A Rally in King Herod’s Time

A new scroll has just turned up that speaks about a rally held by King Herod to his loyal followers shortly before the crucifixion of Jesus.

It’s so great to be here in Judea among my loyal followers. Some people, and I won’t say who say that I should be impeached and Jesus should be made King of the Jews. What do you think of that idea?!” (Boos from crowd). Right! He’ll want all of you to start walking around the desert barefoot while he supposedly “talks to GOD”.  My followers know that his teaching will lead to ruin. Our allies in Rome are the best way for us to keep our flowing economy going. Already animal sacrifices are way up, and the money changers are having their best year ever. Do you want all that to change? ("No’s" from the crowd). And how about his idea of giving loaves and fishes to the poor – do you think he can magically make them appear? No, he’s going to raise your taxes for it!  (Boo's from the crowd). Taxes on you the middle class. My administration has done more than any other King in history. Look at our great big beautiful temple. We’re going to build an even Yuger one – with an even BIGGER WALL to pray at! My donors love that. They say “Herod Can we build that Wall?” What do I say back to them? “ (Crowd chants “Build that wall! Build that wall!). Right! How about that lie he tells people about being “born of virgin birth”. Like, right, Mary was soooo pure….!” Common, we all know what she really was! (crowd chants something unrepeatable). Right!  And how about those followers of his – What a bunch of total losers! Simon is an idiot, Peter can’t make a living even catching fish, and then there is the whore Mary Magdalene….anybody wonder where Jesus gets his income from? And don’t forget about that weirdo John who goes around plunging people’s heads under water saying “They’re purified"! (audience boos). Right! The only way to get purified is through animal sacrifice.  And what about Health care? He says he can cure people just by touching them. Jesus’s healthcare plan is a disaster – we all know that, right? He claims he can even bring people back from the dead…..(audience yells No!). My healthcare plan will be the greatest healthcare plan anyone has ever seen. It will be YUGE!

(A heckler from the audience) “What about all those babies you killed 30 years ago in Bethlehem?”

I’m glad you asked about that. Those people were all there illegally! They were incense dealers and prostitutes who came into Judea illegally to bear children. My soldiers simply did their duty to uphold the law of the land. Get over it! .

In my next term as King, I’m  going to give a huge tax break to the money changers and animal sellers at the temple so they can help Make Judea Great Again . In case you haven’t noticed my loyal base of followers all wearing yarmulkes with MJGA on them. If Jesus thinks he can Impeach me, he’s going to have to walk on water to do it!

Trump Signs Executive Order Moving the Nation’s Capital to Florida

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Donald Trump today signed an executive order that would move the national seat of government to Florida – specifically to Mar a Lago. “Everyone in Washington hates me!” quoted Trump. “They are all out to get me! At least in Florida, I’ll be safe with my base there.”

The plan calls for Trump’s Mar a Lago resort to be bought from the Trump Organization at a fixed bid price set by Jared Kushner who controls the Trump holdings there.  “I plan to build a new White House there – one with a lot more gold fixtures and large mirrors – and of course the Presidential toilet will be made completely of solid gold. The capitol will initially house only the Senate until the Democrats are kicked out of the House. Also, the Supreme Court will have only 5 seats for only the conservative judges. The others will have to stand. I plan on having large avenues to hold military parades with a grand viewing stand.”

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell has already come out in support of it stating, “It will save the taxpayers millions of dollars since Trump won’t have to travel as far to play golf.”

G7 Gets Last Laugh- Puts Trump at Kiddie Table

Satirical News Service
London, England

After finally deciding they've had enough abuse from Trump and his petulant rants, the G7 got the last laugh when they placed Trump at his own Kiddie table with plastic plates and utensils. Furious, he threw his food at the other G7members, and then stormed out. The G7 leaders told him "Don't let the door hit you on the way out", and "Don't look for us at camp David anytime soon."

Osama Bin Laden’s Family Asks For Exoneration And Reparations For 9-11 “Witch Hunt”.

Osama Bin Laden's surviving family members

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In a bizarre turnabout, the family of Osama Bin Laden and the families of the 11 hijackers  of 9-11 are now asking for the US to completely exonerate them and that the families of the victims pay THEM reparations.

