CDC Confirms Second Case of Affluenza

Satirical News Service
Atlanta, GA

The CDC today confirmed that they now have identified a second case of Affluenza. Affluenza first appeared in teenage boy who killed 4 people after driving his car drunk. Affluenza is caused by an excessively affluent upbringing which affects the victim’s ability to determine right from wrong, display any responsibility, empathy or compassion for others, and can cause frequent outbursts of bizarre and inappropriate behavior and language. The second individual identified only as Mr. T clearly appears to have had this disease for quite some time, It is feared the Mr. T may also have come in contact with thousands of people. 

While males with affluent upbringing and lifestyles are most susceptible, it is uncertain how it affects other individuals who are not affluent. A CDC official stated that in non-affluent individuals symptoms appear early on to cause a loss of rational judgement, paranoia, and aggressiveness. The CDC currently offers no treatment or cure for this disease and they fear that even casual contact with individuals who have it with it might transmit the disease.

Republican Candidates Come Down Strong on Ways to Defeat El Niño

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

After strong storms, flooding, and record number of tornadoes caused by El Niño battered the Northwest and South and Midwest, several leading Republicans have come out strong on how to deal with El Niño .

Donald Trump – It’s perfectly obvious that El Niño is a terrorist organization coming from Mexico. The best way to stop El Niño is to build a wall between Mexico and the US and make the Mexicans pay for it.

Ben Carson – Since we really don’t know which Mexicans or Syrians might be members of El Niño or Al Nuño , we need to stop further immigration from Mexico and Syria until we can properly vet these individuals from entering our country.

Ted Cruz – We need to immediately launch airstrikes against El Niño until the Pacific Ocean beach sands glow. I feel that to defeat El Niño, we need more Guns and God in our country. I’ve always said that the only way to defeat a tornado bearing down on your house is with prayer and a loaded glock!

Chris Christie – Obama caused El Niño attacks on the US this Winter by going to Paris and trying to appease  them in a Climate Change Treaty. It’s clear that El Niño only responds to force. I agree we need to immediately launch airstrikes against them and step up surveillance efforts to prevent people from becoming emboldened by El Niño  after watching posted videos of floods and tornadoes on the internet.

Carly Forina – Have you seen the video footage of Tornadoes dismembering houses and then selling the parts left of them for scrap! Hillary Clinton wants to simply let foreigners tell us how to run our weather. I would immediately defund any organizations involved with Preventing Climate Change.

Jeb Bush – Hey Shit Happens! 

I Won't Eat This! I Won't Eat That!

This is for all of you who are planning Holiday Meals with friends and family....

I won’t eat this, I won’t eat that

I won’t eat meat, I won’t eat fat

I won’t eat gluten or any bread

It’s just a quick way to make you dead

Rice and Pasta

Potatoes and corn

They all will kill you the doctors warn.

Mercury is present in all types of fish

You’ll die for sure from eating this dish

Chicken and Turkey have Salmonella

Just another way to kill a fella

Hot dogs and Hamburgers aren’t the answer

Just one quick way to die of cancer

Don’t eat bacon or stuff on the grill

Those Nitrosomines they say will kill

Fruits and Veggies they say are much wiser

But not with what’s in the fertilizer.

Spinach they say has E.coli

Just one more way for you to die

GMO! It can’t get worse....

Just give me one bite, then call for a hearse.

The only way you won’t get ill

Is to cease all food and just take a pill. 

Ted Cruz to Replace Food Stamp Program with Gun Stamp Program

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

The Cruz campaign went into high gear today just on the eve of the first anniversary of the Sandy Hook school shooting with the announcement that Ted Cruz would eliminate the Food Stamp program and replace it with a Gun Stamp program.

In a statement released today from the Cruz campaign headquarters; “We feel there is no greater need in this country now than our ability to protect our kids and loved ones in a world filled with deranged Muslim Terrorists. I am therefore proposing a Gun Stamp program that would enable people on low incomes, who ordinarily would not be able to afford the price of a gun or the ammunition, a subsidy to do this with government help. I will not raise taxes to do this, but instead will take the savings from the food stamp program that now permits deadbeats to buy lobster and caviar with your tax dollars. “

Trump Wants To Build Wall Around America And Make ISIS Pay For It

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Following up on his radical comments to the media that he proposes to ban all Muslims from entering the country, Donald Trump now proposed that he “Will build a wall around America to keep out Muslims, and I am going to make ISIS pay for it.”

