Trump Pardon’s God for Hurricane Harvey – Says There Was Blame On Both Sides

Satirical News Service
Houston, Texas

Appearing in Houston before what Trump says was a YUGE crowd at Joel Osteen’s Megachurch. Donald Trump issued a Presidential Pardon to God for causing Hurricane Harvey that dumped almost 5 feet of water on the Houston area. In his speech he stressed “While it is tragic what happened, there is blame on both sides.” He went on to site Houston’s leniency toward illegal immigrants and tolerance of gays as some of the reasons that God might have for bringing down the wrath of Hurricane Harvey.

President Trump Readies Thousands of Cases of Play Dough to help with Hurricane Recovery

Satirical News Service
Houston, Texas

President Trump and Vice President Pence were seen just outside of the flood ravaged coastal areas and city of Houston, Texas preparing to send thousands of cases of Play Dough to the victims.  The President wants everyone to know that he is sending his own "dough" to help pay for the clean up. He further stated that he wants to emphasize that with all the dough he's going to send, there will be no need for Federal Disaster relief funds to be used. Besides, he late tweeted, Mexico sent us this hurricane, and Mexico is going to pay to clean it up!"

Trump Wants Wall to Prevent Hurricanes Coming From Mexico

Path Of The Area He Wants To Build His Wall To Keep Out Hurricanes

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In the response to scenes of today’s devastating hurricane hitting Texas right now, Trump today went on Twitter to demand that Congress act immediately on his Wall, to “prevent these devastating hurricanes coming directly from Mexico.”

“My weather experts are telling me that these hurricanes, just like the one that is right now devastating the Houston area, are coming directly from Mexico! Now Mexico, in addition to letting drug dealers, rapists, and murderers freely cross our border, are now letting devastating hurricanes come over the border and causing massive damage – massive! The only way to stop this is to build my wall that I have been asking Congress to do since DAY ONE! 

      Mexico, I assure you will pay for it, but right now we cannot afford to wait until the next hurricane comes over the border bringing tornadoes, floods, and catastrophic damage to our shores. My scientists and engineers have told me with complete assurances that this wall will prevent hurricanes from crossing our border. We have to build this wall NOW!”

Trump Pardons Charles Manson – Stresses His Exemplary Family Loyalty

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Donald Trump today pardoned Charles Manson after nearly 45 years in prison siting his exemplary loyalty to his  family.

“Charles Manson has shown what it means to be loyal to your family. No matter how much they offered him to rat out his other Manson family members, he remained loyal. These are the kind of family values that America needs – and certain members of my own family should be thinking about. While no one will deny that he did some bad things, there was blame to be had on both sides – especially among members of the elite Hollywood ultra-liberal set. So today I am pardoning him to reunite him with his surviving family members to carry on their good works and remain loyal to each other."

Epidemic of Bone Spurs Affecting Servicemen and Women About to be Deployed to Afghanistan

Satirical News Service
Washington, D.C.

Tragically, nearly all of the more than 4000 servicemen and women who were scheduled for deployment to Afghanistan following President Trumps “new” plan to win the 16 year old war have become afflicted with crippling bone spurs in their feet. In a letter sent to the White House from those servicemen and women they stated.

Dear Mr. Trump:

               We are dreadfully sorry that we will be unable to participate in your new effort to win the war in Afghanistan. As you well know bone spurs can be quite debilitating and certainly prevent us from participating in this escapade, as much as we’d love to win the war for you. May we suggest as replacements you send members of your own family, Paul Ryan, your friends in Goldman Sachs, the KKK, the Neo-Nazi, and all the para-military groups that say they are just “dying to go over there”. Good luck!

Regretfully,

US servicemen and women scheduled for deployment

Trump Vows To Build Wall Between Afghanistan And Pakistan

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

With his poll numbers tanking and the prospects for getting his Wall with Mexico practically nil, Trump spoke out today promising to build a wall between Afghanistan and Pakistan to keep out the terrorists and Taliban. “We’re going to build a wall between Pakistan and Afghanistan! It’ll be YUGE! It’ll be the greatest wall that has EVER been built! It’ll be better and bigger than even the great Chinese wall – which by the way is a pathetic wall, terrible. It can hardly keep anyone out. This wall is going to be fantastic! And do you know who is going to pay for this wall.....? THE PAKISTANI’S!!!!!!!!! That's Who!

The response from the Pakistani government is untranslatable, but it has something to do with performing an act with a Donkey.

Lost speech by Adolf Hitler decrying violence “on both sides” during Kristallnacht

Kristallnacht

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

A lost transcript of a speech made by Adolf Hitler the day after the infamous Kristallnacht in Germany in 1938, has recently surfaced. 

In it he decried “…the violence on BOTH sides that led to many of our brave law enforcement people, who were simply trying to uphold the peace, being injured by broken glass.

There were Jews there with menorah’s that they were holding up as weapons, and Torah’s that they were using as clubs to prevent people from putting out fires that the Jews themselves were setting and breaking Windows. It’s no surprise when a few enthusiastic members of the Nazi party felt obliged to defend themselves against these acts of terrorism by the Leftist’s and Jews. While we regret that a few Jews were injured and maybe even died as result most likely of their own actions, we cannot just blame one side for this. The blame goes to many sides – many sides.”

He went on to condemn to foreign press for their biased reporting of the event, and promised to rally his base against them as well.

Kim Jong Un – "Threats to Guam only to promote Tourism There"

Satirical News Service
Pyongyang, North Korea

In a rare show of agreement between the USA and North Korea, Kim Jong Un stated on their national TV that their threats to Guam were only designed to promote tourism, just as President Trump said. They released a new poster today to promote this idea. Kim also promised to help promote tourism in other places too such as Hawaii and Seattle, Washington.

Latest Trump Twitter Feed puts Nation at Defcon 3 briefly

Satirical News Service
Washington,DC

The Nation briefly went to Defcon 3 - the highest national threat alert since the end of the Cold War after President Trump tweeted that he could launch a nuclear attack against Pyongyang and his base would still love him. He was alluding to a statement he made once on the campaign trail in which he stated that "...I could shoot someone on 5th Avenue in New York City and my base would still support me".
John Kelly was immediately contacted by the joint chiefs of staff wondering "WFT was going on". After several frantic calls to Chinese diplomats and NATO, and back channels to North Korea, the alert was scaled back.

Trump Planned To Fulfill Another Campaign Promise – Shoot Someone on 5th Avenue

Satirical News Service
New York, NY

Early this morning Chief of Staff John Kelly received and urgent call from Trump’s Secret service agents saying they were currently restraining Trump and needed Kelly to get over to Trump Towers Immediately. According to sources close to Trump, after Tweeting that his base was bigger than ever, was seen leaving Trump towers with a loaded Winchester stating 

“I’m going to fulfill another of my campaign promises today and go out on 5^th Avenue and shoot someone -  and my base will still love me”.

Secret Service Agents immediately restrained the protesting President Trump until John Kelly arrived, and told Trump that in no uncertain terms could he do this. 

One Fish Two Fish.....

With apologies to Dr. Suess

One fish, Two fish

My Fish, You Fish

Say what a lot of Fish we catch

What a lot of Plots we hatch

This one has such tiny fins

Much too small to keep in tins

We keep him anyway on the line

And reel him in from time to time

And if it fights us, we’ll yank back

And reveal what he knows about election hacks

This Trump fish we catch won’t get away

He’s on our hook and there he’ll stay.