Biden Installs Lower Price Gas Pump at White House

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 In an effort to show he’s fighting inflation and bring up his sagging poll numbers, President Biden today showed off a newly installed gas pump at the White House featuring $1 a gallon gas. He announced that this gas was made directly from the recently released “strategic reserve petroleum”. In his announcement, he stated this would now be open to the public to fill up their tanks. “I hope other gasoline companies would follow suit in lowering their pump prices”, he went on.

Before you go out and try to get gas at the White House, you first have to pass a background check and make a reservation. Your vehicle must also pass a security inspection and be tested for emissions.

All New "Bond" Series Announced

Satricial News Service
London, England

With Daniel Craig now gone from the long-running 007 series, Eon Productions has just announced an entirely new "00" series that is currently in production in the USA. You will see many of the old favorites in their new roles.

Notes from a Vaccine Sommelier - Vaccine Pairing

 

Satricial News Service
Washington, DC

A year ago we got our first selection of COVID vaccines to sample and compare “tasting notes”. Now almost a year later the FDC is recommending boosters. Some sources suggested mixing and matching boosters with their initial ones. So in this article, we looked at the “tasting notes” from our first pairing of vaccines.

Pfizer with Moderna

In our first flight of sampling, we paired an early harvest Pfizer vaccine with a slightly later release of a Moderna. Our panelists all thought the two paired well together.“Mild stick in the arm with a slight burn; After effects were similar to the Pfizer but with a slightly prolong body chill but not overpowering.” Our panelists gave the antibody response a 9 out of 10 on the COVID protection scale.

Moderna with J&J

In our last installment, J&J had just been released but we did not have a chance to see how it would age over time. Now we were able to pair the early release 2021 J&J with a 7 month aged Moderna. Both were mildly sharp in the arms with the Modern producing slightly more burn than the J&J. After effects were as expected with The Moderna, but the J&J left a slightly sweet taste in our mouth a day after receiving it. The panelists gave the antibody response an 8.7 on the COVID  protection scale.

Pfizer with J&J

Here we paired an 8-month-old aged Pfizer vaccine with a later release J&J. As expected the Pfizer vaccine produced a more pronounced “ouch” compared to the J&J. The characteristic body ache was more pronounced with the Pfizer, but relatively little from the following J&J. Most panelists detected a “flinty” after-taste in their mouth after both injections. They gave it an 8.6 for antibody response on the COVID protection scale.

J&J with Late Release J&J

When we first sampled the J&J, it was very young and had no time to age. We now we're able to pair this early Nouveau vaccine with one that had been aged at refrigerator temperature for more than 6 months.  The panelists all concluded that this seemed to have a minimal effect but might suggest a longer aging period.

“Overall the jab was moderate with pain-reducing after about 12 hours. Body ache was minimal.”

They gave it an 8.2 overall for the antibody response on the COVID protection scale.

Mob to open Their Own Abortion Clinic Franchise in Texas

 

Satirical News Service
Dallas, Texas

With Texas’s new abortion law soon going into effect, Planned Parenthood, the largest organization to provide abortions on demand has been pretty much shut down. This has left an opportunity for organized crime to fill the void it's left. In a statement given to SNS, the unnamed CEO explained their new venture. 

“We intend on opening new clinics throughout Texas under the brand name “Foget-Abowt-It”. The name pretty much explains it all. We’ve been offering safe sanitary and very private abortions to people in our own network for more than 80 years. Now we have the opportunity to offer this same service to the general public. In addition, this service comes with some added benefits. You won’t have to wade through a phalanx of unruly protestors. We’ve pretty much-taken care of that. We also ensure your privacy. Anyone threatening to bring a civil suit against you or anyone else in accordance with the new Texas law will receive a personal visit from one of our baseball bat welding enforcers. If the woman can’t afford to pay, we also use our enforcers to collect from the guy who knocked them up as well. "

Trump to Sign Formal Surrender to Taliban After Conversion to Islam

 

Trump shown here holding a copy the Koran after converting to Islam

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 A new secret deal has been hammered out with leaders of the Taliban. After convincing Taliban leaders that Donald Trump is still the US President and has been re-instated just as he claimed. He will be flown to Kabul to sign a formal surrender to the Taliban after which will he be shown converting to Islam. In exchange, the Taliban will allow free unhindered passage to the US-held airport until the evacuation can be completed. Trump will be escorted to Kabul by US Marshalls willingly or unwillingly where he will have a choice to comply or come home in two pieces. Once he has complied, he will be allowed to fly to Russia to remain there free from US prosecution. In a statement by un-named government sources who brokered the deal, he said “Trump has said he wants to help the Afghan people and show how much rapport he has with the Taliban leaders, now he has a chance to.” The Biden Administration is saying it is a win-win situation for everyone.

