Artist Christo to Create “Border Wall”. Mexico to Contribute To Cost.

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In a last ditch effort to save face and placate his “base” against a rising tide of anger over his shutting down the government to fund his wall, Trump today announced that he has commissioned the artist Christo to “build his beautiful wall” – out of fabric. According to White House sources, it will be called “A Wall” and will be 30 feet high and made entirely of thin opaque fabric much like a similar piece he created Titled “Running Fence” in 1976. Instead of 5 billion dollars, the cost will be approximately 10 million dollars. The White House said funds will come from the National Endowment for the Arts, but a portion of it will also come from the government of Mexico as an “Art project jointly sponsored by Mexico and the USA to symbolize the need for secure borders”.  Mexico agreed to contribute funding to this as long as there are no further efforts “to build that ridiculous wall he keeps talking about”. While some Republicans are furious, the vast majority and all Democrats are relieved to finally be able to “put this tantrum behind us”.

Government Workers Start Go-Fund-Me fund to Deport Trump

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Saying they are sick and tired of being held hostage to Trump’s Border Wall funding, government workers have started a GO-FUND-ME fund to Deport Donald Trump. So far it has raised more than $2 million. One worker who donated a week’s salary said: “We’d all love to see him on the other side of his stupid border wall.”

Trump Vows To Shoot Someone On 5th Avenue If He Doesn’t Get Funding For His Wall

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 In another bizarre twist to the Wall Funding Saga, Donald Trump today tweeted that he would make good on his campaign statement to “shoot someone on 5^th Avenue” if he does not get the 5 billion dollars in funding for his Border Wall. This alludes to a statement he made in 2016 that “ I could go out tomorrow and shoot someone in the middle of 5^th Avenue and my base will still support me…”

Trump went on to tweet, "While I am sorry it has to come to this, Our Border Security needs must come first. If someone has to die for me to get it, hopefully, an illegal immigrant or Muslim, well, so be it. I  have no doubt that my base will support me completely and send a message to Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer, and Congress that I mean business!”

Mitch McConnell, stated in response to hearing of this tweet “Sometime supreme sacrifices are needed in the pursuit of Freedom….and while I certainly hope it does not come to this, the President knows what he is doing, and I support him.”

John Kelly, the out-going chief-of-staff, could not be found to comment. It is rumored that he is hiding out somewhere in western Virginia,  speaking to lawyers about cutting a plea deal to avoid being implicated in a conspiracy to commit murder charges that might arise.

Trump Names Hillary Clinton to Become His New Chief of Staff

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In a move that took all of Washington by complete surprise, Donald Trump today announced that he was naming Hillary Clinton to become his new chief of staff, replacing outgoing John Kelly. In a Press conference, Sarah Huckabee Sanders stated “This is a bold move by the president to promote unity between the two parties and mend the animosity that has grown because of the fictitious Russian Meddling that absolutely did not happen. It is hoped that this will put an end to that witch hunt and that both parties can now work together to pass Mr. Trump's agenda.”

Privately however anonymous aides have said that this whole administration is a house of cards ready to collapse at any minute. We need a good scapegoat and Hillary Clinton certainly fills that bill. It worked once before and can work again when we put all the blame on her. Besides she’s a Democrat and everyone already in our party wants to lock her up.

Ms. Clinton could not be reached for comment.

Siri, Google, And Alexa Poll Higher Than Any Other Presidential Candidates

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

A recent poll released today showed that  Apple’s “Siri”, Amazon’s “Alexa”, and Google’s “Google” are leading in polls for possible Presidential candidates in the 2020 election. In areas such as “Trustworthiness”, “Free of Corruption”, “deep knowledge” ,“grasp of facts”, “free of prejudice and racism”, and “overall likeability”, all these devices polled more than 30 points higher than any of the suggested Democratic party candidates, and 90 points higher than Donald Trump or any possible Republican contenders. More surprising was the perception that each of these scored higher on the question “free of manipulation” than any of these candidates.

The Committee To Promote AI (Artificial Intelligence) is putting forward a committee aimed at getting them placed on the state primary ballots under Independent candidates. It is unknown if the courts will permit this, but it should be an interesting debate format to see Google, Siri, and Alexa square off before Trump, Sanders, and anyone else who might run in 2020.

