Long Lines of Republican Asylum Seekers at US Mexico border

 

Satirical News Service
El Paso, TX

Long lines of Republicans stretched for miles along the US-Mexico border in El Paso, Texas as they await the imminent release of the January 6th Commission recommendations for indictments this week.

“We know what’s coming”, said one asylum seeker.  "Anyone remotely involved with Trump is likely to be named in this report. Our only hope is to seek asylum in Mexico before they release it." The long lines of these Republicans mirror those of Latin Americans seeking to come into the US when the border reopens for asylum seekers. 

One former staffer who wishes to remain un-named remarked “This would have been a lot easier without that damned wall”.

Ron DeSantis Demands an End to Teaching "Woke" Germ Theory of Disease

 

Satirical News Service
Tallahassee, FL

After demanding a grand jury investigation into Faucci and the vaccine mandates, DeSantis doubled down demanding an end to the teaching of “germ theory” in public schools upon which modern medicine is based, and instead focusing on teaching “The imbalance of humours” as the cause of diseases.

In his announcement, DeSantis stated, “This is just one more example of pushing the “Woke view” of science. For many years the imbalance of the humours had been taught here in Florida as the primary cause of diseases. Dung poultices, leeches, tobacco, and swinging poisonous serpents overhead were widely accepted here to treat diseases. Now Democrats led by Faucci want us to believe that naturally spreading viruses and germs other than those artificially created in Chinese laboratories are the cause of diseases. They want to force people to take vaccines instead which everyone knows causes autism. We need to stop this, and I’ll  be the one to lead this effort!.”

Republicans wants More Restrictions on Stiletto Heels

 

Stiletto Heeled Shoes similar to the type that subdued an alleged firearms owner

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

A caucus of  Gun Rights Republicans led by Lauren Boebert and Josh Hawley is pushing for more extreme regulation of Stiletto  heeled shoes like the ones worn recently by a Drag Queen who used them to successfully subdue the gunman at the Gay night club in Colorado Springs this week.

“These things really have no real purpose in our society except to maim and potentially kill innocent (or at least unproven guilty) gun owners who are simply protecting their First Amendment Rights. While I can appreciate that some honest law abiding straight women may choose to wear them as a “fashion statement”, they are often the shoes of choice by certain “other groups” who may have a more nefarious purpose. We propose a thorough background check on anyone wishing to purchase these, and a 14-day waiting period. Owners of said footwear will be required to have a permit anytime they are worn out in public. We also propose outlawing  any shoes over a size 8 and thinner than 1 inch and longer than 2 inches.  The NRA has come out strongly in favor of such legislation.

Evangelicals Now Offering Indulgences – For a Price

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 A Group calling themselves  Evangelicals For a Christian Society has declared that they are bringing back a long-dormant practice begun by the 15th-century Catholic Church of offering people indulgences for sins they have committed.  At the time it was a way of keeping powerful men in power who might otherwise be condemned for the atrocious sins they committed. Once they “purchased” their indulgence, the church essentially erased their sin. In this new version, the same principles apply, but the price went up.

Depending on the sin and sinner, the cost may be anywhere from $250 to $3 million. For example, an ordinary person who may have had a one-time homosexual encounter might be able to purchase an indulgence for about $250. For a high-ranking person in a public office, the cost goes up to $10,000. If that is more than one such encounter or several long affairs, the cost could well be in the hundreds of thousands. For a President in is well into the millions of dollars.

Hershel Walker would be a prime example of someone who could purchase an indulgence for paying for abortions and fathering children he refuses to acknowledge and still remain in the good graces of Evangelical voters. The cost however would be in the millions.

Each indulgence would be an artfully decorated certificate that states the name of the sinner and the sin it indulgence. For an additional sum of money, the actual sin or sins would be left off the certificate, but still recorded in the master database. Each certificate bears a facsimile of what the actual signature of Jesus would have looked like – “Jesus Christ”.

There would still be some sins that you could not buy indulgences for. Women who actually have had or are thinking of getting an abortion could not get an indulgence. But men who pay for one or encourage women to get one could. Doctors who perform abortions could not get one either. Also, any transgender person or practicing homosexual could not receive one, but a pedophile of young girls could.

