DeSantis Makes Bold Proposal to Facilitate Hamas Hostage Deal

 

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

In an effort to shore up his sagging polls and demonstrate his skill at handling tough international issues, DeSantis plans to offer a deal to Hamas where he would exchange 10 Homeless Americans and 10 Undocumented US border crossers for each Israeli hostage. He claims he already has the mechanism in place to do this as evidenced by his recent actions by arranging to send undocumented workers from Texas to Martha’s Vineyard last year. Now he is doubling down by offering to send not only undocumented workers from other states, by also Homeless people from California (just to stick it to Gavin Newsom). DeSantis promised that the people he sends over to Gaza will be very compliant and diligent workers – and if not Hamas can always deport them somewhere else.

Trump Presents His Conclusive Evidence of Election Fraud in Georgia

 

Satirical News Service
Mar-a-Largo, FL

After nearly 41 indictments came raining down naming Trump and others in Election Fraud in Georgia, Trump countered with a special “News” conference on Monday showing conclusive evidence  clearing him of any wrongdoing. To back up his claim he presented what he claimed was irrefutable evidence which showed a very grainy and blurry photo of (what he claims) is Hunter Biden at a laptop computer that is sending signals to Italian Satellites in Earth orbit that are in communicating instructions to Dominion Voting machines in Georgia to change Trump votes to Biden.

“No one can refute this”, he claimed in his 'News' conference, "it’s there for all to see that Hunter Biden is responsible for the voter fraud – not me. The FBI needs to stop this witch hunt for me and focus on finding Hunter Biden’s laptop which will prove my innocence.”

Mattel Tries to Launch “Ronny” Doll But Fails to Gain Any Sales

 

Satirical News Service
Washington, D.C.

In an effort to gain some traction from the recent success of the movie Barbie, The DeSantis campaign commissioned the toy maker Mattel to release a limited edition “Ronny” doll in the likeness of Ron DeSantis. However, after a brief test marketing effort with very poor sales and likeability ratings, Mattel withdrew the doll from the market after comments from mothers and girls showed the product was doomed from its inception.

“It always looks like it's scowling”, reported one parent

“It doesn’t seem to have an occupation or purpose and just looks stupid” comment another

Observers reported that kids playing with the dolls repeatedly got into fights with other Barbie Dolls – especially the Barbie School Board doll and the Barbie Librarian doll. Other girls playing with Ken dolls, especially the Afro-American-Ken dolls disliked him as did the Gay Alan dolls. His only friend dolls were “Trailer Trash Tom”, and “Biggot Bubba”. Even they started to dislike him, preferring instead to be friends with the “Can’t-Touch-Me Trump” doll.

In the end, Mattel just decided to abandon the effort and delegate the remaining unsold dolls to a landfill site in Florida.

Own Your Own "Target of FBI Investigation" Letter

Now, exclusively from MAGA Enterprises, you can own a genuine facsimile “Letter to notify you that you are the target of an FBI investigation” letter – with YOUR name on it - just like the one they sent me!  

The letter even bears the signature of that witch-hunting traitor Jack Smith and lists all the lies they are accusing me of. Just holding this in your hands, you’ll be able to share in my pain and resolve to win in 2024 so I can fire all those bastards who plotted against me.

Cost  - a mere $2000 which will help me defray my ever-mounting legal costs.

New Electric Cars Debut in 2028 Called the "Bunny" and the "Schildkröte" (Hare)

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Ralston Purina, the parent company of Eveready Batteries has announced plans to enter into the electric car manufacturing business. It is expected to debut its first model in 2028 which they have named “The Energizer Bunny”. Coincidently  a German company Varta - BMZ Group will also begin manufacturing electric cars with its first model called the "Schildkröte" (Tortoise).  To foster increased sales, the two companies have agreed to stage a cross-country race between the two cars. It will be interesting to see who wins this race between the tortoise and the hare.

Miraculous Rescue After 40 days in Amazon

 

Satirical News Service
Knoxville, TN

Authorities in Tennessee are cheering tonight  after a miraculous rescue of 40 young children and infants who had been lost in an Amazon Warehouse for more than 40 days. They had accidentally wandered into an Amazon Truck on one of its stops that was then parked at the sprawling Amazon warehouse in  Mt. Juliet, Tennessee. Cut off from all civilization they survived by eating old sandwiches and snacks left there by workers. Despite numerous rescue attempts by robots, it was feared that they would not be found, or worse, be  delivered to the wrong address. Finally, a pet dog brought by one of the workers found them and they were able to send teams of rescuers to retrieve them. They appeared to all be in good health and are expected to be delivered back to their homes in two days.

