Time Square Ball to be “Thrown Over the Cliff” on New Years

Satirical News Service
New York, NY

Preparations are now under way in Times Square to make the worldly famous “Lighted Ball” not just slide down a pole, but to be thrown off the building in a symbolic reminder that as of that moment we will all be going over the fiscal cliff. “We feel it is the best way to bring in the New Year for this country who will now be facing a whole raft of fiscal disasters. Unfortunately we can’t throw Congressmen over with it, but we have promised them front row seats right in the path of the falling ball!”

In other news Obama had Mitt Romney over to the White House for a “Consolation Prize” lunch. After he left Michelle, Sasha, Malia, and Barack we’re rolling on the floor laughing. “I can’t believe he fell for the “Turkey” chili, and “Chicken” salad bit! – and he ate it!” They later revealed that what was really in those dishes was Crow.

Growing Number of US Citizens Sign Petition To Secede From Reality

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

With the 2012 election behind us, more than 700,000 citizens, most of them from the state of Texas, have signed a petition to secede from reality. Led by Governor and former presidential hopeful Rick Perry, the new secessionists want to live in a reality free state where everything FOX news and Rush Limbaugh says is the gospel truth.

                “We want to live in a state where we can roll back job killing liberal legislation like the 13^th and 20^th amendments, and revert to a place where men and women know their place and legitimate rape is naturally shut down by GOD. We want a state where jobs can be created without the harassment of taxes, minimum wages, health care, OSHA, the FDA, or unions. We want a state where religion can be freely taught in public schools, as long as it is a religion we approve of.  We want a state where anyone of foreign nationality or even looks that way is considered illegal or a terrorist until proven differently. To do this, now that Obama has been re-elected, our only course of action is to secede from reality.”

SUPREME COURT TO HEAR CASE ON WHETHER OBAMA REALLY WON HIS RE- ELECTION AND WHETHER HIS BIRTH CERTIFICATE IS GENUINE

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Immediately following the announcement that the US Supreme Court would hear yet another challenge to Obamacare, Justice Scalia also announced that it would also hear arguments challenging Obama’s recent re-election on the grounds that Mitt Romney and his Super PACS spent more money on it, and therefore should have won. They will also accept a suit from Donald Trump arguing that Obama’s birth certificate is fake because many people believe it so.

Both Congress and the President Vow to Act Quickly to Pass Bill Vital to Preserving American Society

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

With the 2012 election a scant two weeks behind us, President Obama and Congressional leaders immediately set out to address the most important piece of legislation to avert a dire crisis to all Americans. In a speech yesterday, House Speaker John Boehner reiterated that Congress needs to put aside all frivolous matters and focus exclusively on this one bill. “If we fail to act, the consequences could be dire. It would affect millions of Americans now and for future generations.”  President Obama also went on record to state that this bill must pass before it is too late. Both House must immediately come together and put aside past partisan differences to pass this vital bill.”

                While the past 14 months have shown that Congress and President are locked in a gridlock, pundits are very hopeful that both sides can finally act decisively to and pass this bill – namely a bailout for Hostess Inc. aimed at saving the Twinkie.

Republicans Look For New “Chair” Candidates for 2016

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

After taking a shellacking  in the 2012 Presidential election, The GOP leaders are already looking for candidates for the 2016 election that would appeal to a larger demographic base. When the polls after the RNC convention showed that Clint Eastwood’s chair got more positive ratings than any of the Republican candidates, the search began for chairs that might be electable on the GOP ticket. Here are some of the results from recent polls

Electric Chair – Polled well with  the “Law and Order” Crowd also the Energy sector

Rocking Chair- Holds strong appeal to Elderly voters, also new mothers

Executive Office Chair – Polled well with traditional conservative men

Gynecological Exam Chair-Polled well with those elusive young single women voters who only want free birth control.

Beauty Shop Chair – Show strong appeal to woman voters – especially older middle aged ones

Bean Bag Chair- Shows strong tendency to be flexible on positions – gets away from the perception of being too inflexible on issues. Polled well with 18 year old's

Barber Chair – Polled well with Black and Hispanic voters

Dentist Chair –  Polled negatively with everyone.

Captain Kirks Chair – Showed great appeal to trekkies and military.

Dunce chair – Hands down Winner with the Tea Party Voters

Big Bird to Mitt Romney - "You're Fired"

Dear Mr. Romney:

As by now you know the results of the election including Florida now show that the American people have  rejected your policies and bid for presidency. It is therefore with slight regret that I have to inform you that your services to this country are no longer required. Good luck in your new career - what ever it is.

Sincerely,

Big Bird

Romney Wins Twitter Vote – FOX News Vindicated

Satirical News Service
New York, New York

In a statement today, FOX news executives stated that yesterday Mitt Romney overwhelmingly won the Twitter vote count. “We feel that this is really the only vote that matters – far more than electoral votes or even actual ballot votes – and we are vindicated by the fact we had accurately predicted that Mitt Romney would overwhelmingly win this vote. “

In other news Mitt Romney immediately announced that he would run for President in 2016 this time as a Democrat. In his statement he stated that he has always been a supporter for strong government regulations and programs, and that Obamacare was actually fashioned after his Massachusetts Health Care Plan. He feels that wealthy Americans should bear some of the burden of getting America out of dept. with higher taxes, and strongly believes in equal rights for woman and their right to choose in all health related and pregnancy matters. He supports strong gun control, and limiting all drilling on public lands to protect the environment.

The law firm that brought the Citizens United suit to the Supreme Court has issued a new challenge demanding that Hurricanes not be permitted any role in presidential elections. In the law suit they demanded that Hurricanes be prevented from utilizing their vast resources of wind, rain, and tides to potentially sway voters and limit access to polling places.

Newly re-elected President Obama has announced that he will be forgoing the usual inauguration parade and ball for a mass “kum-bi-ya” sing-along on the mall to unite both parties.  John Boehner and Mitch McConnell have both declined his offer to attend. 

Texas Simplifies Ballot Choices

Satirical News Service
Houston, TX

With Texas declared solidly in the “Red State” Column, election officials there have decided to simplify the ballot. It now consists of basically two choices for the voter that encompasses all candidate choices.

                                  Republican

                 Not Republican

As one official stated "We feel this eliminates a lot of time and confusion, and since we’re already declared a Red State, what difference does it make what you’re other choices are."

Re-live those Great Presidential Campaign attacks of 2012!

The ink isn't even dry on our election ballots and already you are probably longing for those sweet sounds emanating from your TV set. Great phrases like “Higher Taxes fort the Middle Class”,” Trillions in debt!”, “Outlaw all abortions!”, ”Legitimate Rape” ,“47% of Americans…..”, and or course “ JOBS! JOBS! JOBS”

But now thanks to Life-Time Media, you’ll be able to relive those great campaign ad moments over, and over, and over again!

Remember this Great Hit “Abolish the Welfare Work Requirement”

Or how about “Day One on Romney’s Presidency”

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Or That great Super PAC hit “Change – But only between a Man and A Woman"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=oiEn0Pj0UGE#t=36s

Or that other "Romney and Ryan on Rape"

And who could forget that great one “Mitt Romney Super Hero!”

Before you can Say “Big Bird – you’re fired!”, you’ll be puking once again  at  those great moments of the 2012 campaign

If you order now, we’ll also send you as free bonus, Todd Akins’ Legitimate Rape Statement” interview video at no extra charge!

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