This is all meant to promote a true Evangelical Christian society that furthers our aims with less-than-perfect people.

IRS Sends Chartered Plane load of Agents to Florida to Help in Clean-up Effort

 

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

 As Florida starts to assess the mounting damage from hurricane Ian, it is evident that Florida will need significant help from THEMA, the Army Corp of Engineers, and probably many other federal agencies. Florida Republicans in the state have long viewed it as a “Tax Sanctuary State” with many multi-millionaires living there and paying almost no taxes. Many of those Republicans who railed at the burden “Blue states put on taxpayers” are even now refusing to vote state funds for the cleanup and rebuilding in other states and territories. In response, the IRS has chartered a plane to send 48 IRS agents to Tallahassee to aid in the “clean-up” effort and to make sure that all Floridians pay their fair share of taxes for all the Federal aid they’ll be receiving. They also want to make sure that they do not inflate the value of their losses to avoid taxes.

Red states always seem to complain about the Federal government giving away their tax dollars to Blue states when these so-called natural disasters occur there, but when disasters hit disproportionally in Red states they call on the Federal government to bear the brunt of the costs so that their state governors can spend their honed down state budgets on sending migrants to other states.

Trump Offered Best Seat for Viewing Coffins in Royal Crypt

 

Satirical News Service
London, UK

Following comments made by Former President Trump that “he would have gotten a better seat for the Queen’s funeral than Biden if he had been invited”, a spokesman for the King released a statement.

“We regret that we did not extend an invitation to Mr. Trump for the funeral. To make amends we would like to offer him our best seat for viewing the coffin of our late queen and royal consort. It is located within the royal crypt at St. George’s chapel. I would suggest Mr. Trump plan on a rather extended stay there since the crypt will be sealed for the next 80 or so years.”

There has been no reply from Donald Trump.

The Great State “Undesirable People” Swap

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

What started out as a not-so-cheap political ploy, governors around the country are relishing the idea of returning buses and planes that brought undocumented immigrants to their doorsteps filled with people they’d like to “get rid of too".  Washington D.C.’s mayor is processing hundreds of drug users who are filling up clinics and jails and plans to have them board the same buses that brought them border crossers from Texas. Gavin Newsome is hoping Texas or Arizona will send California some border crossers so he can get rid of some of the homeless people that have infested LA and San Francisco streets. Chicago Mayor is planning on sending gang members, and New Jersey has plans to send Drug Dealers.  “This is a terrific idea!” stated one unnamed governor, “by swapping their undesirables for ours, it’s a win! win! scenario. “

King of England Sends Boat Load of 102 “Pilgrims” to Massachusetts

 

Satirical News Service
London, England

 In a cynical move to demonstrate England’s frustration with so-called undocumented “Pilgrims”, the King loaded a boat called the Mayflower with 102 souls and sent them floating across the ocean to the new Colony of Massachusetts. “Let the Indians manage them, we have enough problems here in England to deal with without them being here”. 

Massachusetts Governor Sends People Convicted of Gun Violations to Florida

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In response to Governor Ron DeSantis’s bold move of packing up more than 50 so-called undocumented immigrants and flying them to Martha’s Vineyard, Governor Charlie Baker of Massachusetts returned the plane to Miami loaded with 50 people convicted of gun violations with a note “Thanks for the new arrivals, they appear a lot less dangerous than the ones I’m sending back to you. I'm sure they'll feel right at home in your state”

Trump Says Charles' Succession is a Fraud. Declares himself as lawful King of England

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 With The announcement of Queen Elizabeth’s death, in accordance with the Queen’s wishes, Price Charles is to become the new King of the British Empire. Immediately upon hearing this, Trump messaged on his Truth Network that the succession “is a fraud and that he won the succession to be king by a landslide.”

 “Once again It’s a fraud, just like the last U S election. I am the rightful heir to the throne. Boris Johnson told me that the Queen personally told him that  ‘she preferred anyone, even Donald Trump, to her idiot son'. I had the secret document to prove it too until those witch-hunting traitors in the FBI took it out of my Mar a Lago estate, and now won’t  give it back.”

