town of Syria, Virginia last week by showing up there and wanting to see their refugee camps. He stated that he was quite surprised to see how well off they were doing, having heard what he said were "exaggerated media reports of their plight". He also praised them for learning to speak English. Even after it was pointed out to him that his aides had mistakenly sent him to Syria, Virginia and not the country of Syria, he appeared undeterred. He said "America, acting along with other countries, will make every effort to help you resettle in Jordan."

US CITIZENS STAGE RALLY URGING GREAT BRITAIN TO “TAKE US BACK”

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

With Trump and Carson leading in the GOP polls, and Republicans again threatening to shut down the government over anything Obama proposes, Many Americans have simply had enough of US government. Today they have staged a rally urging Great Britain to “Take Us Back”.

“Look, we’re really sorry about that Revolution thing back in 1776, but given the choice between the madness of King George and the madness of Donald Trump, we’d pick George any day.  We tried Democracy and it worked for a while, but now look at what we’ve got;  a Congress that seems intent on shutting down the government over fictitious 'baby body parts', and a slate of Presidential Candidates that are complete morons. It’d be so much better to be your colony again. We’d have a National Health Service, and cops without guns. ..OK – so we’d have to pay a little more taxes on tea, but who drinks that s##t anyway? I’ll be happy to sing “God Save the Queen” at baseball and football games if it would stop the endless stream of idiotic robocalls we get now. Please, just Take Us Back! "

Governors Move Quickly To Ban Immigration Of North Carolinians

Satirical News Service
Washington D.C.

Immediately after the announcement that the gunman connected to the recent Planned Parenthood shooting in Colorado had recently immigrated from North Carolina, Several governors responded by stating they would take measures block any attempts by individuals from North Carolina immigrating into their states.” It’s quite clear that North Carolina is just a breeding ground for Fundamentalist Christian Jihadists intent on committing act of terrorism. Since we cannot always know who is a terrorist, we feel it is far safer just to ban all individuals from that state from crossing into our borders.”

Republican front runner Ben Carson recommended a thorough vetting program for North Carolinians stating “It would be foolish to welcome North Carolina immigrants into our other states without systems in place to thoroughly vet them".

Another Governor made clear that we must ensure robust refugee screening to protect American citizens, and the Governor believes that the federal government should halt acceptance of people from emigrating from North Carolina until intelligence and defense officials can assure that the process for vetting all is as strong as possible to ensure the safety of the American people.

PETA demands GOP Stop Torturing Elephants

Satirical News Service
Washington,DC

GOP chairman Reince Priebus stated “We are responding to repeated pleas from PETA and other human rights groups to stop making the elephant the symbol of this party. We acknowledge that elephants are smart, caring loving creatures that care for one another, respect their environment and have long memories. It is therefore fitting that we no longer use them to symbolize a party that has none of these attributes. It is therefore our decision to drop this symbol and replace it with one that is more in keeping with our party’s image.”

Oregon and California Consider Legalization of Gluten for Recreational Consumption

Legalized "Bake Shops" such as this one would only be allowed in specialized zones away from schools, spas and health clubs.

Satirical News Service
Sacramento, CA

 Legislatures in Oregon and California have both put forward measures that will allow people to consume products containing Gluten legally. Although controversial, many legislators feel that it is high time to permit people the freedom to decide the risks for themselves. According to one advocate, “We see nothing wrong with the occasional pizza or baguette as long as it can be eaten responsibly. Legalizing gluten, would remove the danger and stigma of having to order a Pepperoni pizza through the underground black market, or risk getting arrested for just eating a subway sandwich in public.”

Part of the provisions of the legislation would set up specially zoned  areas away from schools, spas or health clubs where restaurants can legally serve gluten products. Right now people now can obtain special permits that allow them to order pizza delivery to their home as long as they produce a doctor certified card stating that they do not have Coeliac’s disease and have been informed of the risks of consuming gluten laden products. It is still unknown how they will classify gluten products, and whether or not to allow people to grow their own wheat for their own consumption.

Some legislators are up in arms saying this will only lead to consumption of more dangerous unhealthy foods such as bacon, soda pop, and Hostess Twinkies.

Starbucks Releases Revised Special Edition Holiday Cup

Satirical News Service
Redmond, WA

In an effort of appease Christian Activists who feel the traditional Red Holiday cup was anti-Christian, Starbucks today released a new Special Edition Holiday Cup to appeal to the Christian Right.

Ben Carson Comes Clean – Admits He’s Not Really Black

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Following recent revelations about Ben Carson’s alleged stabbing being fabricated, and now his stated acceptance to West Point also untrue, Ben Carson finally came clean about one other thing. “I’m not really Black”, he announced today. “Frankly”, he went on “I’m amazed no one caught on to this before. I mean what Black man talks like this, and holds such insane views as I do?  I figured – surely they’d see right through this disguise- but I kept rising in the polls. So I kept it up. I hate Soul food! – that should have clued people, but here I am, Black like me, but not really.”

RNC adopts New Debate Format – They will only Debate Themselves

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

After the series of humiliating debacles with the Republican debates now focusing on the media rather than issues, the RNC has decided to put a stop to it. From now on, Candidates will only debate themselves.

According to Reince Priebus, the RNC committee chairman, “We will no longer have moderators pose questions. Instead, the candidates themselves will pose questions they want to answer, and then answer those questions. Other candidates will not be allowed to respond to anyone else’s questions, but must stick only to the questions they ask themselves. That way we can have a fair and informed debate without a lot of arguing.  Each candidate will be allowed to debate him/herself for 15 minutes. That seems to be the maximum attention span of voters today. They then have a 5 minute closing statement. The debates will also no longer be hosted by Networks, but will go to a pay-per-view format much like prize fights on HBO. We feel this is the best way to attract the kind of voters we want to reach”