Zombie Vote May Decide the Election

Satirical News Service

Washington, DC

With less than 2 weeks to go before the 2012 election, the Zombie vote may be the crucial decider. The Zombie Vote is usually made up of Independent voters who typically have very little interest in politics. But this year they have been hit particularly hard by “death and taxes”, thus proving the old adage of the inevitability of both. They also have no interest in the Health Care debate but would like there to be "Death Panels". In the past the Zombie voters have largely come from Cook County which encompasses the Chicago voting district and have swayed presidential elections in the past. But this year, the Zombies from Ohio may decide the election. Zombies usually vote in a single block and vote early - around Halloween. Pennsylvania officials are going to be on the watch for fraudulent voters posing as Zombies, but are not actually dead. Since photo ID’s are pretty much useless with this group due to the decomposition of their flesh, Zombies in Pennsylvania will be required to show both a birth and a death certificate.

            Throughout this election both candidates have been secretly catering to the Zombie voters for some time now. Mitt Romney has tried to portray himself as a Zombie since the early primaries, and President Obama tried to portray himself as a Zombie in the first Presidential debate.

            Issues that have most importance to Zombies are the “Rights of the Undead”. Zombies want to have a constitutional person-hood amendment stating that “Life begins at conception, but doesn't end at death.” Not only do they want to lower inheritance tax rates, but they want to eliminate inheritance altogether. They are generally not swayed by typical political rhetoric, but seem to be drawn to the red meat political attack ads that have dominated this election.