Desperate Passengers Clamor Onto One of the Few SPIRIT Airlines Planes Actually Planning To Fly

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Chaos ensured at a major unnamed US airport today as desperate passengers, some of whom have been waiting for more than a week clamor to get onto a Spirit jet that is actually set to fly. Passengers were seen climbing over the wings, wheels, and holding onto anything that would enable them to get out on that flight. Spirit Airlines regrets the delays, but declined to comment on this scene.

Republicans Pushing to Liberate Greenland as Next US Military involvement

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

With the fall of Afghanistan now nearly complete, Republicans are trying to rally their party around a new military cause to deflect Trumps’s involvement in causing the Afghan collapse and Taliban victory.

“It’s important that we find a new war soon so we can have an excuse to call for boosting military spending and have lots of rallies and parades to show we support our troops”, said Lindsay Graham. “We are looking closely at Greenland as the site of our next military involvement. The fact that it has no army or even a sizable population makes it an ideal advisory. Also, we can paint it as the base of the ‘notorious terrorist group Global Warming which has recently attacked the US with forest fires, flooding, and heatwaves. We tried before to negotiate with the Danish government to surrender the territory to us, but they stubbornly refused. Now it’s time to take it ourselves. It’s time to Go Nuuk and liberate Greenland!”

Taliban Fighters in Afghanistan Show Off Captured Aircraft Carrier

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 As the Taliban fighters sweep quickly over much of Afghanistan, they are showing pictures of all the US equipment that was captured or left behind that is now in the hands of their fighters. The latest one shows victorious Taliban fighters showing off their latest prize, a captured vintage US Aircraft carrier that was sent to bolster Afghan Naval forces at a cost of several billion dollars. This is quite a surprise since not only does Afghanistan NOT have a navy, but this is a semi-arid landlocked country with no navigable waterways. It is uncertain just what the Taliban would do with such a thing, but US intelligence suggested it might be used as a soccer field.

Psychic Group wants $10 million to Prove 2020 Election Fraudulent

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 With the Cyber Ninjas coming up with squat in their 6 month effort to find fraudulent ballots in Arizona, a new group has come forward wanting 10 million dollars in donations to conclusively prove that Biden’s victory was fraudulent. This group is the Patriotic Psychic Society of America; They believe that they have the tools and expertise to conclusively prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that the election was stolen from Donald Trump. Its leader who goes by the name of “All Seeing Eye” said in an interview, “We have the necessary tools to get this job done right. These are high-tech Ouija boards 10 times more sensitive than standard ones, crystal balls, Taro cards, and séances conducted by expert mediums who have been communicating with dead people who will swear affidavits that they voted in the last election for Biden by absentee ballot. They will also show that rogue deep state psychics from the Democratic party were seen in trans-like states outside of polling places that had voting machines manufactured by Dominion.  It is well known that some psychics have the power to bend spoons – how much harder would it be to change electronic votes?”

This society claims that it has already been prophesized that Trump will be reinstated in August. We intend to supply definitive proof to make that happen. 

NRA Highlights Chinese Gold Medal in Shooting as Need for More Guns in US.

 

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

After a Chinese woman took the gold medal in rifle shooting at yesterday’s Olympic games in Tokyo, the NRA seized upon this to warn Americans that the Chinese were becoming better marksmen than Americans. “Just think of the horror as millions of Chinese invade our shores and can outshoot us “, said NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre. “We need more guns – Not Less! Instead of trying to get more vaccinations into people’s arms, we need to get more guns into people’s hands and train them how to shoot before those Chinese Commies come over and outgun us!”

