Apple Rumored to Drop Traditional Telephone Calls in new iPhone 7s

Satirical News Service
Cupertino, CA

After rumors surfaced that Apple was dropping the standard earphone jack and now the “home key”, new reports suggest that the new iPhone 7s will also drop the ability to make traditional phone calls.

According to anonymous sources within the Apple Community, 

“Simply talking on the phone is just not cool anymore. Anyone can do that on any cell phone. We want Apple iPhones to do only really cool things. That way we can push people to upgrade their iPhones every year. It’s not enough for the phones just to be a device to send mail, take pictures and movies, and monitor all of your bodily functions. The new iPhone has to find newer cooler ways to do traditional things - like calling people and talking on the phone."

 Rumors are that the new iPhone will not longer be able to connect to any of the currently available networks. Instead users will have to sign up for a new special iPhone network. This will allow users to place telephone calls only to other really cool people who are on that network – sort of like an exclusive night club. The new iPhone will also feature a brand new AI feature called ibCool, which will filter everything the person says and refine it so that it sounds better by changing the tenor and pitch of the users’ speech pattern and even word choices to something more sexy or cool.