Satirical News Service
Washington, DC
Washington, DC
The CDC announced today
startling new findings that conclusively link handling of guns to a very severe
form of male impotence and penile necrosis. In this form of impotence, Viagra and Cialis
are completely ineffective. As exposure to guns increases, “the pecker
literally withers up and falls off”. It
appears to be something in the makeup of the gun metal that causes a chemical
reaction with male testosterone. The more powerful and bigger the gun, the
greater the risk. Gun owners are urged to immediately dispose of their
firearms, or at minimum avoid any contact with them. The military and police
forces who must carry firearms will be issued special gloves to prevent
exposure. Since these gloves are not covered under the Second Amendment Rights,
they are only available to Armed Forces and Licensed Police Officers. Anyone
else in possession of them can be faced with fines or imprisonment.
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