Asked how he was possibly going to accomplish this he stated “Look – I make hundreds of deals every day. I get people to basically do what I want them to .ISIS or whatever they are called are no different. We’ll just hold their heads under water until they cough up the dough”

Senator Ted Cruz's Response to Obama's Speech

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Good Evening

I would like tonight to propose my own solution to stopping the terrorist threat to the United States, and suggest measures that will make America much safer than the feeble measures that President Obama proposed last night.

I propose an immediate passage of a law similar to Florida’s “Stand Your Ground Law”. I refer to it as the “Shoot First, Ask Later” Law.

This Law would permit any American to shoot someone they suspect might be a terrorist and feel threatened by them.  This would include anyone wearing a hajab, head scarf, burka,white skull cap, or other Muslim terrorist paraphernalia; anyone shouting Allahu Akbar in a public place, or speaking threatening language in Arabic. We simply can’t wait until they start shooting to stop these terrorists in their tracks.

While this may seem at first to stretch some people’s Constitutional Rights a little bit, I feel these are drastic times and drastic measures need to be taken.

I will not however, in any way-shape-or-form, do anything from preventing anyone, terrorist or not, from their Second Amendment Constitutional Right to bear arms. America has always believed in fairness above all, and I hold to this! We need to make this a fair fight – man-to-man, and gun-to-gun. That’s the way we did it in the “Old West”, and I believe it will work today.

Thank you and God Bless America.

How do you Comfort Children's Fear This Xmas

To the Children of the World:

Dear Boys and Girls,

     As I sit here in my workshop preparing for another day of delivering toys and gifts around the world, I am deeply saddened by the senseless violence that has   I have seen taken place around the world.  I can no longer sit passively on the sidelines and not try to do something to prevent this.

As you know, my elves and myself see everything you do, and we know when you’ve been naughty and know when you’ve been nice. Even if you don’t believe in Xmas, we still maintain this ongoing surveillance.  In the interest of International Security, I have entered into an agreement to release my list of “Bad Boys and Girls” to the proper authorities.

I will also provide them with a list of all people who have asked for guns this Xmas, and from this day forward will no longer honor requests for guns or related paraphernalia for Xmas. I just know you will end up poking your eye out or someone else’s !

I am hoping that with this bold step I can deliver to you the only Xmas present that really matters; the safety of you and your loved ones.

Merry Xmas and Peace on Earth

Santa Claus

Apple Rumored to Drop Traditional Telephone Calls in new iPhone 7s

Satirical News Service
Cupertino, CA

After rumors surfaced that Apple was dropping the standard earphone jack and now the “home key”, new reports suggest that the new iPhone 7s will also drop the ability to make traditional phone calls.

According to anonymous sources within the Apple Community, 

“Simply talking on the phone is just not cool anymore. Anyone can do that on any cell phone. We want Apple iPhones to do only really cool things. That way we can push people to upgrade their iPhones every year. It’s not enough for the phones just to be a device to send mail, take pictures and movies, and monitor all of your bodily functions. The new iPhone has to find newer cooler ways to do traditional things - like calling people and talking on the phone."

 Rumors are that the new iPhone will not longer be able to connect to any of the currently available networks. Instead users will have to sign up for a new special iPhone network. This will allow users to place telephone calls only to other really cool people who are on that network – sort of like an exclusive night club. The new iPhone will also feature a brand new AI feature called ibCool, which will filter everything the person says and refine it so that it sounds better by changing the tenor and pitch of the users’ speech pattern and even word choices to something more sexy or cool.

Ben Carson Visits Syria, Virginia

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

Presidential hopeful Ben Carson surprised the small town of Syria, Virginia last week by showing up there and wanting to see their refugee camps. He stated that he was quite surprised to see how well off they were doing, having heard what he said were "exaggerated media reports of their plight". He also praised them for learning to speak English. Even after it was pointed out to him that his aides had mistakenly sent him to Syria, Virginia and not the country of Syria, he appeared undeterred. He said "America, acting along with other countries, will make every effort to help you resettle in Jordan."

US CITIZENS STAGE RALLY URGING GREAT BRITAIN TO “TAKE US BACK”

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

With Trump and Carson leading in the GOP polls, and Republicans again threatening to shut down the government over anything Obama proposes, Many Americans have simply had enough of US government. Today they have staged a rally urging Great Britain to “Take Us Back”.

