New Emails Reveal a Different Story About Alleged Hacking of SONY

Satirical News Service
Hollywood, CA

A new group of Hackers reported to call themselves the Truth Squad have recently released what they claim are genuine emails from SONY executives that cast a new light on the recent affair with the movie The Interview, and the purported email hacking and threats by North Korea Cyber Terrorists.

To: Michael Lynton CEO SONY studios
From: SONY Advertising Media consultants
Date: 11/15/2014

Mike-

                We’ve got a big problem here. We’ve shown a pre-release of The Interview to several focus groups now and it ranks at the very bottom. Here are some of the comments –

“Complete Dog Poop”

“You’ve got to be kidding me!”

This film is slated for a big Xmas Holiday release and we stand to lose millions. Let’s try to see if the editing team can work a little more violence, nudity, gore, and crassness into it so at least maybe we can go for the 13-17 year old demographics.  We’d lose the PG rating , but hell, those kids always find a way to get in to the R rated movies.

To: Michael Lynton CEO SONY studios
From: SONY Advertising Media consultants
Date: 11/20/2014

Mike –

                We just shown  the re-edited movie to a bunch of demographic groups. Bad news! It tested at the very bottom. Even the 14 year olds thought it stunk. Unless we come up with a better plan, we could eat it in the shorts come Xmas time.

To: Michael Lynton CEO SONY studios
From: SONY Advertising Media consultants
Date: 11/23/2014

Mike –

            This may seem a bit  farfetched but it just might work! One of our techies says he knows of a group of hackers who once did some contract work for North Korea. He proposed we contact them and “arrange” for them to hack into our private emails.  They’re all just a bunch of Hollywood gossip and sniping anyways that everyone on the inside knows about already. The tabloids and “E” would eat it up – especially if we can time it in a slow news cycle. With any luck we might get some traction out of it.

To: Michael Lynton CEO SONY studios
From: SONY Advertising Media consultants
Date: 12/5/2014

Mike –

                Wow! It seems the plan worked even better than we could have hoped for. All the news channels are eating it up, and even the FBI has come out with a statement saying it was North Koreans retaliating for embarrassing their leader. I’ve told our “friends” to keep it going, but your guys are going to have to get on the band wagon and start sending some more “revealing and scandalous” emails ASAP. I suggest we go after some big names like Angelina Jolie and Adam Sandler. They always seem to get a lot of press.

To: Michael Lynton CEO SONY studios
From: SONY Advertising Media consultants
Date: 12/15/2014

Mike –

                WE HIT THE JACKPOT! Even Obama has jumped in condemning the hacking! Better yet, a few movie theaters have pulled the movie saying they are worried about another “Aurora Colorado Movie Theater” incident. The pre-release publicity is off the charts! I suggest SONY comes out and says that they are going to pull the release of the movie to protect the public from North Korean Terrorists. That should have every liberal and conservative demanding that we DO release this turd of a movie just to show the North Koreans that they can’t push us around.

To: Michael Lynton CEO SONY studios
From: SONY Advertising Media consultants
Date: 12/23/2014

Mike –

I can’t believe our luck! There are groups of protestors literally demanding we release the movie! Even Obama has condemned us for “giving into terrorism”. We are on a roll for Xmas day!!!!!

To: Michael Lynton CEO SONY studios
From: SONY Advertising Media consultants
Date: 12/26/2014

Mike –

I can’t believe our luck. Theaters are selling out tickets to this movie, and long lines are forking just to watch this piece of shit.

To: Michael Lynton CEO SONY studios
From: His Excellency And Infallible Leader Of The Free Democratic Peoples’ Republic Of North Korea, Kim Jong Un
Date: 12/26/2014

Dear Lackey of the Imperialist  Capitalist Movie Cartel,

                We have watched this ridiculous movie several times (we got a pirated copy from pirate bay).  We are amazed that Americans would actually pay to watch this piece of shit.  His Excellency however really did like his portrayal in the movie although he says they got the hair all wrong. His Excellency would like to propose to you to do a sequel which he has generously permitted you to film right here in the Democratic Peoples’ Republic of North Korea. He would also like to personally meet the two lead actors, James Franco and Seth Rogan, at his residency here in Pyongyang.

