Satirical News Service
God spoke today at a rally of True Believers and stated “Far
too many of the wrong kind of people are getting into heaven these days. We’re
letting in philanderers, bigots, and tyrants from radical countries posing as
good God-fearing religious people. They’re coming here and taking away jobs and
draining our Infinite resources. From now on we’re going to have much more
scrutiny at The Pearly Gates. We’re’ going to have extreme vetting for arrivals
from certain countries and we’re going to start rounding up people who came
here illegally and deport them back to earth. Lastly, we’re going to build a
wall between Heaven and Earth, and were gonna make the people on Earth Pay for
it.”
When asked how the people of earth are going to pay for this so-called
wall, GOD stated, “I'm going to wreak havoc with their climates and weather
until they start building that wall!”
Jesus, who had always been considered a much more moderate
in the Council of Angels and had always preached for forgiveness and charity, conceded
that these measures have become necessary because many of his own followers
have turned to Radical Evangelicalism and are getting into heaven masquerading
as true Christians. Furthermore, Hell has become so overpopulated now that
they’ve stopped letting new people in, and just sending them back to earth. When
asked to elaborate about the new extreme vetting measures he refused to comment
and would not confirm if some sort of religious test might be part of this as
many of his followers have insisted upon.
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