It is also reported that he personally called the PM of Scotland begging him to find just 11,700 votes for him to contest the succession. He plans to hold a “stop the steal” rally in front of Westminster Cathedral “We’re going to march right up to the Cathedral….., and I’ll be marching right along with you…”.

Putin files brief in US Court today demanding Return of Trump’s Classified Documents to Him

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 Today Vladimir Putin filed briefs today in Federal Court to demand that the classified documents that were seized in the FBI raid on Mar a Lago be returned to him. 

“I bought them from Trump more than a year ago in a secret deal. He kept stalling saying he can’t remember where he left them. Now FBI come and take them all. They don’t belong to FBI, they belong to me!"

Trump’s lawyers declined to comment on this new revelation except to say that Mr. Putin does raise a valid argument for their return.

Ron DeSantis Proposes new BROKE Act in Florida

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Riding high on the success of his recent passage of the Stop WOKE Act in Florida which among other things forbids teachers from talking about or even mentioning LGBTQ subjects or Critical Race Theory in K12 classrooms, he now has plans to extend this “we-here in-Florida-don’t-need-to-hear such-talk” to the commercial and business sector. He has titled it the “BROKE Act”.

In the bill, any mention of COVID or Vaccinations by Cruise Lines or other businesses in Florida will be outlawed and could result in the loss of their business license. Also in this bill, local NEWS stations may not refer to any weather in Florida as “Climate Change” related. They may only say it was an “act of GOD”. Newscasters may also not refer in any way to the type of weapon used in a crime, but only say that “a weapon was used”.

Already in the law in Florida are laws preventing doctors from speaking about abortion procedures or offering it as an option. This law extends this to make it a crime to even use the word “abortion”, but must instead refer to it as “an illegal act”.

In his statement to the press, DeSantis stated. “In Florida we’re  BROKE and we’re proud of it”.

Florida also plans on issuing license plates with the motto, “Florida, the BROKE State”.

Supreme Court Ruling will Bring About A Different Sports Commentary to Football

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Now that the Supreme Court has ruled in favor of coaches praying on the 50-yard line, sports commentaries will take on a totally new spin.

Commentor1:  Bill what did you think of that last play. Do you think the coach got it right?

Commentor2: Jim, I’ve seen a lot of calls but the use of Proverbs 24:17 was brilliant. “...lurk like a thief near the house of the righteous, and plunder their dwelling place”. The quarterback never saw it coming. He got sacked almost immediately.

Comentator2: How about the second-quarter defensive play. Do you think the coach was smart to go with Psalms 143:12 – "Thou shalt deliver me from evildoers and save me from bloodthirsty men. See how they lie in wait for me! Fierce men conspire against me for no offense of mine”?

Commentator1: No Bill, he would have been much better going with Psalms 123:2 - "...thou shalt quicken--bring out--cut off--destroy"

Commentator2: I think we can all agree that the coach totally blundered when he went with Psalms 23 in the 4^th quarter “...He maketh me lie down on green pastures”. That prayer probably cost them the game.

January Sixth Commission Released tape of Trump Phone call to Greenland's PM – “Where are my votes”

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

The January Sixth Commission has just now revealed a tape recording that Donald Trump made to Múte B. Egede, Current Prime Minister of Greenland, in December 2020. In the call, he demanded to know where the 7 million votes for him from Greenland. Here is a transcript of that call.

Trump: Good Evening Mr. Egede, this is President Donald Trump calling. I want to know what you did with the 7 million votes for me in the presidential election this past month?  

Múte: Mr. Trump, I have no idea what you are referring to. Greenlanders cannot vote in US elections

Trump: As you perfectly well know I bought your icebound little shit-hole country in August of 2019 and signed an Executive Presidential Order making it the 51^st state. Just ask Rudy Giuliani. The Democrats here are trying everything they can to steal the election from me. I need you to find me those 7 million votes so I can claim I won.

Múte: (silence) then (click)

Trump: Mute? Hellooooooo?