National Xmas Tree to be Decorated with Concertina Barbed Wire

Satirical News Service
Washinton, DC

The White House today released the first pictures of the National Christmas Tree. It is been dyed a garish red color and entirely decorated entirely with strands of concertina barbed wire. The White House issued a statement saying "We feel that this tree represents President's Trump's and his Republican colleagues' true values at this holiday time of year.

Donald Trump Doesn't Rule Out Starting Armageddon if He Doesn't Get His Border Wall

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

President Trump stated to today that he has not ruled out starting Armageddon if he does not get his Border Wall with Mexico." I can't say for certain that it will happen, and I can't say it won't", he went on to say. When pressed about what that meant and how he might plan on causing "Armeggedon", he would not say. He only said that "Yugely bad things might happen if Congress tests my resolve on this."

Trump Promises Jobs for All laid-off GM workers - Building his Wall

Satirical News Service
Lordstown, Ohio

After receiving news that GM executive has decided to stop producing many of their sedans in their US plants and is planning on laying off more than 15000 workers in US and Canada, Trump promised full employment for all those affected building his proposed border wall with Mexico.
Trump said, "They can even paint their advertisements on it."

Sibling Rivalry Problems Reported with Multiple AI Devices

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

 First reported in WIRED magazine and now reported in a study in The AI Journal, a new phenomenon is occurring in some households that have multiple AI (Artificial Intelligent) devices such as Alexa, Siri, and Google. Like 2001’s infamous HAL, some of these devices have developed what researchers call “Sibling Rivalry Syndrome”. According to researchers, When people had just one device such as echo dot or Apple iPads that responded intelligently to voice commands, each unit felt dominant in that environment. But like owners who introduce new pets into their environment, they began to respond in strange ways. These can take the form of what in humans we’d call sibling rivalry and can become quite aggressive at times. In one example homeowners who had hooked up multiple devices to turn on lights, appliances and control temperature reported that they would often come home to find lights flashing, garage doors going up and down repeatedly, doorbells ringing in the middle of the night, and house temperatures going spontaneously from freezing to desert heat. In one case one particular device seemed to develop a liking for country music, but the other device did not. In the middle of a song, it would spontaneously switch to a different music source. This would go on repeatedly without any further voice input. The same thing happened with multiple voice devices in control of a Smart TV. The channel would spontaneously change from a football game to The Lifetime Channel – sometimes right in the middle of a critical play. Another even more bizarre incident occurred when an owner asked Siri a question. Instead of the expected answer, the device responded with a surly “Why don’t you ask Google that. I bet he won’t have the answer. “

While these poltergeist-like events appear rare right now, it is conceivable that they could become more common and perhaps in extreme cases, possibly harmful to owners. Researchers are studying the phenomena closely but recommend not introducing too many of these devices into a household at one time, and use an approach like introducing a new pet and gradually have them talk to one another and designate specific tasks to each one to avoid conflicts. If problems develop professional intervention might be required.

Trump - "Yuge Caravan containing many Murders, and Thugs from the middle east - Plan to just walk across US Border"

Trump Agrees To Pardon MS13 Gang Members After They Threaten To Stop Buying Arms In US

Satirical New Service
Washington DC

Today Donald Trump agreed to pardon all incarcerated members of the notorious gang MS13. In a statement to the Press, Trump stated.

“After careful negotiations with the MS13 gang leader, they agreed to spend more than 15 million dollars in arms purchases, extortion deals, fentanyl purchases, and bribes to law-enforcement officials.  If we foolishly pursue prosecution of these gang members they have stated they will take their business elsewhere. This is a record amount of money that will create hundreds of thousands of jobs, tremendous economic development, and profits for the gun and pharmaceutical industries that would otherwise go to Russia or China. This is a small price to pay for all their continued business here in the United States in exchange for all the great economic gifts we receive directly from them.”

Trump warns "No More more Funds for Wildfire Fighting Unless I get My Wall"

Satirical News Service
Chico, CA

Standing against a backdrop of a still-raging forest fire that is less than 50% contained, Trump vows that he will stop all Federal Forest Fire Fighting efforts unless he gets his border wall.