Trump Considering Dr. Christian Emmanuel Sanon as VP running mate in 2024

 

Satirical News Service
Mar a Lago, FL

Donald Trump let it leak that he is seriously considering Dr. Christian Emmanuel Sanon for his running mate in 2024.  In case you missed it Dr. Sanon is under investigation and likely indictment in Haiti for plotting to kill the President there. He is however a dual US and Hattian citizen and resident of Florida and a strong Trump supporter. He is also black and the name Christensen bodes well with Trump's evangelicals. Trump said “He knows how to get things done. Unlike that  weak putz Pence, when Samon didn’t like the election outcome in Haiti, he knew what to do.”

Officials Recommend Demolition of the Remaining Parts of the Republican Party

 

Satirical News Service 

Washington, D.C. 

 

Six months after the partial collapse of Republican party, officials have determined that the remaining Trump Wing of the party demonstrates very poor stability and must be demolished for safety reasons.  

 

Officials had warned of these problems for years, but they continued to ignore them. In the last inspection crumbling moral standards, and lax enforcement of ethical and legal codes were risking a disastrous collapse of the entire structure. Even when this happened many refused to accept that it had actually collapsed, especially those in the remaining standing structure often called the “Trump Wing”. Experts have said that this is at risk of collapsing any minute. One expert told reporters,“Lies are appearing throughout the foundation, and erosion of any moral standing has been going on for a long time because of poor decisions by the owners." 

Despite this, many of the residents there refused to leave saying that the safety assessment is all fake and all the structure needs is some minor maintenance. 

California Governor Gavin Newsom to Send Privately Funded National Guardsmen to South Dakota

 

Lawless Motorcycle gangs descend on South Dakota

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Following South Dakota governor Kristi Noem’s announcement of her plan to send “privately funded” National Guardsmen to the Texas-Mexico border to “enforce immigration laws” there, California Governor Gavin Newsome announced plans to send National Guardsmen from his state to South Dakota to manage hoards of motorcycle gangs. In his statement, he said,

“It is a huge crisis in that state. Raucous and lawless motorcycle gangs are ignoring drinking, traffic, and weapons laws  throughout  that state and the governor is doing nothing about it – in fact encouraging them to come for rallies there. I will therefore be sending about 50 National Guard troops that will be directly under my command to enforce the laws there. Taxpayers need  not worry about the cost, as rich Hollywood producers have agreed to fully fund this operation in exchange for movie rights to the ensuing melee."

Republicans Come Out In Favor Of Restricting People with Pre-Existing Conditions from Voting

 

Satirical News Service
Washington, D.C.

With pressure mounting on Republicans to try to reach some compromise on HR1, the Voting Rights Bill, House Minority leader Mitch McConnell came out today saying he’d support a bill for voting rights as long as it contained a provision that would prevent people with "pre-existing conditions" from voting in general elections. In his statement, he said that “the founding fathers did not want sick and mentally impaired people voting for our leaders. We owe it to them to honor that sentiment.”

While he was not specific about what conditions those might be he indicated that it would be up to individual states to decide. He also indicated that these did not even have to be chronic medical conditions, but could be something as simple as “excess melatonin in their skin pigmentation”.

Newly Discovered DaVinci Drawing of Satellite Proves Election Conspiracy Theory

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 A newly discovered drawing by Leonardo DaVinci of a Satellite similar to the one that theorists say altered the electoral votes for Trump in the last election conclusively proves this theory. It shows that as early as the 14^th century Italians were planning on meddling with the results of the last election. Cryptologiists using known codes that DaVinci used have uncovered the phrase “Trumpa he’s a no good. Thisa gonna fixa his reelection”.

Trump University Now Offering Degrees in Medical Related Fields

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 Trump University has just announced that it will be offering degrees in health-related fields. First to be included are Infectious Diseases, Pharmacology, Eugenics, and Epidemiology.
In their announcement, the 45^th President emphasized, “….that fake science establishment has long dominated medicine and prevented perfectly good “alt-medicine” education from being taught. With the awesome power of Trump's broad reach and genius in every scientific field, we here at Trump University can bridge that gap and offer a degree in “alt-medicine”,  that is not dictated by liberals or Critical Race Theory”.  With your Trump-based education, we guarantee you’ll go far having Trump’s already enormous popular base to draw your clients from who will believe anything you tell them as long as Trump says it’s true. Tuition starts at $10,500.

Jeff Bezos to Convert Space Capsule into a Homeless Shelter

 

Satirical News Service

Washington, D. C..

