United’s longest-ever 18-hour flight - Survivors reported

Satirical News Service
Chicago, IL

The first passengers to make United Airlines non-stop 18 hour flight from LAX to Singapore are reported to be in fair condition after remaining cramped in coach and fed barely edible food for the full duration. Some were able to emerge from the aircraft under their own power but most had to be assisted by ground personnel.

“We are just amazed and thankful that they even survived! Frankly, I don’t think anyone should attempt this in coach – Maybe business class, but certainly not coach”, said one airline employee. As they emerged from the flight they were asked if they thought they were ready for the return trip, but all they could answer was “blah blah, blah”.

Trump Demands FBI investigate Hillary Clinton's Role in JFK Assassination

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Trump today released newly uncovered photos from the 1963 Kennedy Assassination that show conclusively that Hillary Clinton was the second gunman. In a packed auditorium of Trump supporters, Trump demanded to know why the FBI was investigating him, when they should be investigating Hillary Clinton’s role in the Kennedy Assassination. To throngs of “Lock her Up”. Trump produced this “unaltered” photo that clearly shows Hillary Clinton leveling a handgun at President Kennedy from the grassy knoll in Dallas in 1963. Asked why she looks the same in the photo when she was 16 as she does now, Trump responded “She looked old and haggard then too”. The FBI declined to comment, however FOX news ran with the story and brought forward eyewitnesses that said they clearly remember her on the grassy knoll then.

Trump Grandson Unable to Trick-or-Treat due to Bone Spurs

Trump's grandson, Spencer, shown with Halloween Costume

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Donald Trump’s grandson, Spencer (shown here in military Halloween costume) revealed today that he would be unable to participate in the annual trick-or-treat event at their school due to “chronic and persistent bone spurs” in his feet. Instead, Secret Servicemen will take all the Candy that was supposed to be collected and then donated to a local homeless shelter and give it to the younger Trump. In a, Tweet, Donald Trump tweeted “I deeply regret that my grandson will not be able to participate in the trick-or-treat event. As you all know bone spurs can be terribly debilitating and prevent even seemingly able bodied people from serving their country. My secret Service detail bravely has agreed to do this chore for him. Although this candy was supposed to go to a local homeless shelter, we feel that government handouts are just wrong for these individuals. Instead, we will be keeping all the candy and sending whatever candy is left over to these people around Easter time next year."

Trump Tweets Against People Kneeling During Mass

Doctors Mystified By Large Growth on President Trump's Nose

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Doctors at Bethesda Naval Hospital were mystified by a strange protruding growth at the end of Donald Trump’s Nose. Sources from the hospital report that the symptoms began some time ago, but now are growing at a tremendous rate; sometimes inches in a single day. No possible explanation has been given for this condition, but so far it does not seem to affect President Trump’s work.

Forest Service No Longer Will Fight Fires – Only offer Hopes and Prayers

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

Despite the fact that the fires in Northern California are only 50% contained, the USFS announced today that from now on it will no longer fight forest fires. Instead they will collectively offer their thoughts and prayers to the victims. “This is not the time to be talking about fighting raging forest fires”, stated the head of the Forest Service. "Let’s face forest fires are just a fact of life. Trying to fight them just doesn’t work. Once you put out one fire, another just plops in its place. Now is not the time to be talking about prevention either. We’ve all seen that forest fire prevention just doesn’t work. We've had stricter and stricter regulations and we still have forest fires, at the cost of good high paying lumber and forestry jobs, and housing development. It’s time for America to wake up to the fact that from time to time things are just going to burn out of control, and they just have to live with it. We will, however, offer our thoughts and prayers to all the victims”

The President of the Virgin Islands Sends Trump 10 Virgins to Thank Him

Satirical News Service
US Virgin Islands

The President of the US Virgin Islands today sent Donald Trump 10 young virgins as a thank you for his efforts in their clean up lessons. "I hope you make good use of these", the President stated in his thank you message. "Maybe Puerto Rico would do better if they sent a similar gift to you Great President", the message continued.

NRA Comes Out in Support of Limiting the Number of People a Person Can kill

Satirical News Service 

Washington DC 

In an amazing about face, Wayne LaPierre, head if the NRA said today it would be in favor of some limitation on the number of people someone can kill in a mass shooting. 

In a press statement, he stated “We feel that the recent incident in Las Vegas has shown the need for responsible legislation to control what has become an ever-escalating carnage. We therefore endorse legislation that limits the number of people a deranged gunman can kill to 50. However, this limit only applies to people actually killed and not merely maimed. Also this applies only to each single incidence, and self inflicted guns shots will not be counted in the total.” 

Republicans hailed this as a huge step forward in legislating sensible gun control without actually controlling access to guns.  Trump tweeted "This will save many lives".

Las Vegas Shooter Appear To Have Been Radicalized and Inspired to Do Massacre

Satirical New Service

Washington, DC

It now appears that the Las Vegas Shooter may have had ties to a radical group led by a mysterious man named Don Al Trumpa. In addition for calling on his entire base of followers to purchase guns, he also issued an edict that may have inspired the killer. Authorities have uncovered this in a broadcast to his followers back in 2016. In it he stated “…..I could walk out on 5^th Avenue a shoot people and my supporters would still love me!” It now appears that the gunman took these words to mean go out into a crowd of people and start shooting and in return he would receive the eternal love of the people who support Don Al Trumpa. Based on this new information it now appears quite clear that a terrorist group played a large role in this massacre.

Kim Jong Un says his "Right to bear Nuclear Weapons is guaranteed in US Constitution"

Satirical News Service
Pyongyang, PKK

Kim Jong Un came out with a statement today saying that he has every right to bear and test nuclear missiles as guaranteed under the Second Amendment of the US Constitution. He also stated he liked it so much he added to their own constitution with the slight addition that only he had that right.

Trump Close to Completing His Goal of Alienating Everyone on the Planet

Satirical News Service

Washington, DC

Donald Trump today completed a new milestone toward his goal to piss-off the entire population of  the planet. In a new tweet, he attacked pet owners calling them losers and parasites. In doing so he alienated one of the largest groups of people in America, who now join athletes, anyone in the arts, environmentalists, Hispanics, Muslims, and a whole host of others. About the only people left who he still counts as his supporters are coal miners and NASCAR enthusiasts. He hopes to piss-off them as well early in 2018 to complete his goal of alienating the world against him.