Faux Mint to Offer “The Mueller Indictment Series Commemorative Coin Set”

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Now, an exclusive offer from the Faux Mint Company, “The Mueller Indictment Series”. This exclusive offer commemorates each of the many individuals who have been indicted, flipped, or convicted in Mueller’s Investigation. Approximately every month you will receive a new coin cast in precious metal and plated in silver, bronze or gold depending on how close that individual was to Donald Trump. You will be able to hold and admire each of these coins for years to come – and they will become only more valuable as the collection grows and grows. Each coin comes with a certificate of authenticity as well as a complete copy of the indictment or plea of that individual. You’ll be able to commemorate these achievements for years to come – cast forever into these beautiful commemorative coins.

Obama Apologizes To Republicans for “Leading them into a Life of Crime”

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 A very saddened former President Obama today released a press statement in which he wanted to apologize to the Republican Party for “Leading them into a Life of Crime.”

“There have been so many indictments of so many Congressmen and high up officials.” He went on to say, “I somehow just know somehow it was my fault – Maybe it was getting the ACA Bill passed, or rescuing the economy from total collapse, but whatever it was somehow it sent the wrong message to all those Republicans, and they went on to a life of crime. Maybe I should have listened to Joe (Biden) when he said ‘you need to be tougher on these people! If they think they can get away with something now, it’ll only get worse’.  I only hope that the American people can forgive me and learn from this, as I have, and maybe avoid this with the next President.”

Guliani Presents His Latest Defense Arguments – Lies Aren’t Really Lies

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Sounding like a philosophy professor Rudolph Guliani today outlined his latest defense for Trump stating “Since we already know that Truth isn’t Truth, it therefore stands to reason that Lies aren’t Lies either." He goes on to state “Since we’ve established that, how can we accuse President Trump or Donald Trump Jr. of lying to investigators when lies aren’t lies. How can there be a crime of perjury here?”

Giuliani Now Says “The Real Donald Trump Not To Blame – Trump’s Evil Twin Is”

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

After a week of bizarre statements by Chief Council Rudolph Giuliani in an interview Sunday with NBC’s Chuck Todd, Giuliani today stated that he now knows who is behind the collusion with Russian agents during the election. “It was Trump’s evil twin brother. This brother has long been kept a secret from the public and even members of his own family. It now has become evident that he was the one who might be behind any collusion with Russian Agents – if there was any collusion – which of course there wasn’t. The Real Donald Trump is completely innocent. He only has been attacking the press, the FBI, the Justice Department, Mueller and everyone else just to protect his twin brother. He cares very much for him and will do anything to protect him. But he – meaning the REAL Donald Trump is completely innocent.”

When pressed about the daily onslaught of bizarre tweets coming from Trump's twitter account (@RealDonaldTrump), Giuliani confessed “These are also the work of Trump’s evil twin. He created the account as @RealDonaldTrump only to divert attention away from him, the NOT real Donald Trump.”

While heads in the Press room were swimming in a “WTF expression” of bewilderment, Giuliani added, “This is not a time to pile on the President (i.e. The REAL Donald Trump). He is carrying a great burden now having to deal with the fact that his family’s dreadful secret is out at last.”

Putin Offers to Stage His Own Military Parade to Replace One Trump Canceled

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

After tweeting that he was canceling his planned military parade due to DC politicians, Vladimir Putin tweeted back,

“My Dear Comrade (not no too close, ha,ha). 

I am deeply sorry that you cannot have your parade. I will be very happy to make for you an even greater parade down Pennsylvania Avenue of our great Russian Armed Forces including jets flying over, tanks rolling through Washington, and Ballistic Missiles rolling past your White House. We will happily supply more than 100,000 of our troops to make this happen for you. I expect my parade for you to last 2 days, or a week, and perhaps much much longer. And do not worry about cost, my dear Comrade, it is the least we can do to pay you back for all the help you have given us over the past year”

Your Comrade

Vlad

Paul Manafort Found Guilty of 32 Counts of Terrible Taste in Clothes

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

The jury in the Paul Manafort case came forward with a 32 count guilty verdict for Terrible Taste in Clothing. They also found him guilty of 21 counts of Insanely Poor Shopping Habits.

