New Military Branches Comprised of Seniors

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

With hard core Republicans fuming over having to concede some tax increases, they have set their new sights on drastically changing entitlement programs such as Medicare and Social Security while greatly increasing Defense spending. One such proposal would raise the eligibility of Social Security and Medicare to age 75. To counter this, the AARP has deployed a new strategy.  Knowing full well that the three things that any Congressman would be loath to cut the funding for are the Military, Anti-Terrorism, and Programs for Seniors, they propose to raise the military age for eligibility to 75, and create four new “special forces” in the military for just people over the age of 65.

SEAL Team 65 – This would consist of special teams of Seniors who would watch over pools ready to pounce on any suspected Al Qaeda terrorist who might lurk in the deep end.

The Gray Berets -   A special branch of the Army whose mission is so secret, we can’t even mention it.

The Beach Guard – These would be a special branch of the Coast Guard consisting of mobile teams of Seniors equipped with camouflage beach chairs and umbrellas, and special “day-seeing” goggles. They would watch over our beaches to defend against landing crafts or surf boards loaded with terrorists.

Discount Airfare Force  – An elite cadre of seniors who would ride our commercial airplanes between the Midwest and the Sun Belt watching out for other senior citizen terrorists who might be hiding explosives in their Depends, or who might want to ignite highly flammable gaseous farts on an airplane.

The physical requirements for these troops would be lowered to only needing to walk 300 feet with or without an assisted device.  Many would be deployed in special combat scooters or walking devices. They would also be eligible for full medical coverage from the VA as well as Military Pensions when they retire at age 75 or older. According to one AARP spokesperson, “Just let them try to cut finding for this!”