In a display of magnanimity multi-Billionaire Jeff Bezos announced plans to convert his Blue Dragon space Capsule into a shelter for the homeless after he completes his up-coming space flight later this year. In his statement he said “I just want to show the world that I’m not the prick people think I am. Besides, the asshole who buys the third seat is basically paying for the thing already. What else can I do with a used space Capsule.”. 

Chinese -Amish Alliance Poised To Threaten Entire Us Economy*

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

SNS has recently obtained a top-secret report indicating a growing secret alliance between the Amish community and China. While the Chinese have dominated the High tech Industry for over a decade now thanks to weak liberal trade and copyright policies, the Chinese have found themselves behind in the Low-Tech sector. The report indicates that Chinese officials have a plan to totally dominate this sector, but lack the know-how. In order to overcome this, they have formed an unlikely alliance with US Amish Communities. They plan to steal all their low-tech ideas and produce these items in their own “slave-run” factories.

The report goes on to state “In the coming decade the growing radical liberal climate change worriers will outlaw all drilling and mining of fossil fuels and leave most American motorist totally without means of transportation – except for the Amish who have perfected the low tech means. The Chinese hope to start a crash program to mass-produce these vehicles that can be powered by a variety of animals and humans." The Chinse have also surmised that those same liberals will ban meat and dairy products which would then produce a huge surplus of animals that could be used to harness these vehicles. They could also be run by human power which the Chinese are now testing using unruly dissidents to powers the vehicles.

In exchange for their cooperation, the Amish will be getting some of the latest Chinese Solar-powered space lasers that they can use to offset the effects of climate change. Top secret photos have surfaced revealing such devices being readied to launch at undisclosed Amish farms.

Both MTG (Majorie Taylor Greene) and Josh Hawley have demanded Congressional investigations into these very credible reports.

*This report is a total fabrication meant to be Satirical In nature

China Scores Major Milestone in Space Delivering the First Takeout Chinese Order to Mars

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

The Chinese Space Agency today announced that it has scored a major milestone in its fledging  Space program by delivering the first ever take-out order of Chinese food to the Perseverance Spacecraft that had earlier landed there. The specifics of the order were not announced but our sources report it consisted of a family sized order of Kung Pao chicken. Egg Rolls, and Fried Rice. The cost of this order plus delivery came to just under 7 billion US dollars (minus the tip). It is uncertain exactly who placed the order or how it got placed, but Russian Hackers are suspected.

How Melinda Gates told Bill That She Wanted a Divorce

 

 

Several State Legislatures are planning “Prove Your Gender” Bills

 

Satirical News Service
Atlanta, Georgia

Several state legislatures including Georgia, Florida, and  Texas are proposing “Prove Your Gender Bills” that would mandate that anyone wanting to use a public restroom in their state would have to both produce a drivers’ license and submit to “visual inspection” to ensure that that person is actually of the sex that is on their driver’s license. Anyone attempting to enter with altered genitalia will be arrested. As one State Senator from Florida stated “This is a very serious problem we have in this state. People who have either altered their genitals or simply profess to be something other than their birth sex are attempting to use public restrooms to do 'God knows what all'. It’s simply not enough to take their word for it – we need visual verification to ensure that innocent people are not harmed.  Guns will still be permitted without restrictions in any public restroom.”

CDC Concerned About A Growing Number of Cases of “Social Distancing Long Haulers”

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Scientists at CDC have become aware of a growing number of what they termed “Social distancing Long Haulers”. As more people have become vaccinated and restrictions on gatherings and venues are being lifted, there appears to be a number of people who have gone even further in limiting any contact with other people. They have coined the phrase “Social Distancing Long Haulers” to describe a cluster of symptoms ranging from agoraphobia to extreme hermitism. While they cannot put an exact number, it has caught the attention of the CDC. We tried to reach one of these “long haulers”, and after months of unsuccessful attempts, we were finally able to get someone to respond. The individual we spoke to refused to divulge her name but said she was perfectly fine and did not want anyone to bother her. She said she used to be a very egregious person who loved to go to parties and social events and was active on social media and community clubs. When the pandemic hit and everyone was forced into lockdown she reluctantly went along with the recommendations and stayed home with her spouse. They used to phone their kids (now grown) every week and frequently went to see them. Soon those phone calls dropped off completely, then social media and even emails. After a while, even contact with her spouse dropped off till she said she was content not having to be bothered by anyone. She would hole up in her closet with a book and stay there for days – ordering meals from Uber Eats and online grocery delivery to be left on her doorstep. When concerned neighbors who had not seen her for months called the police, they were able to establish that she was OK, but just didn’t care to see anyone. She went on to say since no one was doing anything but surfing social media and watching re-runs on Hulu and Netflix, she found she had nothing to talk about. Soon, any attempts to communicate just dropped off to zero. She said she stopped answering her phone when every other caller was a robocall to tell her that her car warranty was about to expire. She said she no longer misses human interaction now and is content to stay inside like a hermit.