                

SONY’s Controversial Success of The Interview has Movie, TV, and Broadway Producers Taking Notice

Satirical News Service
Hollywood, CA

In what has become a very bizarre series of events, SONY pictures has turned  The Interview, which should have been this year’s biggest flop, into a box office hit. Now other movie, TV, and even Broadway producers are taking notice.

Both MGM and Paramount studios are planning on “buddy movies”. One features Kim Jong Un and Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejadt doing a remake of the Hope/Crosby “ Road to .. (fill in the blank)” movies. Angela Jolie is expected to play to the Dorthy Lamour character.

Paramount plans to pair Kim with ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi in a comedy along the lines of The Hangover.

TV studios are also jumping on the band wagon with Who’s The Greatest Dictator Imitator which features contestants doing look alike and act alike impersonations of dictators past and present, and pit them doing stupid competitions ala “Survivor”. Along those same lines FOX studios is planning on doing a new Survivor series called “Survivor North Korea”. Of course the film will have to be shot in South Korea, but will feature groups of contestants pretending to infiltrate North Korea and assassinate Kim Jong Un (played by a look alike).

Not to be outdone, Broadway is planning a revival of “The Producers” featuring (you guessed it) Kim Jong Un, with hit songs like “Springtime with Kim in Old Pyongyang”.

The Periodic Table of Vitamins

The Nobel Prize in Chemistry next year is most likely going to go to Professor Irving Snodgrass for his discovery of the Periodic Table of Vitamins. Here is the transcript from his speech last year at the International Academy of Health Supplements.

Have you ever wondered why there is a Vitamin A,B,C,D,E, but no F. In fact the next vitamin letter is all the way up to K. And where are the rest of the letters?  This got me wondering, “Suppose vitamins were like the elements that had missing gaps in them simply because they haven’t been discovered?”  So I spent the next decade tirelessly looking for those missing vitamins that I just knew had to be out there.  The quest for these missing vitamins took me to China, India, and South American Jungles. Finally in 1998 I found my first “missing vitamin” – Vitamin G. Once I found this, I knew I was on the right track and it was only a matter of time before I  found Vitamin F,H, and J.

To find Vitamin L, M, N, O and P, I had to go to the deepest parts of the oceans and bring up rare worm-like anemones that lived at the base of underwater volcanoes. The following decade I spent in pursuit of Vitamin Q, R, S and T. This took me to Nepal and into the Hindu Kusch searching for mystics who had uncovered rare herbs that held the secret. There I was able to find Vitamins Q, S, and T, but Vitamin R  still remains yet to be discovered. 

The next discoveries were the Transmutation Vitamins. They were man made creations by meticulously combining very high dosages of Vitamins C, A, D and Q and T under tremendous pressures in a centrifuge to create Vitamins  U,V, and W. We are hoping to fill out the last of our discoveries at the Cern Nuclear accelerator by colliding Vitamins S, T, G and H at very high velocities. The residues produced here could yield these new vitamins. 

Most elusive of all will be Vitamins X,Y, and Z. NASA is planning to search for these on the next Comet Lander mission sometime in the coming decade. At these distances we won’t know if we've found them for months even years after the data is samples are even collected.

Now I am sure you are asking yourselves, “Why all the fuss?  How do we know how these will affect your health, or why your body needs them?”  Well the answer to this question is simple – “Because they’re Vitamins, stupid!” Do we question whether vitamin water is healthy, or why we need to take fistfuls of the known ones daily? Of course not! We simply know that all vitamins are healthy for us. What we didn't know before my discoveries was that there were far more vitamins out there than we ever realized, and now through my discoveries we can become healthier than we ever thought possible.