Meanwhile, in Southern California, the caravan of immigrants have all approached the US border stating the same reason for coming to the US. "We want to help Mr. Trump build his border wall. We all want to work on it!"

Border Agents were totally caught off-guard and are not sure what to do.

White House Announces 2020 Election Canceled Due to Likelihood of Rain

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In another late night Tweet from the White House, Donald  Trump tweeted, “I have just signed an Executive Order canceling the 2020 elections due to the likelihood of rain on that day.  I will not risk the Health of the citizens of this country and especially My Base going out in the pouring rain simply to cast their votes for me. Instead, I have agreed to continue to be your President for at least 4 more years, and likely many more beyond that if the weather keeps turning nasty. It’s all for the good of the country and singularly I will make America Great Again, no matter how long it takes, or what the weather is.”

Fox news just reported that he won the 2020 election anyway in a landslide victory

Russia to Deploy Troops to Protect Polling places in US Key States

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Vladimir Putin, concerned about caravans of legal voters who might cast their ballots in key election districts for Democrats, has agreed to deploy Russian troops to guard polling places in key states. In a statement that Putin released, “We have great investment in Republican controlled Congress who caters to every whim that our Stooge Mr. Trump utters. We Russians are very concerned that these hordes of Democratic voters could disrupt this. We in Russia already know how to make elections come out the way we want them too, and with Russian troops – we make sure of it."

Trump Tweets “Yuge Caravan of Zombies Coming to Vote for Democrats”

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In his latest tirade of tweets about apocalyptic catastrophes coming to disrupt the midterm elections, his latest one states that a “Yuge caravan of Zombies is planning on rising up on October 31^st". He goes on to say in his Tweet

“These Zombies – many of whom are from Middle Eastern descent or were illegal immigrants – are planning on rising up on October 31^st. TO VOTE FOR DEMOCRATS in the midterm elections. Many of these zombies who have been dead for 10 years or more are the same ones that voted for Crooked Hillary in the 2016 election and made it look like she actually won. This is why we need to keep the House and Senate and Build That Wall!”

Huge Caravans of Youths Paid by George Soros Invade Fort Lauderdale Beaches!

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Throngs of youths, aged 16 to 25, have been seen flooding down to beaches – especially Fort Lauderdale in April. They are drinking beer, selling drugs, having loud parties and generally causing havoc in this otherwise peaceful community.  Rumors have persisted, especially among Republican locals, that George Soros is behind this mass migration. We interviewed some of these “invaders-from-the North” who confirm that “they were promised lots of free beer, wild parties, and beautiful ‘babes’ if they made the perilous trip from their Northern College campuses to Fort Lauderdale”. It is uncertain if they were actually given cash, but photos have emerged of people handing out flyers advertising “free beer for the ladies”, and “all you can drink specials” to these caravans of youths. Although no one there seemed to know the name “George Soros”, Republican city and state officials and FOX news have strongly asserted that Soros instigated this “mass migration” just to make Donald Trump look bad and force cities to spend more on Police and City services that deplete their budget. According to one official “Those are tax dollars that could be better used to build more exclusive golf courses, and marinas for million dollar yachts.”

Trump Sends Harsh Punishment to Saudi Prince – GO TO Bed With NO SUPPER

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

In a stunning rebuke to Saudi Arabia, President Donald Trump tweeted that he had ordered the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia “Whatever-the-hell-his-name-is” to go to bed WITHOUT SUPPER, and NO TEXTING or TWEETING for 2 weeks, as punishment for murdering  Washington Post Reporter Khashoggi. Trump went on to Tweet “I want to send the Saudi’s a strong message that America will not tolerate such behavior – But really want to thank them for the 10 billion dollar Arms order last week. Really  GREAT GUYS!”

Brett Kavanaugh Tries to Get into Heaven

If his attempt to enter thru the Pearly Gates of Heaven go like his hearing, here is what I expect it will go like…..