NRA Concierge Service Planned

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Today the NRA announced that it was planning to offer an exclusive concierge service for people planning a mass shooting. In their statement about its purpose, the NRA stated the following.

"Planning a mass shooting event whether it’s in a mall, church, or local school can be a daunting affair. How much ammo should I buy? Is it the right caliber? How many weapons do I need and what type? What about tactical gear? Our concierge service can help answer these and many other questions and get you started on your way to whatever mass casualty event you’re planning. We’re contracted with hundreds of gun shops and military-type equipment vendors that can rent you all you need. No fussy background checks, no red flag checks, not even a lot of cash. You can simply charge it! Besides, you won’t be paying for it at all if things turn out the way you expect. We’ll supply all the guns, ammo, and tactical gear customized to the exact type of mass shooting you’re planning – even supply you with books on how to plan an assault. Also, the most important item that many people who are planning their mass shootings forget is their 'statement of motive'. Is your motive political?  Revenge?  Personal grudge? Without a clear and concise motive, many of your potential victims’ loved ones and the public will forever wonder what possessed you? We have skilled writers on staff who will guide you through this process enabling you to state your motives in such an impassioned way that should you survive and face trial, no self-respecting jury would ever convict you.  It all comes down to your GOD-given right to bear arms."

Christi’s Set to Auction Digital Farts for over 600 Thousand Dollars

Satirical News Service 

New York, NY 

With the craze for NFT Digital Art starting to fade, entrepreneurs have come up with a new scheme for so-called NFTs, Digital Farts! These are digitally captured sounds of rather loud flatulence accompanied by a scratch-and-sniff matrix. When each cell is scratched, it releases a unique odor of the creator’s own flatulence. Each of the pieces on auction will contain 25 unique farts and smells and each one bearing their own NFT. Since each of the 20 cells of sounds and smells can only be used once, it only increases its value to collectors. “Imagine if you could experience the actual sound and smell of great artists like Picasso or Van Gough. It would be just like you are in the room right next to them sharing a uniquely intimate experience “. 

Baby Formula Shortage Linked to High Levels of CRT Contamination

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 The nationwide shortage of baby formula that has swept this country has now been linked to the closure of one of the three factories that make baby formula here in the USA due to high levels of CRT that were contaminating large batches. The entire production had to be recalled and production stopped. CRT or Critical Race Theory has recently been appearing in Children’s storybooks, school curriculums, and even Math textbooks. Florida’s governor, Ron DeSantis has even gone so far as to ban the teaching of Math until new CRT-free textbooks can be produced. The factory that produced the contaminated baby formula suspects that the production line might have gotten contaminated when some Antifa leaning employee brought in a copy of “WOKE BABY” to share with her co-workers. The contamination spread into the product line and the whole factory had to be shut down for purging. The “so-called shortage” is also linked to retailers who are intentionally hoarding stockpiles of it in anticipation of an explosion in the US birthrates after the Supreme Court overturns Roe vs. Wade, and states begin passing and enforcing draconian anti-abortion laws. The billions of abortions that happen almost daily in those states will be reduced to a trickle, and all those babies will be born en-mass. Demand for Baby formula will skyrocket and we’ll profit mightily. THANK YOU, SCOTUS!

Governor Abbott Proposes New “COVID Spreader Trials”

 

Satirical News Service
Austin, Texas

In an effort to deflect blame for rising COVID cases in his state without having to mandate masks, school closings, or vaccinations he has come up with a new plan modeled after the famed Salem Witch Trials. It allows people to accuse others of giving them COVID, not through normal  (*unproven) transition modes, but through nefarious means which are accepted as valid. Ordinary citizens could then use a special court held by Abbott's own appointed judges to adjudicate civil actions against the accused. Much like their draconian abortion laws, the state has no enforcement or need to adhere to habeas corpus. Vigilante groups will be able to round up accused spreaders and sue them for damages ranging from a few hundred dollars to several thousands. In the same way that Abbott has managed abortion rights, he is rallying his base around his new “Covid Rights Bill”.