“We never had the opportunity to confront the actual witnesses on the planes that were allegedly hijacked. No one from those planes ever actually testified that our relatives were the ones that did it. It’s all based on hearsay planted by Deep-State Republicans in America who wanted to frame decent people from the Middle-East so they could steal their oil. Let them produce one eyewitness! The reports that they took over the plane are all wrong! They were the ones who were trying to prevent those pilots from United Airlines who were hired by the CIA to fly those planes into the World Trade Center and Pentagon in the first place. I say again- Produce one single eye-witness who was there! Instead, they launch a witch hunt aimed at smearing Osama – who wasn’t even there, and denied he had any part in it. Then they accuse a few people from Saudi Arabia who were on those planes. It’s a witch-hunt all based on hearsay and a smear campaign. “

The families want the victims of 9-11 to pay them, 10 billion dollars in reparations.

Guy Fawkes Was Innocent – He NEVER lit the fuse

Satirical News Service
London, England

A new group has formed who want Guy Fawkes posthumously and Guy Fawkes  Day celebrations eliminated. Taking a page from the Republican’s defense of Donald Trump in the recent Impeachment hearings, they stated,

“The whole thing was a witch hunt. It was just a plot by Parliament to frame the Catholics. In fact, Guy Fawkes, even though he was caught with a torch in the basement of parliament, HE NEVER LIT THE FUSE! His confession was got under torture when he was only trying to point out corruption in the houses of Parliament – something we do all the time."

ReJector Set - This Season's Hottest New Toy

Say Republicans! This Holiday set your boy on a path to a  wonderful life in politics with Gilbrets latest hit toy, ReJector Set. 

With this toy, your boy can construct his own world of Alternative Facts that completely defy truth and logic. He can build Alt-Facts so realistic that congressmen, lawyers, and even presidents will swallow them completely. As time goes on he can add even more “yarns” to the set to build even bigger and wilder Alternative Facts.

Before long your boy will be running as a Republican for Congress, the Senate, even the Presidency all because of his ReJector Set.

*Not responsible for any future charges of perjury, obstruction of justice, bribery or other high crimes and misdemeanors resulting from this toy. Choking hazard exists from swallowing any parts of this toy.

Thanksgiving-Gate – New Quid Pro Quo Revelations

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 New revelations have just emerged about a new quid pro quo deal between President Trump and “Bread-and-Butter”, this year’s pardoned turkey. In a complaint filed by a whistle-blower, it is alleged that Trump only agreed to pardon “Bread-and_Butter” in exchange for the turkey issuing a blanket pardon for Trump’s impeachment charges, and also investigate the Bidens. The whistle-blower is identified only as something of the feathered variety that spent his entire life in a barnyard and had first-hand knowledge of the arrangement. 

Congress is expected to take up the matter right after the Thanksgiving holiday if “Bread-and-Butter” can still be found. Republicans are already demanding “the head of the whistle-blower”, literally.

Obama Very Upset That Trump Extorted Ukraine To Investigate the Bidens Instead Of Him

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Former President Barack Obama expressed his extreme disappointment that Trump wanted to extort the President of Ukraine to investigate the Bidens instead of him. In an exclusive interview with SNS, he said,

“The Bidens? The Bidens! REALLY. If anyone should be extorted to be investigated it should be about ME. I worked darn hard to fake my US birth certificate,  and what about all those nude photos of Trump I released to hackers, and of course there is that Steele Dossier that I created. The Bidens (distainfully)! They didn’t do SHIT. The best they were going to get on Hunter was the fact that they paid him a ridiculous salary to sleep till 11:00 am and play golf all the time. We already know that the Republicans think that’s perfectly fine. They got nothing there. ME….. well, maybe he can extort the Norwegians next time “

Whistle Blower Might Appear at Impeachment Trial as “Santa Claus”

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In anticipation that Impeachment charges go forward and the case goes before the Senate for trial, Republicans are expecting to call forth “The Whistle Blower” to testify. In a shrewd effort  to both protect his identity, credibility and protect him from attacks by the Right, the whistle blower’s lawyers have proposed dressing him head-to-toe as Santa Claus. According to his lawyer,

“No one in their right mind is going to attack Santa Claus – especially during the Christmas Holidays. Anyone who has seen  Miracle on 34^th Street knows how that plays out. He could simply say 'his elves were the ones who told him that Trump was being a bad boy' without having to name specific names. Everyone already knows that Santa and his elves are always watching our every move, and they know when we’ve been naughty and when we’ve  been nice.”

