CDC Confirms Second Case of Affluenza

Satirical News Service
Atlanta, GA

The CDC today confirmed that they now have identified a second case of Affluenza. Affluenza first appeared in teenage boy who killed 4 people after driving his car drunk. Affluenza is caused by an excessively affluent upbringing which affects the victim’s ability to determine right from wrong, display any responsibility, empathy or compassion for others, and can cause frequent outbursts of bizarre and inappropriate behavior and language. The second individual identified only as Mr. T clearly appears to have had this disease for quite some time, It is feared the Mr. T may also have come in contact with thousands of people. 

While males with affluent upbringing and lifestyles are most susceptible, it is uncertain how it affects other individuals who are not affluent. A CDC official stated that in non-affluent individuals symptoms appear early on to cause a loss of rational judgement, paranoia, and aggressiveness. The CDC currently offers no treatment or cure for this disease and they fear that even casual contact with individuals who have it with it might transmit the disease.

Republican Candidates Come Down Strong on Ways to Defeat El Niño

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

After strong storms, flooding, and record number of tornadoes caused by El Niño battered the Northwest and South and Midwest, several leading Republicans have come out strong on how to deal with El Niño .

Donald Trump – It’s perfectly obvious that El Niño is a terrorist organization coming from Mexico. The best way to stop El Niño is to build a wall between Mexico and the US and make the Mexicans pay for it.

Ben Carson – Since we really don’t know which Mexicans or Syrians might be members of El Niño or Al Nuño , we need to stop further immigration from Mexico and Syria until we can properly vet these individuals from entering our country.

Ted Cruz – We need to immediately launch airstrikes against El Niño until the Pacific Ocean beach sands glow. I feel that to defeat El Niño, we need more Guns and God in our country. I’ve always said that the only way to defeat a tornado bearing down on your house is with prayer and a loaded glock!

Chris Christie – Obama caused El Niño attacks on the US this Winter by going to Paris and trying to appease  them in a Climate Change Treaty. It’s clear that El Niño only responds to force. I agree we need to immediately launch airstrikes against them and step up surveillance efforts to prevent people from becoming emboldened by El Niño  after watching posted videos of floods and tornadoes on the internet.

Carly Forina – Have you seen the video footage of Tornadoes dismembering houses and then selling the parts left of them for scrap! Hillary Clinton wants to simply let foreigners tell us how to run our weather. I would immediately defund any organizations involved with Preventing Climate Change.

Jeb Bush – Hey Shit Happens! 

I Won't Eat This! I Won't Eat That!

This is for all of you who are planning Holiday Meals with friends and family....

I won’t eat this, I won’t eat that

I won’t eat meat, I won’t eat fat

I won’t eat gluten or any bread

It’s just a quick way to make you dead

Rice and Pasta

Potatoes and corn

They all will kill you the doctors warn.

Mercury is present in all types of fish

You’ll die for sure from eating this dish

Chicken and Turkey have Salmonella

Just another way to kill a fella

Hot dogs and Hamburgers aren’t the answer

Just one quick way to die of cancer

Don’t eat bacon or stuff on the grill

Those Nitrosomines they say will kill

Fruits and Veggies they say are much wiser

But not with what’s in the fertilizer.

Spinach they say has E.coli

Just one more way for you to die

GMO! It can’t get worse....

Just give me one bite, then call for a hearse.

The only way you won’t get ill

Is to cease all food and just take a pill. 

Ted Cruz to Replace Food Stamp Program with Gun Stamp Program

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

The Cruz campaign went into high gear today just on the eve of the first anniversary of the Sandy Hook school shooting with the announcement that Ted Cruz would eliminate the Food Stamp program and replace it with a Gun Stamp program.

