Republican Candidates Come Down Strong on Ways to Defeat El Niño

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

After strong storms, flooding, and record number of tornadoes caused by El Niño battered the Northwest and South and Midwest, several leading Republicans have come out strong on how to deal with El Niño .

Donald Trump – It’s perfectly obvious that El Niño is a terrorist organization coming from Mexico. The best way to stop El Niño is to build a wall between Mexico and the US and make the Mexicans pay for it.

Ben Carson – Since we really don’t know which Mexicans or Syrians might be members of El Niño or Al Nuño , we need to stop further immigration from Mexico and Syria until we can properly vet these individuals from entering our country.

Ted Cruz – We need to immediately launch airstrikes against El Niño until the Pacific Ocean beach sands glow. I feel that to defeat El Niño, we need more Guns and God in our country. I’ve always said that the only way to defeat a tornado bearing down on your house is with prayer and a loaded glock!

Chris Christie – Obama caused El Niño attacks on the US this Winter by going to Paris and trying to appease  them in a Climate Change Treaty. It’s clear that El Niño only responds to force. I agree we need to immediately launch airstrikes against them and step up surveillance efforts to prevent people from becoming emboldened by El Niño  after watching posted videos of floods and tornadoes on the internet.

Carly Forina – Have you seen the video footage of Tornadoes dismembering houses and then selling the parts left of them for scrap! Hillary Clinton wants to simply let foreigners tell us how to run our weather. I would immediately defund any organizations involved with Preventing Climate Change.

Jeb Bush – Hey Shit Happens!