One juror, who refused to be identified stated, "My mind was pretty well made up when I saw that Ostrich jacket  - and the price he paid for it - $15,000. It was truly hideous! Also the prices he paid for those other suits - $50,000 or more for something you could pick up at Nordstroms Rack for $250! The man is clearly guilty of poor taste and poor shopping habits.”

His sentencing is expected next month where the judge will most likely force him to wear an orange jump suit for possibly the rest of his life.

Coal Prices Soar on Reports of Huge Order from Santa Claus

Satirical News Service
New York, NY

Shares of Coal Futures soared today amid reports of a huge order by Santa Claus Industries. Their CEO, Kris Kringle, confirmed the order saying our demand for coal this Xmas is going thru the roof. The number of naughty keeps growing, and there is worry that there will be insufficient coal available to put in their stockings. Most of the coal will be sent to the Washington Beltway region where the naughty top the list, mostly from people high up in government offices. "Perhaps THIS is how Trump is going to bring back the coal industry to America", said one spokesperson.

Trump Awarded First Ever Nobel “Piss” Prize

First Ever Nobel Piss Prize Awarded to Donald Trump

Satirical News Service
Stockholm, Sweden

Today the Nobel Prize Commission in Stockholm announced that they were giving the first ever Nobel “Piss Prize” to Donald Trump. It is in recognition of the fact that he has managed to “Piss-Off” more than three-quarters of the world’s population. 

In their award statement, they said,

“We have never before seen the world so united in their common disgust of Donald Trump. Wherever we went – even in the remotest parts of Africa and the far polar regions in the North, 3 out of 4 people had the same reaction to him – ‘He a total (expletive deleted)’. “

The award comes with a monetary prize of  1 öre – worth less than 1 cent US.

Putin Robocalls Trump’s Candidates to Help Win Mid Term Elections

Satirical News Service
Moscow, Russia

Vladimir Putin has offered to help President Trump in his campaign to get Republicans in mid-term elections with Robocalls that will go out to Republicans in contested districts.

"Pree-vyét (hello) Americans. It is your old friend and new ally Vladimir Putin calling to urge you to go out and vote for (name of candidate), who is also great friend and ally of Mr. Trump. Together, but with no collusion, we Make Amerika Great Again. He will fulfill promise of building US border wall and re-build Berlin Wall too, to keep out immigrants who might be trying to leave oppressive regimes in countries. (name of candidate) promises to be very tough on me so we can all be friends. So get out and vote for (name of candidate)."

"I’m Donald Trump and I approve this message that I and my entire family had no prior knowledge of and certainly did not collude in its making. "

New Documentary Shows Lincoln Pleaded with Congress to Build Wall between North and South

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 A new documentary has recently been released showing new evidence that in 1861 Lincoln pleaded with Congress to “Build a Wall between Northern States and Southern States” to prevent illegal immigration of  Black slaves who were escaping and illegally crossing the border in large numbers. “We need that wall!, Lincoln pleaded, “to prevent a Civil War between the States”. But in the end, the Democratic Party held up his vitally needed wall and resulted in the Civil War. The new documentary also shows that Fort Sumter was only fired upon after it was learned that Union Soldiers from that fort were coming to take away their guns. They fired only to protect their Second Amendment Rights.

Kim Jong-Un Posts Blueprints for Printing your own Fully Functional ICBM on Your Home 3D printer

Satirical News Service
Pyongyang, DPK

Taking a cue from the recent posting of the blueprints to “print” your own fully-functional-plastic-3D gun, Kim Jong-Un today posted downloadable blueprints for his ICBM’s complete with a nuclear warhead that can be printed with any low-cost home 3D printer. He tweeted, “Now everyone can also be a nuclear power.”