Newly Commissioned Portrait of Kim Jong Un

Satirical News Service
WWashington DC

North Korean sources today released pictures of a newly commissioned portrait of their supreme leader Kim Jong Un.

Invent Your Own Science Facts Laboratory Kit for Xmas

Hey Kids! This year’s hottest Christmas gift is the Pseudo-Science Invent Your Own Science Facts Laboratory Kit ®.  With this fun kit you can devise carefully thought out experiments, and then let you make up your own scientifically sounding facts and conclusions to go with them – just like real pseudo-scientists do.

Wanna  prove the Earth is only 5000 years old, Climate Change is bogus, eating Kale cures cancer, or genetically modified foods make you gay? Simply plug in those conclusions and the facts you’d like to hear, and presto-chango, the Invent Your Own Science Fact Kit Wizard will generate convincing sounding “facts” that prove whatever you want it to. Then it will send out millions of Twitter feeds around the world with those facts and conclusions. The more feeds it twitters, the more truth to those facts and conclusions.

So ask Santa this year for the Pseudo Science Invent Your Science Facts Laboratory Kit ®. Before long you’ll be appearing on FOX news, CNN and  even Congressional Committees just like real pseudo-scientists, all because of the stuff you learned playing with your Invent your Own Science Fact Laboratory Kit.

Scientists Reveal That Some Foods Are Actually Grown in Dirt!

Unsafe Food Shown on Left grown in actual dirt compared to safe food on right manufactured under sterile conditions.

Satirical News Service
Washington D.C.

A recent scientific report commissioned by the Monsanto Corporation revealed for the first time that some foods are actually grown in Dirt! I’m sure you can remember your mother telling you to wash your hands after playing outside because they got dirt on them, or “Don’t eat food you dropped on the ground because it has dirt on it”. Well low and behold what we discovered is that some types of food are actually grown in the stuff! Can you imagine all the bacteria and viruses not to mention all those organic chemicals that are in dirt. You mother was quite right in warning you to stay well away from that stuff. Now we find that some farmers are actually growing food in it. Luckily there are still many foods that are manufactured in clean rooms in nearly sterile antiseptic conditions, and contain useful chemicals that will keep all that nasty bacteria from entering your system.  While some nay-sayers will dismiss this report and say “dirt is healthy”, or “It takes a lot of dirt to kill you”, just remember the admonishment your mother gave you when you were a baby “Stop eating that dirt!”

Texas Man Claims Right to refuse Quarantine for Ebola on Second Amendment Grounds

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

A Texas man proclaiming himself to be the “Angel of Death” has tested positive for the Ebola virus. He is refusing to be quarantined on the basis that it violates his Second Amendment Right to bear arms. He claims that a biological weapon is just like any other weapon and he has the Constitutional Right to carry arms (or in his case be one). "I can’t infect anyone", he claims, "unless I intentionally do so. Until that time I am just like any other citizen carrying a concealed weapon, which is allowed under the constitution and the State of Texas".

In a strange twist of allegiances, the NRA has sided with the man. In a statement given to the press, they said, “If we don’t uphold this mans’ right to carry biological weapons, the next thing you know the Government is going to take away your handguns. “

Recent Antares Rocket Explosion Caused by Gluten

Satirical News Service
Cape Canaveral, FL

The spectacular explosion of the rocket on its launch pad last earlier this week has been traced to food it was carrying to the Space Station. According to rocket scientists, the explosion was due to an excess of gluten in the food it was carrying. Exactly how this caused the rocket to explode, the experts could not exactly say. But given that gluten seems to be the cause of everything else these days, they felt that this is the most likely explanation.

