Trump says he'll send billions of playdough to Earthquake ravaged Italy

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

Perhaps in an effort to try to shore up his sagging support among Italian-American voters, Donald Trump announced to today that he would immediately send send "billions of his own dough" to the earthquake ravaged regions in Italy.

My Election Prediction

Satirical News Service Washington, DC 

Two days after losing the Presidential Election to Hillary Clinton by one of the greatest margins since Wendell Willike, and then mysteriously demanding a recount in every state, Donald Trump and his entire family disappeared. No one of his staff had any idea where he went or why. Three days later it appeared that all of his cash and other holding had been withdrawn, some of which was converted into gold bars. Cargo handlers at Teterboro airport in New Jersey reported seeing private security men loading palettes of gold and cash aboard Trump's private jet. 

While election officials pondered how to do such a large recount and why, since it was completely obvious that Trump had lost by such margins that a recount would be worthless, he suddenly appeared five days later in Moscow having drinks with Vladimir Putin. 

Investigators immediately began looking into the disappearance of his funds and assets. It now appears that he had used the election primarily as a way to get millions in donations, which he kept in his private fund. Creditors report that he owes them millions in advertising fees, and wages for campaign workers. It appears that he was deeply in debt before his election bid, and used the election as a way to embezzle money from donors and the RNC and spirit it out of the country. 

In a statement he released from Moscow, he appeared smiling on camera saying "I told the press, they just can't figure me out, they should have listened better – as for the American People – YOUR FIRED!"

Michael Phelps Announces He Will Compete in 2020 Olympics – As a Woman!

Satirical News Service
Rio de Janerio

After losing the Gold Medal in the Butterfly race,  Michael Phelps announced In a press conference today what was long expected, that this would be his last Olympics – as a man. He said instead he plans to go the “Bruce/Kaitlin Jenner” route and undergo transgender surgery and compete in the 2020 Olympics as Michelle Phelps.  In the press conference he stated “I’ve got to face it, this man’s body just can’t do the feats it used to anymore. But I’m not giving in, instead I’m reinventing myself. As a woman I have a much better shot at competing and lets face it, Trans today is the new Gay. Soon everyone will be doing it.”

Following the Olympics in Rio, Phelps plans undergo transgender surgery at the clinic in Sweden that specializes in Transgender surgery. He expects to be in training as a woman in time for the 2020 Olympics. 

North Carolina’s governor has already stated that “There is no way Phelps is going to use any woman’s bathroom in this state.”

Charles Manson Said He Was Only Being Sarcastic When He killed all those People

Satirical News Service
Sacramento, CA

Charles Manson appeared before a California parole board today, and  claimed that he was "only being sarcastic" when he killed Sharon Tate and the other people in 1969. Likewise when he wrote on the walls in blood "Helter Skelter". Said Manson during the hearing "I thought it was completely obvious that I was not being serious; that the killings and scary slogans were only meant as sarcasm. What? They can't take a little sarcasm? What's the matter with you people?"

The California Parole Board was not impressed and denied Manson Parole.

Clintons Secret emails reveal How Clinton and Obama created ISIS

Satirical News Service
Washington,D.C.

FBI released new secret emails from Hillary Clinton's server revealing how she and Obama created ISIS.

H: Hey B, things are really pretty slow here over at State, got any ideas how to shake things up a bit?

B: Hmmm…. Let me give it some thought, I’ll get back to you.

B: Had an idea; how about creating a new terrorist group? A really, really, really bad one?

H: l like it, what should we call it?

B: How about ABCESS?

H: Nah, sounds too clinical! How about ISIS?

B: I like it! Maybe they could all go around in black outfits and head scarfs and publicly behead people.

H:That ought to shake things up a bit! I’ll get State right on it By the way any updates on your secret plan to confiscate everyone’s guns?

B: Still workin on it!

Kim Jong Un's Proposal to Trump

Dear Donald,
Although we’ve never met in person I feel like we were meant  to be together. We have so many things in common, you and I. You want to build a wall between the US and Mexico and make the Mexicans pay for it; I’ve built a wall between North and South Korea and made the South Koreans pay for it. You like lots if beautiful women having sex with you; I have those same type if women having sex with me. You want to bring tough law and order to your country. I Already have tough Law and Order in my country. You want to ban Muslims from entering your country; I want to ban everyone from entering my country. You want a strong military; me too! You hate political correctness; so do I. You think protesters should be beat up and thrown in prison; I’ve already done that- to thousands! Please Donald, come join me here in North Korea. We can plot against Hillary Clinton together. Maybe we could launch a nuclear attack on her, just you and me… how about it Donny. Would you like to be my number two man?????? Please say you will.

Scientists Discover That Trump Campaign Buttons Repel Zika Mosquitos

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

Scientists at the CDC have made a break-thru in the fight against the Zika virus that is spread by Mosquitoes. According to one researcher, wearing any article of clothing or badge containing a likeness of Donald Trump, is found to be 10 times more effective at repelling mosquitoes than anything else we've found to date. It seems it not only repels mosquitoes, but most any other insects, most all small and large animals. About the only things it doesn't repel are cockroaches, rats, and of course professed supporters of the  Republican party.