“Look, we’re really sorry about that Revolution thing back in 1776, but given the choice between the madness of King George and the madness of Donald Trump, we’d pick George any day.  We tried Democracy and it worked for a while, but now look at what we’ve got;  a Congress that seems intent on shutting down the government over fictitious 'baby body parts', and a slate of Presidential Candidates that are complete morons. It’d be so much better to be your colony again. We’d have a National Health Service, and cops without guns. ..OK – so we’d have to pay a little more taxes on tea, but who drinks that s##t anyway? I’ll be happy to sing “God Save the Queen” at baseball and football games if it would stop the endless stream of idiotic robocalls we get now. Please, just Take Us Back! "

Governors Move Quickly To Ban Immigration Of North Carolinians

Satirical News Service
Washington D.C.

Immediately after the announcement that the gunman connected to the recent Planned Parenthood shooting in Colorado had recently immigrated from North Carolina, Several governors responded by stating they would take measures block any attempts by individuals from North Carolina immigrating into their states.” It’s quite clear that North Carolina is just a breeding ground for Fundamentalist Christian Jihadists intent on committing act of terrorism. Since we cannot always know who is a terrorist, we feel it is far safer just to ban all individuals from that state from crossing into our borders.”

Republican front runner Ben Carson recommended a thorough vetting program for North Carolinians stating “It would be foolish to welcome North Carolina immigrants into our other states without systems in place to thoroughly vet them".

Another Governor made clear that we must ensure robust refugee screening to protect American citizens, and the Governor believes that the federal government should halt acceptance of people from emigrating from North Carolina until intelligence and defense officials can assure that the process for vetting all is as strong as possible to ensure the safety of the American people.

PETA demands GOP Stop Torturing Elephants

Satirical News Service
Washington,DC

GOP chairman Reince Priebus stated “We are responding to repeated pleas from PETA and other human rights groups to stop making the elephant the symbol of this party. We acknowledge that elephants are smart, caring loving creatures that care for one another, respect their environment and have long memories. It is therefore fitting that we no longer use them to symbolize a party that has none of these attributes. It is therefore our decision to drop this symbol and replace it with one that is more in keeping with our party’s image.”

Oregon and California Consider Legalization of Gluten for Recreational Consumption

Legalized "Bake Shops" such as this one would only be allowed in specialized zones away from schools, spas and health clubs.

Satirical News Service
Sacramento, CA

 Legislatures in Oregon and California have both put forward measures that will allow people to consume products containing Gluten legally. Although controversial, many legislators feel that it is high time to permit people the freedom to decide the risks for themselves. According to one advocate, “We see nothing wrong with the occasional pizza or baguette as long as it can be eaten responsibly. Legalizing gluten, would remove the danger and stigma of having to order a Pepperoni pizza through the underground black market, or risk getting arrested for just eating a subway sandwich in public.”

Part of the provisions of the legislation would set up specially zoned  areas away from schools, spas or health clubs where restaurants can legally serve gluten products. Right now people now can obtain special permits that allow them to order pizza delivery to their home as long as they produce a doctor certified card stating that they do not have Coeliac’s disease and have been informed of the risks of consuming gluten laden products. It is still unknown how they will classify gluten products, and whether or not to allow people to grow their own wheat for their own consumption.

Some legislators are up in arms saying this will only lead to consumption of more dangerous unhealthy foods such as bacon, soda pop, and Hostess Twinkies.

Starbucks Releases Revised Special Edition Holiday Cup

Satirical News Service
Redmond, WA

In an effort of appease Christian Activists who feel the traditional Red Holiday cup was anti-Christian, Starbucks today released a new Special Edition Holiday Cup to appeal to the Christian Right.

Ben Carson Comes Clean – Admits He’s Not Really Black

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Following recent revelations about Ben Carson’s alleged stabbing being fabricated, and now his stated acceptance to West Point also untrue, Ben Carson finally came clean about one other thing. “I’m not really Black”, he announced today. “Frankly”, he went on “I’m amazed no one caught on to this before. I mean what Black man talks like this, and holds such insane views as I do?  I figured – surely they’d see right through this disguise- but I kept rising in the polls. So I kept it up. I hate Soul food! – that should have clued people, but here I am, Black like me, but not really.”

RNC adopts New Debate Format – They will only Debate Themselves

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

After the series of humiliating debacles with the Republican debates now focusing on the media rather than issues, the RNC has decided to put a stop to it. From now on, Candidates will only debate themselves.