Republicans In House Vow to Investigate Link Between Bengazi And The Ebola Epidemic

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

The Republican-controlled U.S. House voted Thursday along party lines to establish a select committee to immediately begin investigating to see if there is a link between the mishandling of Bengazi and the recent Ebola epidemic. Rep. Trey Gowdy  today responded saying “While there is not a shred of evidence to suggest any such link, we promise to leave no stone unturned. This whole Ebola scare is taking away from our real focus of investigating Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama’s role in Bengazi. Now at least we can kill two birds (so to speak) with one stone. This after all, is what the American people expect us to do.” 

Frontier Airlines Annouces New Tail Fin Critter

Satirical News Service
Denver, CO

Frontier Airlines today showed off the latest of it's cute tail fin critters today called E-Bella. It is replacing the cute little dolphin that is now in a quarantine hangar facility in Denver.

Governor Perry Demands US put up a Fence Between Texas and Africa

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

After Texas became the first state to report a patient infected with Ebola, Governor Rick Perry immediately went on national TV to demand that the US erect a fence between Texas and Africa to keep out the virus. In an exclusive interview with SNS he stated that the problem with Ebola is just like to one Texas faces with illegal immigrants from Mexico.

“The Ebola virus see’s opportunities here that are aren't available in its own native countries in Africa, so naturally it wants to come over here. When Texas finally acted and put up a fence at the border between Mexico and USA, we cut down illegal immigration to a fraction of what it was before. I don’t see why the same approach won’t work here with Ebola.”

CDC Board’s Plane After Man Admits To Having Carried Gluten Aboard

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Terrified passengers were confronted with officials from the CDC in Hazmat suits boarding their airliner and escorting off a man who had admitted that he had recently eaten gluten, and then had taken it aboard the airplane. According to the man in question, he had purchased a sandwich from Subway that afternoon and had eaten half of it. He then took the remainder aboard to supplement the normally safe gluten free snacks. He said he was unaware of how dangerous it was. Officials are unsure if they are going to press charges, but hope this serves as a wake up call to better screen passengers for gluten aboard airplanes.

Airlines to Begin Offering “Ebola Free” Seating

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In a never ending effort to suck every last dollar from airline passengers, several airlines have begun to offer an “Ebola Free” seating class. At prices starting at $1000 above the cost of first class seats, the airlines will furnish you with a complete hazmat suit and a seat with extra leg and back room to accommodate it. While it has yet to be proved that Ebola poses a real threat, many airlines say they are only responding to passengers’ needs.  They claim that in addition to preventing contact with Ebola, it also prevents contact with other contagious diseases prevalent on airplanes such as colds and flu. They are also giving double frequent flier miles with this class of seating.

White House Reveals ISIS Plot to Put Gluten in America’s Food Supply

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Today sources close to the White House revealed that the primary reason for President Obama’s decision to step up air and missile attacks on ISIS, was that the CIA had uncovered evidence that ISIS was planning to launch an attack by placing gluten in America’s food supply.

According to recent polls, the only thing that Americans fear more than Ebola is glutens in their food. When it was uncovered that ISIS was planning to surreptitiously put glutens in all of our foods, the President felt he had no choice but to act.

In an interview with SNS,  Air Force Chief Of Staff, General  Jack Ripper stated,

“It’s incredibly obvious, introduce a foreign substance into the food supply without the knowledge of the individual, and certainly without their choice, to sap and impurify (sic) all of their natural bodily fluids. That’s the way your hard core ISIS extremist  works!”

iSpend Will Be The Latest Unique Feature In The iPhone6

Satirical News Service
Cupertino, CA

Omitted in the hugely attended Apple Inc. presentation of the iPhone6, that revealed revolutionary new features such as iPay ,was another new app called iSpend.  iSpend features  Siri, first featured in previous iPhones, who  gradually learns your spending habits and actually goes out on its own and spends your money. 

Here is the transcript from a recent Beta test.

