Empty Chair Leads in New Polls

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 As the final week before the general election a new surprising new poll has come out suggesting that “The Empty Chair” made famous at the previous election's Republican Convention is  now preferred by 9 out of 10 voters.

Its numbers poll high in every demographic group except complete morons and alt-right conservatives for Trump. 

Those polled says the empty chair’s values are closer to their own than any of the other parties. It also scores higher in character issues.

FBI Director Re-Opens New Investigations Into Obama’s Birth Certificate And Ted Cruz’s Father’s Role In Kennedy Assassination

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Earlier FBI Director James Comey notified members of Congress that the FBI had reopened its investigation into the handling of classified information by Hillary Clinton. Today he followed up with a new letter stating that based upon new evidence found on Anthony Weiner’s computer, he is re-opening investigations into whether or not President Barack Obama’s birth certificate is a forgery, and what role Ted Cruz’s father might have played in the Asassination of President John F. Kennedy. Coming so close to this election and seeming to parrot the conspiracy theories put forward by Presidential candidate Donald Trump has raised some questions about whether these investigations might be politically motivated. The director deflected the criticism stating “I’m only doing what any FBI director would do when confronted with such overwhelming evidence of wrong-doing”.

Donald Trump Demands Investigations into Emails of Everyone Who Voted Against Him

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Amid revelations that the FBI today has opened up a new investigation into Hillary Clinton’s Emails, Donald Trump as usual tripled down and demanded that the FBI also investigate the emails of all those women who have accused him of sexual advances, as well as every American who voted against him in this election. He wants his poll watchers to get the names and email addresses of everyone who leaves the polling places so that we can start the lengthy investigations. “Who knows what we’ll uncover? This is huge! Huge! Hillary is going to have a lot of company in jail!”

How I Predict the Next Debate between Clinton and Trump Will Likely Go

Satirical News Service
Washinton, DC

Just when you thought that this election could not possibly stoop any lower, here is how I see the next debate scenario unfolding.

Moderator: Tonight we are broadcasting live in a town hall format where audience members are permitted to ask questions to both candidates. We ask that you please refrain from applauding or making profane statements or throwing up until the end of the debate.

Young girl: Do you think that someone with small genitals is qualified to become our next president

Trump: I can assure you that there is no problem with my size down there.

Hillary: He says there is no problem down there, but he won’t show it to anyone….

Trump (interrupting): I have a signed affidavit from Ivana stating that it’s all in good working order….

Hillary: In fact I have a sworn affidavit from Marla Maples saying that it’s a tiny little prick and that according to sources the New York Times has gotten hold a report that says he hasn’t gotten it up since 1995!

Trump: I’d whip it out right now if you’ll whip your top off and show me your sagging breasts

Hillary: They don’t sag

Trump: They do

Hillary: No they don’t

Trump: Then they’re fake! Just like the rest of you!

Hillary: No they are not! Why don’t you show us your junk! What are you hiding!

Trump: I would show you, but because I am going to have a prostate exam soon my doctor has told me that I should not display it until after that exam – which will show nothing because I’m the very essence of prostate health – but I will if you let me grope and fondle your breasts to see if their real or not.

Hillary: OK FINE!!!!!@!

Trump: OK FINE!!!!!!!

Bill Clinton: Hey, can I get in on this too?

Moderator: Due to the adult content that is being displayed now, we are unable to continue to broadcast the remainder of this debate or face losing our FCC license.

Donald Trump Accuses Hillary Clinton of Causing Hurricane Matthew

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

Donald Trump today doubled-down on his accusations of the things that Hillary Clinton caused including the formation of ISIS, the Great Recession, Benghazi, the Black Death.... He now accuses her of causing the Hurricane Matthew that is now smashing into the US coast line. Showing Radar images taken from space, he stated "this clearly shows an image of Hillary Clinton in the very center of the hurricane! What more proof do you need?"
The Clinton campaign declined to comment on this.

Hillary Clinton Apologies to Donald Trump for Preventing Him from Paying any Income Taxes

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

A deeply saddened and contrite Hillary Clinton today appeared before the press to deliver a personal apology to Donald Trump for preventing him from paying any income taxes for decades.

“Donald, I want to personally apologize to you for failing to recognize how deeply you wanted to pay your taxes, but because you were a “great businessman”, you simply could not. I realize now how much hurt and embarrassment you must feel as we drag this into the public light, shaming you even more after you had already lost almost a billion dollars. If only you had released these returns earlier, we could have helped you - I could have stopped doing my work for the state department, and come down to Capitol hill and lobby more forcefully to your fellow Republicans who were intransigent about initiating any type of reform. I could have done better, and take full responsibility for forcing you to take all those silly deductions that no one in their right mind should allow. But as a successful businessman, I understand all too well, you simply had no choice. So I am here today to apologize and hopefully allow you to move on and perhaps someday, actually be allowed to pay your fair share of taxes."

Financial Markets Rocked by News of Kim Kardashian West’s Robbery

Satirical News Service
Paris, France

Financial markets across the globe were sent into turmoil today over the news that Kim Kardashian West had been robbed in her Paris hotel room and more that 10 million dollars (US) in jewelry had been taken. Investors worldwide who were closely following the Kardashian’s every move were completely taken by surprise by this shocking new revelation. Stock markets across the globe reacted to this volatile news by tumbling more than 600 points before recovering about one third of the losses. It is still uncertain what Kayne West's reaction to this is going to be, so the turmoil is not yet over, as financial markets await a statement from him.