NFL Referee Called to Testify at Impeachment Hearings - "He's a Whistle-blower"

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

A very surprised and well-known referee for the NFL was called to testify before the Congressional Impeachment Committee. Under oath, he testified that "he did on many occasions blow his whistle when he saw rules being violated". He also testified that "he was not present during the notorious telephone call between Trump and Zelensky, and he had no idea why he was there." Adam Schiff then replied, "we have literally met the Republican's demand to produce the Whistleblower to provide testimony to the Impeachment Committee. Case Closed"

FOX TV to Air “The Real Counter Impeachment Hearings” Reality TV Show

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

With the Impeachment hearings becoming more and more devastating to the President, FOX TV is immediately airing a New “Counter Impeachment Hearings Reality TV Show”. This time actors will portray witnesses who will be carefully scripted to say contradictory statements that betray their partisanship. The Grand Inquisitor will be Donald Trump Himself who will “tear-them-a-new-one”.  An actor will portray Adam Schiff as a Bumbling idiot spouting vindictive lies and transparent falsehoods against the President.

According to TV executives at FOX, they expect to capture all of the FOX News audience who will prefer these fake ones instead of the real ones.

President Trump Holds Important Meeting with Turkey

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 To demonstrate that he was totally unaffected by the Impeachment hearings on Capitol Hill today, President Trump help a press conference with a Turkey. It was supposed to be a press conference with the President of Turkey, but he left early to watch the televised Impeachment hearings. Among the important issues raised today was Turkey’s outrage over the annual genocide of Turkeys in November.

Trump supported the Turkey’s claim that it was a lie that the Pilgrims ate Turkey which they shared with the native Indians. In his statement, Trump said, “Many people have told me that the Pilgrims never even heard of Turkey or that the Indians shared their food. In fact, the Indians were very bad people – many of them were drug addicts, rapists, and murderers. But the Pilgrims reached out to them and invited to a wonderful dinner of Handergers. I am therefore signing an executive order making handergers the national dish for Thanksgiving, and to give thanks for my being totally exonerated by the Senate in these sham Impeachment proceedings."

Republicans Inadvertently Names the White House Leaf Blower Instead of Whistle blower

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

Amid a rising chorus from Republican lawmakers who are parroting Trump's demand to release the name of the Whistle-blower, aides from the Office of Nunez accidentally gave out the name of the White House Leaf Blower. The gentleman, whose face is not shown here, suddenly found himself under death threats, and his car smeared with feces by unknown parties. The man, who is a naturalized US citizen suddenly found himself confronted by ICE agents who told him "he was going to be deported immediately" until lawyers for the company he worked for intervened to set the record straight.
The man and his terrified family immediately went into the witness protection program even though they have nothing to do with any events in the White House. " I only blow away the leaves that fall on the lawn", cried the helpless man.

Trump Declares Washington DC a Sanctuary City for Impeachment

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Donald Trump today signed an Executive Presidential  Order making Washington DC a “sanctuary” city for Impeachment. “It would make it illegal for anyone to be impeached within this city. It would also make it illegal to investigate anyone for Impeachment or answer any subpoenas to testify about impeachment. If they want to impeach someone, they’ll have to find someone outside of Washington DC.”

If The Glove Fits - You Must Acquit

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

With Trump's defenses for his Ukraine call crumbling daily as new witnesses verify that he did, in fact, threaten a "quid-pro-quo" deal with Ukraine, he is now trying a new defense. Based on misquoting the famous line used by Jonnie Cochran during the OJ Simpson trial, "If the glove doesn't fit, you must acquit", Trump is claiming that a huge puffy hand found at the scene of his infamous "perfect phone call" perfectly fits his "yuge" hand. He tweeted out "As my friend Jonnie said long ago 'If the glove fits, you must acquit!'"

The Charges of the Right Brigade

OK - It's a little forced, but it stays with the meter and the message. With profound apologies to Alfred Lord Tennyson, I present the modern-day version of - The Charge of the Light Brigade

Half a lie, Mostly lies, Completely lies onward

All in the Party of Trump, sat more than 200

“Forward the Right Brigade!”

“Charge Adam Schiff!” Trump said

All in the Volley of lies, rode the 200.

“Charges for the Whistle-Blower”, he said

Was anyone even dismayed?

Did anyone even care why?