According to Reince Priebus, the RNC committee chairman, “We will no longer have moderators pose questions. Instead, the candidates themselves will pose questions they want to answer, and then answer those questions. Other candidates will not be allowed to respond to anyone else’s questions, but must stick only to the questions they ask themselves. That way we can have a fair and informed debate without a lot of arguing.  Each candidate will be allowed to debate him/herself for 15 minutes. That seems to be the maximum attention span of voters today. They then have a 5 minute closing statement. The debates will also no longer be hosted by Networks, but will go to a pay-per-view format much like prize fights on HBO. We feel this is the best way to attract the kind of voters we want to reach”

Joe Biden Holds Own Debate With Himself – “Should or Shouldn’t I Run?”

Joe Biden debated with himself for over three hours

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 Joe Biden, who elected to skip the nationally televised Democratic Debate in Las Vegas last night, conducted his own non-televised debate with himself instead. Taking the stage, he went from one podium to another debating the one question “Should or Shouldn’t I run”. The debate lasted for over three hours, and by the end, not one of the eight people who attended could remember what the debate was about, or who won. Donald Trump, upon hearing about the un-publicized debate tweeted “Who Cares?”

VIDEO SHOWS PRE-TERM HOUSE SPEAKER BEING ABORTED AND THEN EVISCERATED.

Satirical News Service

Washington, DC

Planned Parenthood today released secretly obtained videos that purport to show a pre-term House Speaker being aborted and then eviscerated. This comes only weeks after videos surfaced showing  similar treatment to Cecil Richards. Although these videos are too graphic to be shown here, they show a cabal of Congressmen, belonging to a sect called “The Tea Party”, aborting this  helpless pre-term Speaker and then systematically eviscerating him in a secret ceremony held on Capitol Hill.

Planned Parenthood is demanding that the Koch Brothers immediately defund Congress so that these horrible practices can stop.

Ben Carson Courts the Pro Gun Lobby

Ben Carson released this new photo of himself today hoping to garner favor with the pro-gun lobby which praised his recent comments against gun control after the Oregon School shooting.

Vaccinations and Gluten, Not guns Blamed for Oregon Shooting says Trump

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

With Republicans desperately searching for something else to blame the Oregon Shooting on except guns, they have so far come up with loneliness, abortion and absentee fathers, (jindahl), liberal teachers, Muslim extremist videos, divorce, gay marriage, and “stuff”. 

Today Donald Trump came out came out with a new cause – Gluten. In a post Trump tweeted – “Look, I’m just saying that we already know that vaccinations cause autism, and there is a lot of evidence that eating food with gluten leads to violence.  Just the other day, a child 2 years old, 2½ years old- a beautiful child was eating a sandwich containing gluten, and came back, and an hour later started running around and hitting his baby brother. I think the evidence is pretty strong here that there is a link between vaccinations and eating gluten leading to mass shootings. We should be looking at that instead of constantly pinning the blame on guns.” 

Both Bobby Jindahl and Ben Carson say in this case they agree with Trump. Jeb Bush said if he were elected President he’d push for a 10 day waiting period for anyone buying a sandwich at Subway, and close the “hot-dog-buns loophole” at Sporting events.

Dumb Bombs in Syria Show Need for Standardized Tests for Bombs

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

According to sources in the State Department, Russia is dropping dumb bombs in Syria. This points out a growing international problem of bombs being passed along the chain without meeting basic literacy requirements of math, science, or reading.  According to one high ranking US Air Force officer, “The US long ago instituted standardized testing for their bombs in a well-publicized program called No Bomb Left Behind, instituted during the Bush administration. Every bomb we use must pass a series of standardized test in Math, Science, and Reading before we can pass it on to use on a mission. The Russians simply have not done this. Many of their bombs cannot perform even the most basic calculation such as ‘if it is traveling at 500 mph in 10 seconds, how far will it travel in 30 seconds?’, or ‘if it takes 1 kilo of explosive to destroy a house 5 meters square, how much explosive will it take to destroy a building 15 meters  square?’. They also fail to meet even basic proficiency in reading such as being able to distinguish a sign for ‘school’ or ‘hospital’ from ‘munitions depot’ or ‘command and control center’. Because of this we are likely to see a flood of bombs dropped in the Syrian and other conflicts that simply fall-and-blow-up. We are trying to work with the Russians to remedy this by insisting that they institute programs like the No Bomb Left Behind that demands that bombs pass standardized tests in math, science and reading. Contractors whose bombs consistently fail to meet these literacy standards will have their payments suspended until they do.  While it may add to their defense spending in the short run, in the long run it will lead a more educated theater of conflict.”

