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Tuesday, March 14, 2017

God Announced Plan For Extreme Vetting To Keep Undesirables Out Of Heaven

Satirical News Service

God spoke  today at a rally of True Believers and stated “Far too many of the wrong kind of people are getting into heaven these days. We’re letting in philanderers, bigots, and tyrants from radical countries posing as good God-fearing religious people. They’re coming here and taking away jobs and draining our Infinite resources. From now on we’re going to have much more scrutiny at The Pearly Gates. We’re’ going to have extreme vetting for arrivals from certain countries and we’re going to start rounding up people who came here illegally and deport them back to earth. Lastly, we’re going to build a wall between Heaven and Earth, and were gonna make the people on Earth Pay for it.” 
When asked how the people of earth are going to pay for this so-called wall, GOD stated, “I'm going to wreak havoc with their climates and weather until they start building that wall!”


Jesus, who had always been considered a much more moderate in the Council of Angels and had always preached for forgiveness and charity, conceded that these measures have become necessary because many of his own followers have turned to Radical Evangelicalism and are getting into heaven masquerading as true Christians. Furthermore, Hell has become so overpopulated now that they’ve stopped letting new people in, and just sending them back to earth. When asked to elaborate about the new extreme vetting measures he refused to comment and would not confirm if some sort of religious test might be part of this as many of his followers have insisted upon.

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