Mitch says “Theirs but to do or Die!”

Into the volley of lies

Stood the Right Brigade

Charges from the Left

Counter Charges from the Right

McConnell in Front of them

Volleyed and Thundered

Into charges of Misdeeds Laid

Right into the lap of Trump

But firm stood the Right Brigade

Giuliani to the Right of Them

Pelosi to the Left of them

Donald in Front of them

Blasted and Thundered

Obstructions and Testimony laid bare

“Not truth” they’d  in unison yell

Told Lies till the final bell

All of the Right Brigade

Denied all the truths laid bare

Denied as they breathed in the air

Senators and Congressman 

Charged  “it’s the Democrats that lied” while 

All the nation wondered

Cast lots of mirrors and Smoke!

Not ounce of truth they spoke!

FOX News and CNN

Blasted each other’s gall

And then they all voted

“No” said the Right Brigade.

Oh, when can their mockery fade?

Oh what a shambles of our Constitution they made

“Oh the wild charges!” they brayed

While all the world wondered.

Honor the verdict they made?

Honor the Right Brigade?

Surely not to the Right Brigade.

Quid Pro Quo – The New Normal at the Trump Grill

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

With Trump and his Republican allies rigorously defending his “Quid-Pro-Quo” with Ukraine, the Trump Organization has decided to go all out to show just how normal and wide-spread quid-pro-quo is. To push the point, The Trump Grill is implementing a quid-pro-quo policy (though not publically admitting it). It goes something like this.

Customer: Waiter, we have very important guests here that need to be on a plane this evening to return back to their country. Can you please talk to the kitchen staff to make sure they get our orders out promptly.

Waiter: Very good sir!

1 hour later……

Customer (hailing his waiter):  Waiter, we’ve been waiting here for over an hour, and no one has brought us our food. My customers need to be on a plane later and they’ll miss their flight if it isn’t here soon!

Rudy Giuliani (comes to the table):  I hope you are enjoying your service here tonight. You know Mr. Trump goes out of his way to provide the best service.

Customer (angrily): I’ve told the waiter twice that it is critical that we get our meals soon since my clients have a flight to catch this evening. It’s been more than one and a half hours and we are still waiting!

Rudy: Well there is a little problem. Our kitchen staff doesn’t like the fact that the wait staff often takes their tips. So they are asking you to do them a little favor and leave them a tip “up-front” so-to-speak, just so that they are assured of getting their rightly share. Say, about 25%. Oh, and there will also be the usual 25% percent service charge tacked onto the bill as well.

Customer: That’s EXTORTION!

Rudy: Not in the LEAST! It quid-pro-quo, and there is nothing wrong with it at all. It’s done all the time in restaurants all over the world – especially in the countries that your clients come from. By doing this we are sending a message to their country to stop this practice. Please leave cash on the table – no credit cards are accepted for this extra transaction. Your food will then be out shortly. Enjoy your meal!

Trump Plans Revenge on Nationals for Boo’ing

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

After a withering catcall of boo’s for Trump from the large crowd at Nationals Stadium for the 5^th game of the World Series, Trump is making it clear to them that he will have his revenge.  On Tuesday, he signed an executive eminent-domain order for National Security reasons to seize the National’s stadium to create a new detention center for undocumented workers. Next ICE agents raided the homes of several players on the Nationals team for “irregularities” on their VISA’s or citizenship papers and detained them. Then he called  Jim Crane, owner of the Houston Astros with an explicit “favor request” to find dirt on the Nationals owner Mark Lerner, stating “It would be a real shame if their star pitcher José Urquidy got deported for “irregularities with his VISA “ Later Trump responded to reporters by saying “We’ll see who is Boo Hooing Now!”

National Gallery of Art to Feature Show of Donald Trump’s Artwork

Piece titled - "Die You Miserable Traitor" by Donald Trump

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Upon learning that George W Bush recently had a one-man show of his portraits of wounded warriors that he had painted, Donald Trump insisted that the National Gallery of Art dedicates a one-man show of his own artwork. He stated, 

“I’m a much better artist than Bush. My art reflects all the great themes and values that my Base loves me for”. 