Edward Snowden Recounts Secret Meeting with Pope Francis

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC


SNS has learned today that a private meeting occurred between Wikileaker Edward Snowden and Pope Francis during the pope's historic trip to the United States. After receiving a surprise phone call from a church official, the former NSA employee traveled to Washington, D.C. in disguise, where he briefly met the pope Sept. 24 at the Vatican Embassy, right after his meeting with Kim Davis.

“I was crying. I had tears coming out of my eyes,” Snowden said in an exclusive interview with Satirical News. “I'm just a nobody, so it was really humbling to think he would want to meet or know me.I put my hand out and he reached and he grabbed it, and I hugged him and he hugged me,” Snowden said. “And  then he said, ‘thank you for your courage.’”

Father Benedettini from the Vatican Press office released a statement after reports emerged that Snowden and the pope had met.

“The Holy See is aware of the reports of Edward Snowden meeting with the Holy Father. The Vatican does not confirm the meeting, nor does it deny the meeting. There will be no further information given,“ the statement reads.

Hours later, Father Benedettini said, in another statement, “I do not deny that the meeting took place, but I will not comment on it further."

The Apostolic Nunciature in Washington, D.C. would also not elaborate, echoing the Vatican's latest statement.

Republicans Accused of Dismembering Cecil Richards and Selling her Body Parts

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Horrific videos were released today by Planned Parenthood that show graphic footage of Cecil Richards, CEO of Planned Parenthood, being dismembered and eviscerated by Republican House Members and her “red meat”  sold to Republican Candidates. Planned Parenthood employees secretly filmed this dismemberment by members of Congress this week, who now deny that it ever took place. 

As one Republican House Committee member stated, “It is clear that this is a total fabrication. While we may occasionally give away some body parts, such as heads, to Research firms such as Heritage Foundation, The Liberty Institute and The Pro-Life Action Committee, we do not sell these parts to anyone for a profit. These heads and other parts  are very important in providing vital research toward defunding Planned Parenthood, Abolishing Obamacare, and supporting Ultra-Conservative Congressional and Presidential candidates.  It is absurd to think that we simply dismember and eviscerate these people in ritualistic Congressional  Hearings while they are still alive and then sell their body parts.”

Apple Annouces iLickit - Security Feature for ipad/iphone

Satirical News Service
Cupertino, CA

Apple Computer today leaked the first glimpse of a new security feature that they claim will revolutionize the way we access our devices. Coming fast on the heels of their new 3D touch technology, iLickit ® is a totally new interface that will soon appear on all their phones and tablets.

According to sources at Apple, users will no longer have to remember or type in passwords. They simply lick the screen. The screen has special sensors that remembers the DNA composition of the users’ saliva, and compares it to what is stored in the memory. To initiate this feature, users must first lick their screen 3 times to set up the memory profile for that user. Other users may also set up their profile using the same technique. After that the phone is secured and can only be accessed by a lick from the owner or authorized user. While this feature still has some kinks to work out, such as when the user has been eating onions or really strong tasting foods, it shows great promise to change the way we securely access all our devices

As yet, no specific date has been released when models with this feature will become available.

Martin Shkreli Being Eyed by Republicans for VP Spot

Satirical News Service

Washington DC

Martin Shkreli, the former Hedge fund manager who recently jacked up the price of a drug 4000%, is now being seriously considered by Republicans for the VP spot on the ticket. An un-named source high up in the Republican Party stated“Martin Shkreli embodies all of the values the Republican party holds dear – Un-restrained greed, un-bridled capitalism, blatant lack of compassion, and unquestioned willingness to make enormous profits on the backs of sick people”. While he does not profess to be anti-gay”, one Republican staffer added, “the fact that the drug he jacked the price up on is used to treat AIDS can’t hurt.” According to Martin Shkreli’s press secretary he has already been approached by high ranking staffers from several of the Candidates.

Trump Demands to See Pope birth Certificate to Prove He was Born in the Vatican

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

After Pope Francis called Trump un-Christian for his statements on immigration and deporting Muslims, Donald Trump shot back that he wasn't really qualified to be Pope and demanded to see his birth certificate to prove he was he was actually born in the Vatican.

Negotiations Underway With Iran to Change Their “Death to America” Chant

Satirical News Service
Washington, D.C.