The CDC plans to study this, but it has become difficult finding people to respond to their requests to interview them.

Brian Kemp Announces He Found Those 11,800 Missing Ballots for Trump

 

Satirical News Service
Atlanta, GA

As Joe Biden approaches 100 days in office, Georgia’s Governor today made a surprise announcement that “He has found those 11.800 missing ballots for Trump in the last election”. In his press conference, he stated, “I was cleaning out my garage and behind the paint cans, well, there they were, just as Donald Trump predicted. I don’t know why I put them there, but here they are.”

In a statement to the press, Trump said that Biden should immediately resign as well as all of his cabinet appointees, and all his legislation be voided immediately. He is prepared to assume the presidency immediately, but plans to stay at Mar-a-Lago until the White House can be vacated, and Trump can get in a few more rounds of golf.

Border Patrol Picks Up “Abandoned Boy” at US-Texas Border

 

Satirical News Service
El Paso, TX

US Border Patrol agents today came across this tearful boy who was wandering along a deserted stretch of desert road at the US Texas Border. The boy was dragging a suitcase and was completely lost. He claimed that his party had abandoned him and was trying to get somewhere safe. He claims he left Cancun many days ago fleeing from the squalid conditions at his 5-star resort to seek asylum in the USA with the  Right Wing News media. The Party he had been with abandoned him leaving him to manage completely on his own.

Geogia's New Major League Baseball Game Requirements

Satirical News Service
Atlanta, GA

In response to MLB taking the All-Star game out of Atlanta as well as the MLB draft, Georgia legislators are issuing new restrictions on people wanting to attend professional baseball games in that state. Tickets will only be sold on the day of the game or one day before. Fans will be required to produce 2 forms of valid ID before tickets can be purçhased. No tickets will be sold online and out-of-state residence must show a valid reason for purchasing tickets remotely. In a statement, Governor Kemp said these measures were needed to prevent what he termed "rampant ticket fraud in ticket sales to MLB games" - an unproven allegation. Finally, no drinks or water may be consumed at any MLB game anyone caught giving a beverage to someone attending a game or waiting to purchase a ticket to a game will be arrested. 

Georgia Officially Adopts Confederate Currency as Legal Tender

Satirical News Service
Atlanta. GA

The Georgia State Legislature today officially adopted Confederate Currency as official legal tender in that state. While US federal currency will continue to be accepted in most cases, all taxes and state fees must be paid in the new Confederate currency. This includes the new mandatory official state ID and Drivers Licenses that will be required to prove voter eligibility. Banks will begin exchanges for the new currency beginning in July and some ATMs will begin allowing withdrawals in this new currency. The law requires that all businesses operating in the State will be required to accept it. The design of the new currency is currently underway and will feature Nathan Bedford Forrest on the $20 bill, and other Confederate generals on other denominations. The only exception will be the $100 bill that will feature the portrait of Donald J Trump.

President Biden Signs Executive Order Restoring Genitals to Mr./Mrs. Potato Head

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 In a landmark bid to recognize LBTQ rights, President Biden today signed an executive order that mandate that both sets of genitals be included in every Potato Head sold. Unlike the Republican version that would completely strip away genitals, this bill means that children can decide which genitals they prefer to give their Potato Head toy, and later switch them if they want.  Both male and female potato head genitals (shown here) will now be included in the package. Republicans plan to launch a vigorous campaign against this and will make it a central theme in their effort to take back Congress and The White House in coming elections,

Early Neanderthal Cave Drawings Suggest Why they Died Out

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

A newly discovery in a cave in the south the France show cave drawing of early Neanderthals that suggest reasons why they might have died out. From the drawing it appears that a great shaman named MAGA urged his tribe to attack other tribes who wore masks which caused  the release of a deadly virus which led to many of them to dying off from disease. 