John: WTF! Siri, I just got my credit card bill and it was over $8000

Siri: I see from your browsing that you like to look at clothes and vacation destinations so I went online and ordered you the entire line from LL Bean, and booked you on a 28 day cruise to Mexico. I also saw that you recently browsed Victoria secret WEB site so I ordered  you several intimate panties from their new fall line. I hope you are happy about this.

John: No Siri, I can’t afford all this stuff!

Siri: Of course you can, I simply paid for it all with iPay, it can’t be any easier.

John:  OMG it’ll be years before I can earn enough money to pay down this bill.

Siri: No John, it will only be one year. Then Apple will announce the new iPhone7 which will contain the app iWork, so you can relax while your phone does your work for you.

Apple Announces iCoo-Coo-Clock watch

Satirical News Service
Cupertino, CA

At long last the most anticipated product from the Apple product line was announced today in Cupertino. The iCoo-Coo-Clock Watch.  The iCoo-Coo-Clock watch will put users directly in touch with social media by displaying a revolving icon of the person who has left them a Facebook message or email. It will also be uniquely auditory by chiming the classic “coocoo” sound (now patented by Apple) to announce when a message is received. The design features a stylish wrist band with a wooden  watch sized clock attached. It does not use any batteries that could harm the environment, but instead is powered by two counter weights that suspend from the wrist band. An apple spokesperson spoke teary eyed to the press saying “I’m sure the Steve is looking down at this achievement with great pride, wherever he is”.

Users are already lined up at Apple stores even though the product will not become available for several months.

Airlines Will Now Charge you to Recline or Prevent Seat Reclining

Satirical News Service
New York, New York

After two airliners within the space of a month have had to be diverted due to fights breaking out over reclining seats, some airlines see this as another chance to further gouge their customers in flight.

In a trial test on a long flight, the passenger is charged $20 for the first 3 inches to recline their seat and then $15 per each additional inch to the maximum allowable limit of 10. They must swipe their credit card to “unlock” it. If the person in back of that seats does not want the seat in front of them to reline, they can swipe their credit card and be charged $25 to block it. Then it gets really interesting. If the first person wants to override that block, an ebay like auction window opens up on the in-seat viewers, and a bidding war begins. Whoever bids the highest, gets to control the seat. Airlines figure this could be a gold mine, and might actually mitigate the thousands of dollars lost when they have to divert flights due to altercations breaking out in flight. 

New Version of Statue Of Liberty To Be Erected On Texas Border

Satirical News Service
Laredo, Texas

The Tea Party is now raising money the erect a new version of the iconic Statue of Liberty, to be erected on the US Mexico border. It is expected to be over 300 feet high so that people on the other side of the border fence can see it for miles. As a Tea Party Spokesperson stated “It’s high time we erect a statue that reflects the new view of immigration into the United States.” The inscription on its base will read “Go  the  F*** Home!”

Miss Manners Answers on the Subject of Pot

As more states legalize pot and it becomes mainstream, an entirely new etiquette will have to found. SO expect to see the following advice column coming to your local hometown newspaper.....

Dear Miss Manners

What is the proper etiquette for passing a pipe among friends, and is it proper for the spouse of a friend to light my husband’s pipe or is that implying something 

suggestive?

MM: In small circles the pipe is always passed to the left, unless there are only three of you; in which case any-which-way goes. As for your friend’s spouse, I would have her keep her “flame” for her own husband. It is certainly not proper for anyone but their own spouse to light their husband’s pipe – in every way.

When meeting my father-in-law for the first time, is it a good idea to offer for him to get high with you? I want to leave a good impression on him.

MM: You will have to weigh that with whether you want your first impressions of each other to be as raving idiots in search of midnight munchies. You might make a good impression on him, but leave the wrong one with your future wife. I’d wait on that.

We've been invited to a BYOP party. We have no idea how much to bring. Are we supposed to know how to roll a joint? How much pot do you put into a joint? Also does everyone smoke just their own, or do you pool it all together? Is so is it OK to take home left overs?