After narrowly getting the Iran Nuclear Treaty deal passed through Congress this year, the Obama administration is setting its sights on a new deal that would change the “Death to America” chant that Iranians use at rallies every time America is mentioned.

In an interview with the lead negotiator from the US State Department, he stated, “It has become very clear that this is a serious problem for US-Iranian relations right now, and especially for Democrats who want a more conciliatory relationship with Iran. Every time we try to put an olive branch out there, we see news footage of some Iranian rally shouting ‘Death to America’. The American people simply cannot accept this. We are now involved in new negotiations to try to change this chant to something else.”

It has been learned by SNS that Iranians have put forward several proposals that offer a more conciliatory tone. One proposal put forth by negotiators is to change the chant to simply “Illness to America”, but the Iranians insisted on changing the wording of it to “Long and Debilitating illness to America”; something the US could not accept.

Another proposal was “Death to only a (blank) percentage of Americans”, but what that percentage is was still deadlocked. The Iranians also insisted on putting in the words “who are non-Muslim”, which American negotiators cannot accept.

In an effort to break the deadlock, negotiators from European nations have put forth the chant “Death to Western Powers” as an acceptable alternative, but the Soviets feel that it might be construed to indicate them as well as NATO nations, and oppose it.

Republicans in Congress also want any change in the Iranians’ chants to also include their “Death to Israel” chant – something that the Iranians have unequivocally rejected.

Scientists say that GOP debate confirms their Worst Fears about America’s Diet of Reality TV Shows

Satirical News Service
Simi Valley, CA

Scientists from all over the world who watched the GOP debate last night, and concluded that their worst fears have come true. “Years ago, we warned TV executives about the dangers of feeding the American people a steady diet of Reality TV shows. We told them then that people would not be able to distinguish reality itself from the vanity and stupidity that they saw on these shows. Now we’ve seen the result of this in the form of a GOP presidential debate that rivaled the David Springer Show and the Bachelorette."

Texas Governor Perry Demands Crackdown on Sale and Possession Of Clocks

Satirical News Service
Austin, Texas

Texas Governor Perry today took immediate steps to prevent the proliferation of unregistered clocks, after an honor student in Houston was arrested after bringing a homemade clock to school. Governor Perry stood before the state legislature and demanded that they immediately pass legislation that would require background checks and a 10 day waiting period for anyone wanting to purchase certain types of clocks.

   “Right now anyone can simply walk into a department store and purchase a clock without any background check. Kids can easily purchase the materials to make their own home made clocks on the Internet without any regulation to prevent this. “

Governor Perry also wants to stop the sales of certain types of clocks that are capable of displaying time in multiple time zones, and clocks that can store multiple alarms. Governor Perry said “Simply put, these types of clocks are just “time killers”. 

One state senator who was moved by the governor’s speech said “We are dealing here with nothing less than a ticking clock.” 

The NRA however came down solidly against this legislation saying it was just one step closer to the government taking away our guns. A spokesman for the NRA said, “It’s what we have said many times; the only way to stop a bad guy with a clock, is a good guy with a glock”.

The State of Kentucky Decides to Opt out of United States for Religious Reasons

Satirical News Service
Frankfort, KY

In a stunning announcement yesterday, the State Legislature of Kentucky, whose body is made up largely of Fundamentalist Christians, has announced that hence forth they are opting out of being a State in the Union for religious reasons. 

          As they stated in their Declaration of Christian Independence, “The United States has become too anti-Christian by requiring them to uphold the laws equally to Fundamentalist Christians and all others. For this reason the State of Kentucky has decided to ‘opt out’ of the United States. We will henceforth be known as the Fundamentalist Christian State of Kentucky". 

        Current residents of that state can choose to stay provided they declare their unconditional allegiance to Jesus Christ and the belief that every word in the Bible is true and unequivocal. They must also show proof of being heterosexual, although details of how this will be determined have yet to be worked out. All those who do not want to adhere to these requirements are free to leave the state.
         As one state representative stated “It is our First Amendment Right of Religious Freedom to do this action”. 

New Empty Chairs Enter the 2016 Presidential Race

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

As we approach the second round of GOP presidential candidate debates this week, Hillary Clinton’s polling number seem to be sliding while Donald Trump’s inexplicably seem to be rising. So with the American electorate so totally confused, several new “Empty Chairs”,have seen this as an opportunity to enter the presidential race.

The Witches Dunking Chair

This chair polls very well with the Ted Cruz and Mike Huckabee crowd who want to bring America back to old Puritan ways.