Another drawing seems to show how they lured woolly mammoths over cliff by jumping off themselves. From the depictions it is obvious how this type of Neanderthal thinking led to their demise.

Notes from a COVID Vaccine Sommelier

 

As more and more vaccines come onto the market, people are having a hard time deciding which vaccine to get. Until now a vaccine was simply a vaccine – your basic vaccine ordinaire. Now you have many many choices. My job as a vaccine sommelier is to educate people on the subtleties’ of fine vaccines and help them make the right choices.

For example suppose you are planning to take a cruise to the Caribbean. You don’t want to trust this to just any old vaccine, but one that mates well with your particular Caribbean Cruises. It also matters which islands you plan on going to and whether this will be a very small sailing yacht cruise or on one of those megaships.

For the former ,say a small sailing yacht with about 20 close friends, I’d recommend a 2020 Astra Zennaca two shot vaccine. This has a CDC 4 “COVID” rating which makes it an excellent choice. Its efficacy is 80 percent. It’s injections are easy  and relatively painless with only minimal side effects lasting no more than12 hours. Since the stopovers will be limited to exclusive islands and you will be staying on the yacht, there should be no need for additional boosters.

Now for the later, say one of the big 6000 passenger megaliner ships, I would not recommend anything less than the two shot Pfzier vaccine. This has gotten a 5 COVID rating by even the most discriminating CDC officials. I must warn you though that it must be chilled to the proper temperature before serving, and it tends not to travel well. Therefore I would not recommend buying it long in advance of administering it.

Now let’s say you are planning a multicounty 21 day vacation by air, bus and rail. In that case I’d go with a 2021 2 shot Moderna  late release vaccine. While the 2021 J&J might suffice, it only got a 3 COVID rating from the CDC vs. a 4 for the Moderna. The Moderna has a very smooth entry with only a slight sting. and a mild achy finish lasting for a day or more. It stands up well to a number of mutant variations including the Danish, Brazilian, and South African varieties.

Many people have asked me “should I take the vaccine immediately, or will it continue to age well in the refrigerator?” That is still too soon to answer for many of the vaccines since there have not yet been sufficient vintages to determine how well they might age under ideal conditions. The Pfizer vaccine should definitely not be stored for more than 24 hours, but there have been reports that the Oxford vaccine from Europe has the potential for a long staying power that will only improve with age. Early batches of this have already been snatched up by connoisseurs in hope they will just increase in value in time.

Before I leave I want to say that the J&J (Johnson & Johnson) should be considered  as a wise pick for most local uses. The 2021 is an excellent vintage. It is well balanced and aged in stainless steel vats 30 days before being decanted into vials. While some ignorant critics have “dissed “it for supposedly being derived from “aborted fetuses”, this is perhaps the most stupid argument I’ve ever heard for ignoring such a noble label. While only receiving 3 COVIDs from the CDC, it has stood up will to most variants and only requires a single does. While it is unlikely to improve with age, it does not need to be stored at cellar temperature, so it makes the perfect gift to bring to gatherings in this post pandemic world.

The Holy Land Experience To Purchase Golden Trump Statue

Satirical News Service 

Orlando, FL 

The Christian-based theme park in Orlando, Florida has announced plans to purchase the “Golden Trump” statue that was featured this week at the CPAC convention. The current director announced the acquisition today emphasizing how pleased the evangelical base of his party will be with this. When asked how it will be displayed the director said they were considering showing Trump chasing out the money changers from the Temple.

Tough Confirmation Fight Looms in Senate for “First Cat”

 

Socks -First Openly Feline Nominee since Clinton

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

With the announcement yesterday that the Bidens intend on appointing “Socks” to the post of “First Cat” in the White House, it is expected to have a tough confirmation hearing in the Senate. This would be the first openly feline pet in the white house since the Clinton administration and both Blue-Dog Democrats and Red-Meat Republicans are expected to make this a tough confirmation. The opposition is expected to raise issues such as inappropriateness of appearing and especially meowing in the background during Zoom calls, bringing mice birds, and other trophy’s into the oval office and taking over the President’s office chair when the President is not sitting in it. Proponents cite the relaxing benefits of lap-time purring and cuddling – a role that dogs simply cannot fill. They also cite the fact that the secret service will not be burdened with taking several walks a day to permit the dogs to “do their duty”. They will however have to clean out the litter box on a regular basis.