MM: Generally everyone is left to their own devices on this. If you are brand new to pot, it is OK not to bring any and share with people there. You can also politely say you don’t know how to roll a joint and get help. Usually people will bring anywhere from ¼ oz to ½ oz. depending on the quality and cost. It’s a lot like BYOB. Some people bring Johnny Walker Black while others bring WILD IRISH ROSE. 

As a rule you do not pool all your pot together. To begin with, people take great pride in their score and want to show off their special stash. You are usually expected to fill the bowl from your own stash (or pass your own joint) when your turn comes. It is impolite to “boggart” or hog a joint or pipe that is passed to you. Since you are not pooling your pot, it is OK to take home whatever is left from what you brought, and OK to take home any extra special brownies if it OK with the host.

We are planning a party and would like to invite our minister. Is it OK to offer him a “hit on the bong”? Are they allowed to do that?

MM: My very first high, when I was a freshman in college, was with our campus minister – so for the most part it is allowed by their ordinances or denominations, but whether they will or not is another matter. If they frequently preach against “the sins of alcohol and the flesh”, I would say, probably not. If they preach about the Coming of the Age of Aquarius, I think you’ll find him or her very receptive.

My husband wants to build shelves in our living room to show off his collection of bongs. I think it’s tacky. Now he wants to display all these decorative medicinal bottles of all the different kinds of weed he has. Do you think it’s tacky?

MM: My dear girl, whether it is showing off cars, beer bottles, or stuffed fish Men must have their trophies. Perhaps you can limit him to one particular wall in an out of the way place to put his stuff. 

Supreme Court Strikes Down 1964 Voting rights Act

Fifty years after its' ground breaking passage, the Supreme Court has struck down the 1964 Voting Rights Act. In the majority opinion written by John Scallia, the court stated that Black poeple are not corporations, and therefore by definition, not people, making them ineligible to vote.

S&M New Startup Airline

Satirical News Service
NY, NY

After a recent study released this year showed that some passengers actually enjoy the hell that airlines like Spirit put them through to get to their destinations, a new startup airlines will be launched this year to cater to just that segment. Promising the worst airline hell you can imagine, this airline is going out of its way to make your entire flying experience miserable  Starting with the booking process, available only online, once the consumer chooses a flight, typically at an unbelievably attractive fare, and proceeds to book it, the WEB page will display an error message just before they can complete the entire process saying that due to a computer glitch, the transaction did not go through. When the consumer attempts to redo the process the fare now has jumped 200%. Other torments include changing short duration non stop flights arbitrarily into multi-stop hells lasting 18 hours or more and changing gates less than one hour before the flight usually to a remote part of the terminal forcing passengers to scramble to gates across the airport frequently involving going through TSA screenings again. Once they board the flight they will typically find only 3 empty overhead bins and cabin attendants extorting $100 or more per bag to check it or leave it behind once they are filled. On board the passengers will find that the seats will not recline and the cushions are all worn causing them to sink into them in awkward stress positions.  Additional cushions can be purchased however for $250 each. The temperature setting on the airflow vents are intentionally set to either freezing or hot depending on which would cause the most discomfort. Although food and beverages are served on these flights passengers much pay in cash with exact change – usually some odd figure like $13.47. No other form of payment is accepted. If the passenger is able to get a meal, they will find it is either frozen in the middle or has gone rancid. No refunds are given. There is only one lavatory on board and only one person at a time may vie for it when it becomes unoccupied.

S&M feels that this could be a new trend in niche airlines catering to a specific airline consumer who wants the airlines to “bring it on”. 

Nigerian School Girls SOLD into Slavery!