The Public Bus Bench

This chair seems to poll very well with the Bernie Sanders crowd who favor more equality and communal social values.

The Hand-Me-Down Chair

This chair polls well with the Jeb Bush crowd who favor well-worn Republican slogans and policies recycled from the previous two Bushes.

The One-Gaping-Hole Chair

This chair seems to poll well with the Hillary Clinton crowd. It basically has plain sturdy back and legs, but one gaping hole in it.

The New Republican chair

This is your basic old hard chair, but they’ve added a large soft ill-fitting cushion to give it a little more comfort.

The Do-You-Really-Want-To-Keep-That-Old-Thing Chair

This chair polls well with supporters who’d like Joe Biden to enter the race, It’s pretty worn out, but still provides that old-worn-shoes comfort.

The Full-of-Holes Chair

This chair is very rickety and full of holes, but the back is covered with a cushion to act like it’s still functional as a chair. This should also appeal to many Republican voters and even some supporters of Hillary Clinton.

The Trump Chair

 No explanation needed.

“Gluten Free” Paleolithic Cave Discovered in Southern Italy

Cave Drawing appears to depict a Gluten Free symbol

Satirical News Service
Puglia, Italy

In a cave in Puglia, southern Italy, spectacular cave paintings were uncovered that appears to show evidence of a “Gluten Free” culture. These drawing appear in a cave just adjacent to the one in where first evidence of stones used by Paleolithic people to grind wheat 32,000 years ago was discovered last week. The large cave drawing depicts a primitive drawing of wheat stalks with a slash and circle, symbolizing a warning not to eat this. Proponents of the "Paleo" diet point to this this new discovery as significant.

Scientists in South Africa Find Undiscovered Humanoid Species

Satirical News Service
Johannesburg, South Africa

Scientists working in remote regions of South Africa have uncovered the bones of a previous unknown species of humanoids. What distinguishes this species was a very colorful out-crop of brightly colored hair that scientists surmised from taking DNA samples. They named this species Homo Obnoxious Ignoramus.

Based upon artifacts found in the cave, it appears that this species did not get along well with other humanoids, and was believed to have a very vocally obnoxious  behavior. It refused to hunt on its own, and insisted that the females and other species hunt for him. One trait that scientists found strange was it seemed to want to build walls everywhere in and around their cave to isolate themselves, and prominently display their markings on the entrances to their overly lavish cave. It is unknown whether this species went completely extinct, or whether some eventually survived to breed with other species of humanoids. 

The 0-0 One Percenters Labor Day Picnic

Satirical News Service
The Hamptons, NY

A Group of the 0.01%’er’s sponsored at picnic today at the posh home of a hedge fund manager who wished to go unnamed. They were there to celebrate the “hard work and the American Dream that made them the rich men they are today.” It was catered by mostly immigrant, minority and women workers who were being paid less than minimum wage with no health benefits. Some complained how the current low bank interested rates were preventing them from getting a decent return on their investments to a young college student who had just parked their cars for minimum wages in order to pay off his exorbitant student loans.  After a few speeches about how illegal immigration is spoiling the American economy, they sat down to a meal that had been prepared and harvested by some of those same immigrants. They then went on to rail about Obamacare and the oppressive taxes in place now (of which they pay little), and the need to bring back traditional American values of hard work and sacrifice, while they continue to ship the jobs that enable that overseas. They then cracked jokes about how happy they were that Warren Buffet was not invited. All in all it was a good picnic. 

Trump Now Plans To Build Wall Around Hawaii

Site of proposed wall around Hawaii

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 With the recent rise in “boat people” from Asia, and the faltering Chinese economy, Donald Trump today stressed an urgent need to build a wall around Hawaii. In an Instagram message he posted earlier today, he ranted that "The Indonesian and Chinese economies were going bust as evidence by last week’s meltdown of their currency and recent boatloads of immigrants leaving Indonesia". He went on to say, "The first place they are going to go is to the USA in droves to find jobs. You can bet that any day not we’ll start to see boat loads of Chinese, Indonesians, North Koreans, and who knows what else washing up on the shores of Hawaii and dumping  their contents of illegal immigrants. It’s time we took measures to prevent this from happening before it does by building a wall around Hawaii. Why Hawaii? Think about it! its’ the closest place in the US from China, and that’s where they’re going to go!"