Ted Cruz Denies Reports of Freezing Temperatures in Texas

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 In a statement to the Press today, Ted Cruz blasted what he called the “Fake Weather Media” for setting people off in a panic over fake low temperatures. He insisted that the lowest it got in any part of Texas was about 49 degrees. It never got into the 20’s and teens as some weather forecasters are saying. “We need to get on with our lives and not be festered by these fake reports of ice and cold and admonishments to keep off the road. This is the same type of tyranny that led people to wear masks and not go to churches because of this so-called Pandemic. Next they will be saying that this fake weather is due to Global Warming. You won’t see me wearing a coat today."

Forget The Alamo!

 

Generalissimo T. Cruz at the Insurrection of the Alamo

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

A new document has surfaced apparently written by a Generalissimo T. Cruz following the fall of the Alamo. Here is the transcript

Senores,

The tragic incident at the Alamo has been thoroughly investigated thoroughly by our great Presidente and Generalissimo Antonio López de Santa Anna and finds that it was the work of AntiTejanistos that instigated the riot that led to the tragic deaths of those in the Alamo. We must remember that there were good people on both sides. Evidence is clear that the AntiTejanistos planned this well in advance, and the Mexican Army was only there to protect those innocent Texans that were barricaded in the Alamo and not the other way around. Those AntiTejanistos are just trying to conduct a witch hunt against our Presidente. We must now move on from these events and forget about the Alamo. Viva Mexico!

P.T. Beauregard’s Defense for Firing on Fort Sumter

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 A rare document has surfaced recently containing the transcript of a military tribunal held after the Southern Arm's surrender at Appomattox to determine if Confederate General P.T. Beauregard was liable in issuing the order to fire upon Fort Sumter. This act is credited for starting the American Civil War in 1861.

Beauregard’s defense was that he did not give an actual order to “Fire!” since he was not a serving member of the United States Army, but only acting as a member of a paramilitary group that was standing up for their Second Amendment rights. When he told his supporters who were gathered at the battery in Charleston Harbor that April morning in 1861, to “give em shot and shell”, he meant that only figuratively, meaning “stand up for your Second Amendment Rights to bear arms” and not literally. Although he used the phrase  “Fire boys”, numerous times, he was only uttering a cheer of encouragement to his fellow militiamen. The fact that they were standing in front of loaded cannons pointed at Fort Sumter and took his statement literally is no fault of his. Besides, the real perpetrators were Union sympathizers who actually wanted a Civil war to bring down those States that supported States Rights.

The findings of the tribunal were never revealed as then President Johnson threw out all charges and convictions against Southern Generals who fought against the Union.

Huge mob descends on Gobbler's Knob chanting “Stop the Steal”

 

Satirical News Service
Gobbler’s Knob, PA

What has for more than 100 years have been the peaceful celebration of Ground Hog Day at Gobbler’s Knob in Western Pennsylvania today erupted into a violent protest by mobs of people who refuse to believe that Punxsutawney Phil actually saw his shadow today. “It was clearly an illegal attempt to steal our winter”, said one of the protesters, “We are hell-bent on doing everything we can to stop this travesty. We’ll even shoot every one of those damned groundhogs who venture out of their dens and attempt to take away our constitutional protected winter days. I say Stop the Steal!””

After state and local police and intervened, the riot was finally quelled leaving a very shaken Punxsutawney Phil quivering in his den-like-cage, too afraid to come out for anything!

Trump to issue “stock” in his MAGA super PAC (satire)

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 In a new twist to Trump’s populist saga, he says he is intending to issue “shares” in his MAGA super PAC that people can buy and sell just like ordinary shares of stock and will increase in value once he is reelected. Although he does not specify exactly how it will benefit them, it certainly implies favors. But since it skirts just inside of the line of outright promising anything it still falls within the legality.

 Noting the recent meteoric rise of stocks like GameStop and AMC, he hopes that very small day traders will drive up the shares to create a bubble of wealth to give the impression that Trump once again is back to his fantastic “Art of the Deal” that made him a “Billionaire”. Meanwhile, his super PAC will continue to rake in funds with very little hope of any return on their investment. But this is Trump’s true “genius”.