DeSantis Comes Out Strongly for a “Don’t Say Meow” Bill in Florida

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Following a recent Washington Post report about Nebraska State Senator railing about “students who identify themselves as 'Cats' were demanding that litter boxes be placed in school bathrooms", Florida’s governor Ron DeSantis has come out on this as “the central issue of my 2022 campaign for governor”.  

Governor DeSantis recently became a national lightning rod for his “Anti-Woke” bill and “Don’t Say Gay Bill” which prevented school teachers from talking or even mentioning gender and sexual identity in the classroom. Now that that bill has become law and a rallying point for wannabe Trump contenders, he feels that this new bill could really “own-the-libs”. 

Aside from this, DeSantis has stated almost nothing about bringing Florida’s economy back and addressing some of the most serious environmental issues that threaten Florida’s tourist and sport fishing industries, not any mention of the growing gun violence that has plagued the state for the past six years.

Republicans Organize Aide Relief to Oligarchs

 Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

It’s a tearful scene here at Teterboro Airport here in New Jersey as Russian-owned private jets are forced to land by authorities who are enforcing the sanctions against Russia. It is almost too much to bear as these poor souls deplane, separated from their mistresses and concubines and forced to stay in 3 and 4-star hotels – some even without room service.

A group of Republicans, including many big donors and people in power, are organizing Aide Relief to Oligarchs.

“We want to provide basic humanitarian aid to these poor displaced souls – basic needs like imported caviar, luxury limousines, and private jets. “ It’s hardly their fault that those tyrannical NATO states have taken away their basic necessities – like yachts, luxury apartments, and access to their billions of ill-gotten dollars. We are organizing convoys of limousines and people are donating their luxury yachts and jets to aid in their efforts.  There is even a group of prostitutes from Nevada that have offered up their services to help these poor souls through this time of difficulty. Even Trump has offered to shelter these refugees in his Trump Tower with differed payments at only 35% per day interest rates.”

Trump Declares Independence for His Disputed Electoral States of Arizona and Michigan

 

Satirical News Service
Mar-a-Lago, Florida

Taking his cue from Russia’s Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump today declared what he claimed to be the disputed electoral states of Michigan and Arizona in the last election as “breakaway republics”. He named them Melanigrad and Ivankatonia. He further declared himself as the President for Life of Melanigrad, and his son Eric President for Life of Ivankagrad.

“Since it was apparent that those ungrateful putz’s I put on the Supreme court wouldn’t overturn the election results for me and now keep trying to get my important documents for their Democratic-led witch hunt, I left it to those wonderful people who stood by me on January 6^th, and who now have declared their former states of Michigan and Arizona to be 'independent breakaway republics'. Undoubtedly fake-president Biden will try to threaten us with sending in Federal troops to invade our sovereign nations, so I have asked President Putin to send in 'Peace-Keeping troops' to protect our sacred borders."

NBC Olympic Skating Commentators Rate the Biden-Putin Call

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Yesterday President Biden and President Putin spoke to each other in a possibly last attempt to avoid conflict. Listening in on the call were the NBC Olympic skating commentators who judged the call. Here is what the commentators had to say

C1:  I think Biden started out very strong in his opening. He performed the triple threat perfectly but was a little awkward landing the "NATO is all united together" piece.

C2: Putin’s performance was just a little bit staid, but still a very strong showing. As you know he still holds the top ranking from his previous engagement with Ukraine, and totally crushed his performances with previous President Trump. All the same his aggressive opening moves went a little sloppy when he overplayed his own triple threat.

C3: I agree, when Putin went against the French President he was a lot stronger, and soft-peddled his threat to Ukraine in much smoother performance.

C1: Overall how do you think Biden held up for the end of the call. I sensed he was a lot more tired than after his first call. He just could not seem to land his ultimatum well, and the judges marked his score down. Putin on the other hand kept up his performance totally unperturbed by Biden’s  NATO moves.

C2: Well we’ll just have to see how they perform in their final round which could come any time now. A slip or fall in either contender’s performance could hand the gold medal into the other contender’s hands.