The National Gallery of Art has yet no dates assigned for the showing and refused to comment further. Here some other works featured

Piece titled "Die, Die, You Miserable B***h" by Donald Trump

Piece titled "Me and My BFF" by Donald Trump

South Korea on Frantic Drive to Create Oil Drilling Fields

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

After witnessing what happened to the Kurds last week and recent troop deployments to Saudi Arabia, South Korea’s president Moon Jae-in has begun a crash program to develop oil fields throughout South Korea. In his statement, he said, “It doesn’t matter if they actually produce oil or not, as long as we have them. It seems having oil fields to protect is the only way to get US troops to honor their commitments to stay and defend a country.”

Trump Claims He is the Victim of a Phony Presidency

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

With his Republican allies deserting him daily as new evidence emerges and facing new charges of violating the emoluments clause, Trump railed today that he is the victim of a phony Presidency.

“Me President – Hell no! I just filled in for Mike Pence. He is the one behind all those scandals. He was the one who made the Ukraine call and then made me take the blame for it. He was the one who demanded that I choose the Trump Doral for the G7. I was happy to just play golf all the time while he did all the dirty work. Now that the S**T has hit the fan, he wants me to take the blame for it. Of course, I hardly knew the man – after all, who can trust a man who calls his wife mommy. I am just an upstanding, amazingly successful businessman in the hospitality business who got caught up in this phony Presidential thing. You should be impeaching him – not me.”

Trump Signs Executive Order Banning Sales Of All Turkeys Just Before Thanksgiving

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

President Trump today, under the mistaken belief that Turkeys are imported from Turkey, has signed an Executive Order today that bans the sale of all Turkeys. This comes at a particularly bad time for Turkey farmers in the USA who depend on these sales to get them through the year. In his statement Trump said,

“This will send a message to Turkey that we can easily cripple them economically if they go against our policies. I also plan on banning Turkey stuffing, and will personally execute, rather than pardon this year’s Presidential turkey.”

Gambino Mob Head plans to Run against Trump in 2020

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Domenico Cefalu, the current head of the Gambino mob is planning to run against Trump for President as a Republican in the 2020 election. In his released statement to the press via his consiglieri he said.

“Dis Trump asshole don’t know shit about running a mob.  If the Republicans want ta mob leader, dey should  choose one with a lot more experience d’n dis guy. You wouldn’t have Nancy Pelosis or dat Schiff guy investigating no’ting.  Dey’d be feeden da fishes in the Potomac. And anybody gets out line – budda-bing-budda-bang.”

Using Zoltar to Hide the Whistleblowers Identity

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Given the extreme need to shield the Whistleblower’s identity, Congress has come up with a unique solution. An Arcade Zoltar will be rolled into the committee’s chamber which will be linked to the actual whistleblower who will be at an undisclosed location but connected via TV and audio signals. When a committee member asks “Zoltar” a question, the animatronic Zoltar will respond with the appropriate mouth, head, and hand movements, as well as glowing eyes to indicate the emotional tone of the answer.

Donald Trump is considering using the Wizard device used in The Wizard of Oz if HE is asked to testify before Congress or any of its committees.

Trump Demands To Know The Identity Of The Person Who Made That Phone Call Pretending To Be Him

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

As revelations  about that phone call with the Ukrainian president becomes more and more damning, Trump lashed out demanding to find out the identity of who that person was who made that call. He now states that it wasn’t him at all, but someone pretending to be him,  despite numerous witnesses to the call. FOX News and Rudy Giuliani immediately jumped on that imposter bandwagon demanding that the FBI find that person before he can make any more damning calls.

Other Republicans also chimed in saying whoever made that call should be prosecuted for treason!

Trump Now Claims The Call To Zelensky Was Part Of A Comedy Act

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

With the drum beats toward impeachment growing daily, Donald Trump now revealed today that the call was really just an elaborated “comedy sketch”, that somehow didn’t go as planned. According to Trump, he and Zelensky had planned this out months before with Giuliani’s help.  Trump went on,

 “Since I knew that he was a comedian, and really missed doing comedy, I suggested we do a really funny phone call where I try to pressure you into doing something outrageous. He was the one who suggested Joe Biden, and I immediately loved it since he was already the butt of jokes all around Washington. I added that it might make it better if we threatened to stop his arms shipment. 

But then he kept flubbing his lines. For example, when I said ‘The US has been awful good to Ukraine’, he was supposed to say ‘How good?’. I was then supposed to come back with ‘How good would you like it?’. Get it – ‘How good would you like it?’ 