Debt Ceiling Bill Hits Last Minute Snag Over Work Requirments for Billionares

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 In a last-minute snag to get the Debt Ceiling Bill passed, Republicans are balking after discovering the work requirement for billionaires. Along with requirements for work to be eligible for food stamps, there is a provision that requires people earning more than  $500,000 of income a year must prove that they actually worked for it in order to receive all the tax loopholes and benefits they get. They must provide a paystub and show that all taxes were withheld on that income.  Telephones immediately started ringing in Republican offices demanding that this be stripped from the bill. “Why should we be expected to actually work? Isn’t it enough that we’re filthy rich and pay no taxes?”

Aide Accidently gives Trillion Dollar Coin to Homeless Man

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 After the US Mint secretly minted a 1 Trillion Dollar platinum coin as a last-ditch effort to do an end run around defaulting on the National Debt, an aide who was tasked with delivering it to the Treasury accidentally gave it to a homeless man.

According to sources within the US Mint, the single coin had been minted just 12 hours before. An aide was tasked with actually delivering that coin into the hands of the Treasury Secretary before the midnight deadline after which time the US would default. The aide stated that he had every intention to deliver it, but as he was crossing Constitution Avenue, he ran into a homeless man who asked him if he had spare change. “I reached into my pocket and handed him a coin. I really thought it was a quarter, but when I got to the Treasury Department I realized my mistake – that I had given him the Trillion Dollar Coin”. Efforts to find the man were not successful, but authorities are certain that they’ll find him when he tries to use it to buy booze and expects change back.

DeSantis Sends all Disney Characters Back to California

 

Satirical News Service
Orlando, FL

Governor DeSantis today escalated his ongoing feud with Disney by staging a pre-opening raid by his “private Florida guard”. They rounded up all the Disney characters as they prepared to greet visitors and shuttled them to waiting planes headed  for Anaheim, California.  In a statement, DeSantis stated, “Until we can document that these characters are legal US citizens, we want them to return to their place of origin which is Disneyland in Anaheim, California”.” 

This is one more of a series of escalating measures to punish Disney for speaking out about his controversial “Don’t say Gay” bill. Horrified visitors waiting to get into the park were shocked to see armed agents in full tactical gear frog marching Mickey and Minney Mouse out of the park and into waiting buses.

Texans Flee To Sudan In A Desperate To Escape The Carnage Here

 

Satirical News Service
Fort Worth, Texas

Hundreds of Texans have crowded into airports here hoping to catch a mercy flight that will fly them to Sudan to escape the carnage here. With a mass shooting in Texans now nearly every other day, many individuals are concluding that they would be safer in Sudan than anywhere in Texas.

One refugee was quoted to say, “At least in Sudan you know who is shooting at you, and hopefully when one side wins or they can come to a consensus, the shooting will stop. Here in Texas, you have no idea who is going to shoot you, and since everyone here seems to own assault rifles and handguns it could be anyone who could shoot you anywhere. There is no end in sight. I’ll take my chances in Sudan. “

Those who cannot flee are urged to hunker down in the basement or safe place within their own homes, and not venture out to malls, bars, schools, or any place of entertainment. It is becoming increasingly difficult to survive in Texas since the power grid seems to fail whenever storms, cold or excess heat happens, and food is becoming scarce since they’ve cracked down on immigration and there is no one left to make the supply chain work. Some hope that the UN will intervene and impose some sort of sane gun control in that state, but right now the best place to be is elsewhere.

TORRIES HOLD UP CORONATION. DEMAND DEEP CONCESSIONS BEFORE ALLOWING KING TO BE CROWNED

 

Satirical News Service
London, UK

Taking a page from Republican lawmakers in the USA, The Torries putting a last-minute hold on tomorrow’s planned coronation of King Charles III. Torries are now demanding concessions from the Royals including abandoning any activities aimed at saving the environment and climate change, speaking about actions related to immigration, and repeal of any tax laws that tax the rich It has been nearly a century since the last monarch was crowned and never with strings attached. Officials who have been planning the Coronation for months are livid over these new demands. As one put it “They should have their heads on pikes on the castle wall.”