In the past few weeks many Republican Presidential hopefuls have warmed up to Trump’s “Wall” proposals to prevent illegal immigration, and have recently proposed one across the Canadian frontier as well. While they still are reluctant to take a stand on something as expensive and complex as a wall around Hawaii, many admit it does have merit, and is better than seeing 1 billion Chinese and other illegal immigrants take jobs away from real Americans who migrated there from the Continental USA.  

Another County Clerk Refuses to Issue Marriage Licenses To Christians – Says "They Must First Pledge Their Souls To Satan"

Satirical News Service
Lexington, KY

 In another twist of events in the on-going saga of marriage licenses, another county clerk in Kentucky going only by the name “Lucifer” states that he is following his conscience by refusing to issue marriage licenses to people of the Christian faith. In an exclusive interview with SNS, he stated “I cannot in good conscience allow this travesty of marriage between two Christians to legally take place unless they first pledge their eternal souls to Satan”. 

Lucifer is a devout member of the Satanic Church and feels that it is his constitutional right to make this stand based upon his First Amendment Right of Religious Freedom.

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Trump’s New Proposal to Have US Customs Check Points in Hospital Delivery Rooms

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

Donald Trump today elaborated on his plan to end automatic birthright citizenship. To enforce this, he proposed to have US customs agents present at all live births. Newborns would have to enter the world through US customs and immigration stations, first having filled out the proper forms and presenting proper documentation to show that both sperm and egg donors were US citizens at the time of conception. If they are unable to produce this documentation, the newborn must return to the womb and apply for either a pink card for a girl or a blue card for a boy and wait 90 days before trying to be born again. According to Trump this will practically eliminate “illegal birthright” immigration into the USA.

North Korea Turns Calendar Back 2000 Years

After announcing that North Korea was creating its own time zone one half hour different from Japan, Kim Jong Un announced that he was also turning back the calendar 2000 years. This would give North Korea time to catch up to the rest of the world in 2015.

"Silence of the Lions" - Minnesota Dentist was Serial Lion Killer

Satirical News Service
Minneapolis, MN

It turns out that "Cecil" was not the only famous lion James Palmer had stalked and killed. He had in fact been a serial "Famous Lion" killer for some time before this. When FBI raided Walter James Palmer’s Minnesota Home they found this grim sight. Included in his gruesome collection was Detroit Lions quarterback Mathew Stafford, The New York Public Library Lion, the MGM lion, Simba from the Lion King, and The Cowardly Lion, all mounted on his wall.  It appears he had been preparing a site for his newest trophy, "Cecil", for some time before now.

Shocking Discovery Found in New Windows 10 OS

Satirical News Service
Redmond, WA

FBI officials made a shocking discovery buried in the new Windows 10 operating system released today by Microsoft. Going on an anonymous tip, the FBI found what they believe are the decaying remains of “Clippy”. Clippy was once a prized feature of Windows, but then mysteriously went missing several years ago. Today the grim reality of his fate became apparent when software investigators uncovered a shallow indentation and several lines of fragmented software code buried  deep within the Windows 10 operating system.  The exact cause of clippy’s demise is not known for certain, but sources are stating that foul play was most likely the cause. At Microsoft’s headquarters in Redmond, Washington, sources there are refusing to say anything, but Cortina has been listed as a Person-of-Interest in the case. 

Iran Arms Deal Hits snag over “Right to Bear Arms” Clause

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Within days of being able to close a ground breaking treaty with Iran to limit their ability to produce nuclear weapons, the deal has hit a brick wall. Opponents of the treaty in Iran have slipped an amendment into their new constitution that guarantees the right of their citizens to “own and bear arms.” While the provisions of the new treaty agreement prohibits the government of Iran from developing and testing nuclear armament, it does not apply to individuals in Iran. This new  Second Amendment  provision would basically permit any Iranian individual to develop and keep nuclear  and other weapons of mass destruction. In addition, the Iranians have passed a “Stand-Your-Ground –Against-Zionist-Terrorists-and-Enemies-of-the-Faith” Law that allows any Iranian to use lethal force including nuclear weapons  if they feel threatened by “Zionists Terrorists or Enemies of the Faith”. They went further by scrapping any background checks or waiting period for individuals from any terrorist group from purchasing nuclear and other weapons from individuals at Islamic Gun Shows.

Negotiators from the Iranian government who have gone to great lengths to broker this deal have expressed their profound frustration. Said one negotiator, “It’s one thing to go up against Western Infidels, but another thing entirely to go up against gun rights groups here in Iran.”