When he said ‘We worked a lot but I would like to confess to you that I had an opportunity to learn from you. We used quite a few of your skills and knowledge…’ He was supposed to  H add ‘that I learned from The Art of the Deal’

Then when I said ‘I just wanted to assure you once again that you have nobody but friends around us. I make sure that I surround myself with the best and most experienced people. I also wanted to tell you that we are friends.’ I was supposed to add in my mafia-imitation voice ‘You would not want to do anything that might jeopardize that friendship – now would you?’ I forgot to do that so the joke flopped.

Later when I said ‘Your economy is going to get better and better I predict. You have a lot of assets. It's a great country. I was supposed to add ‘it would be a terrible shame if something bad were to happen to it – especially if you didn’t get the arms we promised to protect you from Russia’. Some of that got left off in the transcript.

Then I said  ‘I have many Ukrainian friends, their incredible people, you know people that know how to deal with people who don’t do what I ask.’ The translators omitted this in their transcript.

He said in a very quivering voice,

‘I believe we can be very successful and cooperating with United States. We are buying American oil, arms and everything else that Mr. Gulianni suggested.  I am very hopeful for a future meeting. We will have more time and more opportunities to discuss these opportunities and get to know each other better. I would like to thank you very much and tell you how much I support you.’

Then I said,

‘Congratulations on a fantastic job you're doing. The whole world and especially I am watching very closely what you do’. Mr. Giuliani will stay in close touch with you on these matters we discussed.’  The translators got this wrong too.

We actually did the whole thing using our  ‘Mafia-Don’ and ‘quivering-shakedown-victim’ voices and it was really hysterical, but the transcript doesn’t tell you this.

The whole thing was really hysterical. I just hope American people are laughing at it as much as we are.

Life-Time Books Exclusive offer – The Collected Tweets of Donald Trump

Now through this exclusive offer from Lifetime books, you can own and treasure The Collected Tweets of Donald Trump.”  

You’ll relive those wonderful tweets like

And

And Who Could forget this

Each book is bound in top quality Russian leather and each page plate in 24 karat gold, just like Donald Trump’s personal toilet. The first volume is only $50. 

You can thumb through it and  scream your rancor at either the Democrats or The Fake News press just like he did in his tweets. Every month then, you’ll receive a new volume of even more of his beloved Tweets for $200 each plus shipping and handling.

Think of the pleasure you’ll take reading again how this man thought and acted when placed in the highest office of the land.

The Next Big Spin

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Unconfirmed reports have just been made public that five people ranging in age from 67 to 10 have been gunned down on 5^th Avenue within sight of Trump Towers. According to eyewitnesses, Trump was seen just prior to the shooting storming out of Trump Towers yelling “I’ll show them I keep my campaign promises”. When police arrived at the scene, Trump was found nearby holding what the police report claims was a “smoking gun”.  At least one eye witness said she’d seen Trump aim a pistol and shoot those people. The police reported that when they confronted Trump he claimed, “Nothing happened here – go back to your jobs of rounding up illegal immigrants and drug dealers.”

While the image of Trump holding a smoking pistol  and the statement about “keeping his campaign promises” appeared to be damning, Republican  leaders immediately put out statements defending Trump.

“ Trump was merely responding to reports on FOX news saying what a terrific job he was doing keeping his campaign promises, and wanted to tell people on the street how happy he was about it.”

“The reports of him holding a “smoking gun” are completely erroneous and just another tactic of the Fake News Media to discredit our president. In fact, he was merely holding a gun-shaped vaping device, and was trying to inform people of how dangerous those things are.”

“The so-called eye-witness is merely another deep state operative bent on discrediting our President.”

“Those people lying dead in the street were all known terrorists operating in the US with plans of a mass shooting. Trump found out and acted as the “good-guy-with-a-gun”, shooting them dead before they could harm others.”

“Those people all committed suicide just to discredit our President”

Attorney General Barr has indicated that this is not a matter for local police, and after seeing the report determined that there was no wrongdoing and no basis for further investigation.

Trump offers to serve as Interim “King of the Jews”

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

With both the Right Wing and Left Wing parties in Israel in a virtual deadlock to decide who will ultimately be able to lead Israel and be able to form a coalition government, Donald Trump chimed in tweeting,

“I would be more than happy to serve as King of the Jews until you sort things out. I have done such a wonderful job ruling in America, I am only too happy to do the same to Israel. You do have such a wonderful wall you know”.