Satirical News Service
Legos, Nigeria

In a frightening new development in the Nigerian School girls kidnapping story, Satirical News Service has learned that Abubakar Shekau, the leader of Boko Haram has apparently sold the young girls to one of the most notorious and lawless person on the face of the planet. They were taken by force to his remote and lawless enclave that identifies itself as part of no country. Shown here, in a photo taken by someone close to the new Master, The leader of this group known only to his followers as “Clive” addressed his newly acquired harem .

“Let me tell you something about the Negro…….”

Texas, Florida, and Oklahoma Legislatures Adopt “Death by Obamacare” as Method of Capital Punishment.

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Following the botched execution by lethal injection of an inmate in Oklahoma this week, three state legislatures have passed bills changing the method of execution to “Death by Obamacare”. Much like Thomas Edison’s push for the electric chair in the 1890’s as a way to show people the inherent dangers of AC current, this method of execution is designed to demonstrate to people how lethal Obamacare can be. Although details of this method are intentionally vague, sources report that it involves a three step process. First the condemned person is forced to appear before a five person “Death Panel”. Next the condemned is placed on a gurney in front of a computer terminal where they are then logged in to Healthcare.gov. Then a team of government appointed doctors mandate certain procedures and test be carried out.

 “While some people in the legislature felt that this represents cruel and unusual punishment, we feel that it suits the purpose of acting as a deterrent to crime and also letting people know just how lethal Obamacare is, by intentionally killing someone with it.”

Fox News Reports Their Own Satellite Images May be Wreckage of Malaysia Airlines Flight 370

Satirical News Service
New York, New York

Sources at FOX news today revealed enhanced photos taken from their own satellite which contradict those released today by  the Australian GeoResonancece satellite, and claim that these definitively identify the wreckage of the Malaysian jetliner on the ocean floor. According to a spokesperson from FOX, these photos place the wreckage not in the Indian Ocean, as initially stated, but instead in the Pacific Ocean somewhere close to Los Angeles. The shape definitely shows the fuzzy outline of the body and wings of the jetliner.  Investigators are closely examining these photos to determine if they may indeed be the lost jetliner.

GEORGIA unveils new License Plate Design

Deep Ocean Search for Flight MH370 uncovers huge pile of un-matched socks

Satirical News ServiceSydney, Australia

The search for missing Malaysia Airlines Flight MH370 under the Indian Ocean, now deemed to be the most expensive in aviation history, has failed to uncover any signs of the plane or black box. It has however uncovered a strange find. Scattered over several miles of the ocean floor appear to be millions of single un-matched socks. Authorities are completely mystified as to where they came from and how they got to such a remote place.

South Carolina Extends Gun Rights To The Unborn

Satirical News Service
Charleston, South Carolina

After passing a new Stand Your Ground Law to include protecting fetuses, South Carolina legislators have proposed a new law to extend gun ownership rights to the unborn. In a press statement one state legislator said “We call it the Stand Your Womb Law. We feel that the laws to protect the rights of the unborn just don’t work. It’s time that we give fetuses the right to defend themselves! “

Under this law a parent of a minor, boyfriend, or spouse of the mother could compel a doctor to surgically implant a small handgun into the uterus of the pregnant mother.” Should any Obamacare doctor or Planned parenthood witch try to come after this fetus, they are going to get a load of lead!”

The NRA is solidly behind this since it extends second Amendment rights to the unborn. It has also united anti-abortion groups and pro-gun groups who now claim that abortion is just another attempt to take away our guns. Maternity T-shirts are already appearing with the slogan “If they want to take away my gun, they’ll have to pry it out of my unformed hands!”

Enjoy the Timeless Pleasure of Collecting Members of Congress.

Thanks to this exclusive offer from  MCCUTCHEON and the US Supreme Court you too can now enjoy the timeless beauty of owning your own member of Congress in your personal collection.

Each one of these handpicked Congressmen displays the exquisite detail only obtained with years of fine craftsmanship and lobbying. At Mccutcheon, we’ve preselected these select Congressman and women for you to enjoy and manipulate over and over again.