In a statement released today from the Cruz campaign headquarters; “We feel there is no greater need in this country now than our ability to protect our kids and loved ones in a world filled with deranged Muslim Terrorists. I am therefore proposing a Gun Stamp program that would enable people on low incomes, who ordinarily would not be able to afford the price of a gun or the ammunition, a subsidy to do this with government help. I will not raise taxes to do this, but instead will take the savings from the food stamp program that now permits deadbeats to buy lobster and caviar with your tax dollars. “

Trump Wants To Build Wall Around America And Make ISIS Pay For It

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Following up on his radical comments to the media that he proposes to ban all Muslims from entering the country, Donald Trump now proposed that he “Will build a wall around America to keep out Muslims, and I am going to make ISIS pay for it.”

Asked how he was possibly going to accomplish this he stated “Look – I make hundreds of deals every day. I get people to basically do what I want them to .ISIS or whatever they are called are no different. We’ll just hold their heads under water until they cough up the dough”

Senator Ted Cruz's Response to Obama's Speech

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Good Evening

I would like tonight to propose my own solution to stopping the terrorist threat to the United States, and suggest measures that will make America much safer than the feeble measures that President Obama proposed last night.

I propose an immediate passage of a law similar to Florida’s “Stand Your Ground Law”. I refer to it as the “Shoot First, Ask Later” Law.

This Law would permit any American to shoot someone they suspect might be a terrorist and feel threatened by them.  This would include anyone wearing a hajab, head scarf, burka,white skull cap, or other Muslim terrorist paraphernalia; anyone shouting Allahu Akbar in a public place, or speaking threatening language in Arabic. We simply can’t wait until they start shooting to stop these terrorists in their tracks.

While this may seem at first to stretch some people’s Constitutional Rights a little bit, I feel these are drastic times and drastic measures need to be taken.

I will not however, in any way-shape-or-form, do anything from preventing anyone, terrorist or not, from their Second Amendment Constitutional Right to bear arms. America has always believed in fairness above all, and I hold to this! We need to make this a fair fight – man-to-man, and gun-to-gun. That’s the way we did it in the “Old West”, and I believe it will work today.

Thank you and God Bless America.

How do you Comfort Children's Fear This Xmas

To the Children of the World:

Dear Boys and Girls,

     As I sit here in my workshop preparing for another day of delivering toys and gifts around the world, I am deeply saddened by the senseless violence that has   I have seen taken place around the world.  I can no longer sit passively on the sidelines and not try to do something to prevent this.

As you know, my elves and myself see everything you do, and we know when you’ve been naughty and know when you’ve been nice. Even if you don’t believe in Xmas, we still maintain this ongoing surveillance.  In the interest of International Security, I have entered into an agreement to release my list of “Bad Boys and Girls” to the proper authorities.

I will also provide them with a list of all people who have asked for guns this Xmas, and from this day forward will no longer honor requests for guns or related paraphernalia for Xmas. I just know you will end up poking your eye out or someone else’s !

I am hoping that with this bold step I can deliver to you the only Xmas present that really matters; the safety of you and your loved ones.

Merry Xmas and Peace on Earth

Santa Claus

Apple Rumored to Drop Traditional Telephone Calls in new iPhone 7s

Satirical News Service
Cupertino, CA

After rumors surfaced that Apple was dropping the standard earphone jack and now the “home key”, new reports suggest that the new iPhone 7s will also drop the ability to make traditional phone calls.

According to anonymous sources within the Apple Community, 

“Simply talking on the phone is just not cool anymore. Anyone can do that on any cell phone. We want Apple iPhones to do only really cool things. That way we can push people to upgrade their iPhones every year. It’s not enough for the phones just to be a device to send mail, take pictures and movies, and monitor all of your bodily functions. The new iPhone has to find newer cooler ways to do traditional things - like calling people and talking on the phone."

 Rumors are that the new iPhone will not longer be able to connect to any of the currently available networks. Instead users will have to sign up for a new special iPhone network. This will allow users to place telephone calls only to other really cool people who are on that network – sort of like an exclusive night club. The new iPhone will also feature a brand new AI feature called ibCool, which will filter everything the person says and refine it so that it sounds better by changing the tenor and pitch of the users’ speech pattern and even word choices to something more sexy or cool.