Trump Prepared to Sign Surrender to Taliban till Bolton Informed Him “Those are the bad guys”.

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

It was revealed today that among the preparations being done for the now failed “Camp David Summit” with Taliban leaders was a document they had prepared to end the war that they promised would be guaranteed to get him noticed as a great world leader. It was to be televised live on 9/11 in a formal signing at Camp David with Trump announcing that “He was ending the Afghanistan War, where Obama and Bush had dismally failed."

Afgan president Ashraf Ghani had not been informed of this and was not to be included in the signing.  Only after Bolton had managed to obtain an advanced copy of it and translated it, did he realize that it was a formal surrender declaration by the United States to the Taliban and not by the Taliban, and that They were the bad guys. After Trump was informed of this, a furious Trump canceled the summit and fired Bolton.

Alabama Coastline Devastated by Hurricane Dorian – Just as Trump Predicted

Area of Devastation in Alabama exactly where Trump predicted it

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 In a move that caught weather experts by complete surprise, Hurricane Dorian made a U-turn in the middle of the night and raced down to Gulf Coast of Alabama to pummel it with gale-force winds and high tides before resuming its predicted course along the Eastern Seaboard. Luckily there was no loss of life because as one resident put it “We don’t listen to all those Liberal Weather people and fake news reporters. We know that Mr. Trump is much smarter than they are. When he said the hurricane was going to hit Alabama, we just packed up and got out. Our homes may have been destroyed, but at least we got out with our lives.”

Trump Tweeted today,

The Liberal Fake media made fun of my very accurate prediction of where the hurricane was going to hit in Alabama – but they aren’t laughing now! Thanks to my genius, my base was spared the loss of life in this cataclysmic event.

Efforts are underway to clean up from the devastation in Alabama left by Hurricane Dorian, but it will take some time before a more a concerted effort can get underway since all the heavy machinery and personnel needed by the Army Corp of Engineers to do this is all being used now in the Southwest to build Trump’s Border Wall.

Green-Away Introduces “The Impossible Salad”

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

You know the story. You’ve just finished three hours of Pickleball with your friends – you’re just craving for a juicy burger and fries. Then one your wife’s Vegan friends suggest going to the local salad bar for eats. Your dreams of that juicy burger fade away. The only thing like meat there are those “soy bacon bit salad toppings”. But now, thanks to the latest innovations in food science. Green-Away has come out with “The Impossible Salad®”. It looks like your typical green salad, and even crunches like it. But it is made entirely of meat and meat-byproducts and tastes amazingly like hamburger.

“We’ve taken real meat and refined it and colored it so that it looks like the ingredients of your typical garden salad, but contains no vegetable matter what-so-ever. I like to call it ‘the food for the rest of us’.”

Green-Away expects that their “Impossible Salad®” will soon be available at salad bars nationwide.

Trump Uses His Influence with God to Keep Hurricane Out of Florida

Satirical News Service
Washington DC  

Sources close to the White House today have confirmed that Hurricane Florida will not be allowed entry into the state of Florida specifically at Trump’s request to GOD. It is highly unusual for world leaders to make such requests to the Almighty, but Donald Trump feels equal to GOD, since according to him, he is "King of the Jews", despite not being one. Other religious leaders and world leaders have expressed dismay and outrage at such a request.  Trump is reported to have said, “Let the Hurricane come to states that went to Democrats since they are certainly deserving of HIS wrath!”

Trump Explains Why He Wanted To Buy Greenland – Because Of All The 'Bergs' That Lived There

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In an exclusive interview obtained by SNS with Donald Trump, he explained the reasons he was so adamant about purchasing Greenland.

“When evangelical Christians began calling me ‘the new King-of-the-Jews’, I thought, well, I need a Kingdom. Since Israel already had their King – Netanyahu, I need to find a new one. Then one of my aides told me that there we a lot of Icebergs in Greenland. Naturally, I assumed that they were all Jewish there – you know - Iceberg, Rosenberg, Hertzberg….what’s the difference. I wanted to be the King of the Northern Jews. Now that their terrible leader in Denmark has nixed that deal, I’ve set my sights on buying The Vatican from Italy. That way I could become King of the Catholics too. Do you happen to know if the The Vatican has an extradition treaty with the US?”