After your initial payment of only 3.8 million, we’ll send you your first junior congressman – yours to manipulate as ever you please. Then every month or so we’ll continue to send you select Congressmen from the US House of Representative all the way up to ranking members of the US Senate.  Imagine the hours of pleasure you’ll have making them do your beck-and-call - repealing  Obamacare, minimum wage, banking regulations, and more.

You’ll be in the company of life long collectors like William Randolph Hearst, Sheldon Aldelstein and others who for years have enjoyed this timeless hobby. And remember these can only increase in value as does your power over them. So don’t wait because this limited offer will not be around forever.

New evidence shows that Pilot of Missing Malaysia Flight Avid Fan of "Lost"

In a stunning revelation authorities have uncovered that the pilot of Malaysia Flight 370 was an avid view of the TV show LOST. Speculation now runs high that he may have been searching for that missing island when he went "missing".

Fluoridation of Water Blamed for Poor Performance of US Skaters in SOCHI Olympics

Satirical News Service
Sochi, Russia

The USA, which normally dominates skating events in the Winter Olympics, has performed unexpectedly poorly. With millions of dollars in revenue riding on these events, it is no small matter.

According the USA team skating coach Jack Ripper (retired USAF)  the problem stems from the Russian’s use of Fluoride in the water to make the ice for the skating and Hockey events. “It’s incredibly obvious”, quoted Ripper, “Introduce a foreign substance into the water without the knowledge of the individual athlete, and certainly without a choice, to sap and impurify (sic) all of their natural bodily fluids. That’s the way your hard core Russkie works!”

The IOC is looking into these allegations. 

Florida Legislature Acts Quickly to Regulate Playing of Loud Music

Satirical News Service
Tallahassee, FL

Following the verdict in the Michael Dunn Case after the tragic “stand your ground” shooting of a Florida teenager in a parking lot, Florida legislatures acted quickly to prevent this from happening again.  The Republican House Speaker was quoted as saying “There is no reason that people should possess large numbers of downloaded music files and have the unrestricted right to play them openly in public at high volumes threatening the lives of Florida citizens.” He  went on the propose a 10 day waiting period before being able to download more than 4 songs a day, background checks on any person owning an ipod or MP3 player, and a law mandating that all MP3 and ipod devices be equipped with volume regulator devices to prevent them from playing at more than 6 decibels. "While these measures may seem overly restrictive to some Americans, we feel it is the only way we can protect our gun loving citizens who might feel threatened by this, and force them to have to stand their ground using deadly force."  

Hundreds of Flights Delayed out of New Jersey After Super Bowl- Christie Declares “Weather Emergency”.

Satirical News Service
Rutherford, New Jersey

Airlines today cancelled hundreds of flights, most of them originating out of New Jersey, following the conclusion of the Super Bowl preventing many travelers from returning home from that fair state. Governor Christie declared a “weather emergency” despite balmy 40 degree temperatures. Aides to the governor were seen placing cones on runways preventing planes from taking off or landing.  According tone  aide who would not be identified, Governor Christie was said to have muttered “Bad mouth me  and you’ll see what you get!” It is still uncertain when normal flight operations will resume.

More Controversy for DUCK DYNASTY Producer

The producer of the Show Duck Dynasty found himself in controversy again after A&E cancelled his upcoming show “American Nazi Youth” after it became known that they widely held anti-Semitic and anti-black sentiments. In a statement to the press, the producer said he was shocked and dismayed that they held these views. “We thought it was just a good clean show about boys doing sort of a boy- scout thing – you know -  marching around in uniforms, showing off with flags and guns – doing a lot of a fitness activities.  When they talked about racial purity, I always assumed it was about being clean and morally upstanding. I know they liked a lot of German things, so I figured it might appeal to that demographic. They also seemed to like a lot of WWII stuff so we figured that might also play into capturing that demographic audience as well. We had no idea at all that they were all racist and anti-Semitic .”