Florida Legislature Considering a New Class of People To Pass Laws Against

 

Satirical News Service
Tallahassee, Florida

With the “Don’t Say Gay Bill” passed, and DeSantis’s feud with Disney now headed for the courts, the Republican-dominated legislature is desperately looking for a new group of people to pass laws against. As one Legislator put it, "We need to keep our base’s furor up against these 'cultural issues' lest they WOKE up and start wanting us to focus on the actual real issues facing Floridians." 

High on their shortlist is Polydactylism. These are people who have six or more digits on their hands or feet. While it is relatively rare, it presents the perfect target for Republicans to single out a group to raise their furor against. One unnamed Republican legislator is quoted to have said, “These people have an unfair advantage in sports and other activities requiring manual dexterity. We need to ban them from participating in any of them. Can you imagine having to bat against a pitcher with 12 fingers – or a first baseman? We need to ban the sale of sporting equipment tailored to those needs as well as prevent doctors from providing hand therapy to them. This is the only way we can show Floridians and the American people that we are for a free and open society that is for equal opportunities for all.”

The Bill will be nicknamed the “Don’t Say Polydactyly” if they can manage to pronounce it.

Wizard DeSainus Denies Gender Affirming Care to Oz Four

Satirical News Service
OZ

Today Governor and ruling Wizard of Oz, Ron DeSainus  reneged on his promises to the” Oz Four” after they defeated  the evil Witch of Mar-a-Lago. Citing a recently passed law that DeSainus ushered through the Oz legislature, he is claiming that “giving the scarecrow a brain, The Tin Man a Heart, The Cowardly Lion 'da-Nerve', and Dorothy rights to her own reproductive decisions  are all things that would be considered “Gender Affirming Care”, and illegal under the newly enacted law."

By taking a firm stand on this, he hopes to make himself more appealing to the Republican base.

Florida Legislature Takes up Bill for Background Checks and Waiting Period to Checkout Library Books

Satirical News Service
Tallahassee, FL

The Republican led Florida legislature today put forward a new bill that would require background checks for all persons wishing to obtain a library card and a 10 day waiting period before checking out any library books.

“While we realize that this may impact some law abiding people who just want to read a nice mystery novel , there are some others who may want to check out books like How to give yourself an Abortion, or My happy fun-filled Life as a Transgender. These type of WOKE books pose an eminent danger to our impressionable youths, and out of an abundance of caution, we must have these measures in place to protect them.”

Meanwhile the Florida Legislature repealed laws requiring people to obtain a permit for concealed weapons and eliminated age requirements for firearms purchases.

 

Previously unknown Balloon Liberation Front Responsible for Recent Incursions

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 A previously unknown group called the Balloon Liberation Organization With a United Purpose, or BLOWUP for short, has claimed responsibility for the recent incursions of balloons into US and Canadian airspaces. In their statement, they said, “For too long we have watched our brothers and sisters chained down and wantonly deflated." 

"We have witnessed our children being popped simply for amusement at birthday parties. It’s time now that we fight back. We plan to launch armies of untethered balloons over your cities to terrorize your citizens until we liberate all of our brothers and sisters. Our motto, Latex Lives Matter!”

Chinese Spy Balloons Released at 2020 RNC Convention to Spy on Trump

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Congressional  Investigators who are now looking into the recent Chinese Balloon incursion have uncovered evidence that these same miniaturized  Chinese spy balloons were released in mass  at the 2020 RNC convention. It is believe by members of that committee that it was done in an effort to spy on the Trump Campaign and change the results of the election. Jim Jordan (R) and Marjorie Taylor Greene(R) who head the committee point out that “this is just more evidence that the Chinese interfered with the election in an effort to deny Trump another term.” According to Jordan, “It is clear from these pictures that those balloons released at the RNC are exactly the same as the one as the Chinese one recently shot down over US waters, only made much smaller."

Chinese Now Claim That “Balloon” Was Really A Rare Species Of “Air Whales” Looking For It’s Calves

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 In a new twist to the Chinese balloon saga, the Chinese government in Beijing now are claiming that the so-called Spy ship” that the US shot down, was actually a rare species of  “Air Whale” that must have strayed into US territory apparently looking for its two young claves that it had recently given birth to. To prove this the Chinese released photos of the mother with her two newly born calves somewhere over the Pacific before it was shot down.