Jen Psaki Reveals the Real Cause for Recent Inflation

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 In an exclusive interview with Press Secretary Jen Psaki, we got a first-time look at what the real cause is for the recent rise in inflation. A group of four of us from SNS were led into a sub-basement maze that revealed a TOP SECRET room deep in the bowels of the White House. In it, we were shown a large array of levers to the accompanying hum of machinery operating.

“This is the room where we manage the levers that control the price of things. It’s what makes gas prices go up or down, or controls the supply of Orange Juice at your local supermarket. Many people are under the mistaken perception that these are all factors of supply and demand and fluctuations in interest rates or money supply. Nothing could be further from the truth. Here is where the President has direct control of these things. It is a very very delicate apparatus. It goes back as far as the Hoover administration where President Hoover wanted to take more control over the economy himself. Unfortunately, he had no idea what he was doing and he started monkeying with the levers and shorted the whole thing out. The result was a crash in the stock market and the Dust Bowl. After that, access to this room was strictly limited. Unfortunately Jimmy Carter – an engineer himself – felt he had the skill and engineering knowledge to play with it. The result was a huge rise in inflation and interest. After aides to Regan got things reset, most administrations usually just left things alone. Trump was way too busy playing golf to care about it so he never came near the room.  When Biden took office he wanted to try to get things fixed faster. He was doing pretty well until about a month ago, rats or something got into the wiring and intermittently started shorting out several of the key controllers – one was controlling the gasoline prices at the pump, another was controlling housing prices, and a third was for certain foods like meat and poultry.  Apparently, they ate through the wiring causing intermittent sudden rises in those prices. That’s the reason they acquired the White House Cat. Fixing this has been a nightmare. The designer left no plans and what diagrams we have are pretty inaccurate. He and Jill have been down here most nights with a team of engineers trying to get the damn thing fixed. Bless his heart – the man feels personally responsible for it. His biggest fear is if Republicans get back in power they’ll really mess up the works. Can you imagine Marjorie Taylor Greene down here playing with the price control levers?” 

Trump Releases His Own Cryptocurrency – The Ful

 

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 In a never-ending attempt to fleece his supporters, The Trump Empire announced that it was creating its very own Cryptocurrency called “Fuls”.  Naturally each of these “virtual tokens” bears the likeness of Donald himself. The initial value of each of these “Fuls” was declared to be 1.5 million dollars by the organization, but savvy investors say it is actually worthless. The Trump Organization says that it could be used in the future to buy specific things – like pardons, judicial appointments, political appointments, and even whole elections.  They are hoping that wealthy Russian oligarchs who are starting to get very nervous about their financial investments would switch to something that they feel would offer them more stability. It is rumored that Paul Manafort would head the Trump Organization’s new enterprise in exchange for his continued silence “on certain matters”.

Trump Supporters Riot Demanding Officials Overturn Punxsutawney Phil’s Prediction

 

Satirical News Service
Gobbler’s Knob, PA

Within minutes of Groundhog Day officials declaring that  “Punxsutawney Phil has definitely seen his shadow”, a riot broke out of Trump supporters demanding that those same officials overturn the prediction. Shouts of “It’s rigged!” and “Hang Punxsutawney Phil” rang out from the crowd who charged the stage. Local police tried their best to contain the rabid crowd allowing the terrified handlers of the poor groundhog and chance to escape.

Tonga’s Eruption Blamed on 5G Rollout

 

Satirical News Service
Nukuʻalofa, Tonga

Scientists now say that yesterday’s massive eruption near the Archipelago of Tonga was most likely caused by the rollout of 5G Network on the island. Tonga, which sits very close to the International Dateline in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, decided to be the very first country to roll out their high-speed 5G Network at full power. According to one spokesperson, “We wanted to see just how far out the signal could go, so we cranked the power all the way to the max. An hour later the whole island was covered in volcanic smoke and ash from a massive undersea eruption. Who knew this could cause this?”.

Conspiracy theorists, QAnon, and even the FAA for months have been warning about rolling out 5G. “Everybody thought we were crackpots – but look who’s laughing now!” said one unnamed theorist. “Those were the same people who doubted Trump's claim that he won the election, and that Vaccines work. Well Mr. smarty-pants-scientist, what do you say to this!”