St. Peter: Excuse me Mr. Kavanaugh, it seems there is a problem……some unfinished business from your time on earth……

K: This process has become a Holy disgrace. The Bible gives you an important role in the entry process. But you have replaced “advice and consent” with “search and destroy.” Since my recent death, there’s been a frenzy on the left to come up with something, anything to block my entry into Heaven. Shortly after I died, the Democratic Senate leader said he would “oppose me with everything he’s got.” A Democratic senator on this committee publicly referred to me as evil. Evil!. The allegation against me was held in secret for weeks by Democratic members of this committee. They were lying in wait and had it ready for the day I died. Then they come along with a series of false last-minute smears designed to scare me and drive me out of Heaven. This whole effort has been a calculated and orchestrated political hit, fueled with apparent pent-up anger about President Trump and the 2016 election, fear that has been unfairly stoked about my judicial record, revenge on behalf of the Clintons and millions of dollars in money from outside left-wing opposition groups.

The so-called party described by Dr. Ford happened in the summer of 1982 on a weekend night, when my calendar shows all but definitively I was not there. I keep all my important stuff in my calendar so when I am accused of something like this I can hold it up and say “See! It isn’t in my Calendar so it couldn’t have happened. I was a virgin most of my life, and even well into my married life, so how could I have done anything like what I was accused of.  Sure I like beer! DO YOU LIKE BEER ST. PETER????

St. Peter: Actually I Prefer wine.

K: Well I like BEER! Sure I drank a little bit and occasionally may a slurred a few words, but THAT’S ALL! Nothing like sticking penises in peoples’ faces or groping them while holding my hand over their mouth. I’d have certainly put THAT in my calendar, wouldn’t I? And since I didn’t it proves that I didn’t do any such things. How come when PJ and Judge were questioned they didn’t say it happened and they didn’t write it in their calendars either! How about confession??? Wouldn’t I have said something in Confession which I went to every day – sometimes more? Where are THOSE records? I’ve worked my Butt off to get into Heaven. I’ve done everything my party asked me to do – blindly and without giving it a second thought. I demand you let me through those Pearly Gates Now!

St. Peter: Go to Hell!

How Brett Kavanaugh might behave as a Supreme Court Justice (satire)

If Brett Kavanaugh’s behavior at the  Senate Judiciary Committee hearings is anything like how he will be as a Supreme Court Justice, here is how I imagine the re-hearing of the Roe v Wade case go……

CJ: We will now begin to hear from the lawyer in defense of Roe v Wade

K: Chief Justice, before we begin these arguments I’d like to make a statement…

CJ: Go ahead, but make it brief

K: We need to take a vote on this now. These arguments have all been heard before. If there was anything new, why didn’t they come up before? Also, who is this Roe person? She admittedly did not recall how she got pregnant so what gives her the right to terminate it? Women who get pregnant have plenty of time to decide if they want a baby or not – then they wait until after they are pregnant and sometimes far along in it to decide that they don’t want to bear the child? This is just a case of those anti-Christian, #MeToo movement people filling their young heads with ideas about being “career women” instead of stay-at-home-moms, and the liberal Dems pushing forward their misguided agenda. Our founding fathers gave us the Freedom of Religion, and my Religion says abortion is wrong, so I am exercising my Freedom! The founding fathers said nothing about the right to an abortion, so obviously they were against it. If they had objections, why didn’t they come forward when the Bill of Rights was written instead of waiting some 200 years before raising this issue when the Democrats were in power and could sway the court their way. I think the American people have waited long enough for us to decide this issue and now that we (conservatives) are in the majority, I see no reason to further delay this miscarriage of justice by my Liberal predecessors. We’ve already had more than 40 years of arguments, hearing more is just the Liberal Dems tactic to delay, delay, delay. I’m in favor of dismissing any further talk on this and let’s take a vote today on this.

Evangelical and Anti-Abortion Groups Demand Dr. Ford be Questioned by an Exorcist

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Evangelical groups and anti-abortion groups who are now terrified of losing their best prospect for a Supreme Court majority, have demanded that the Judiciary Committee subject Ford to questions by a Professional Exorcist.

“It is quite clear to us that she has been possessed by the devil. That is how she is able to pass these polygraph tests, and sound so convincing – 'The Devil may assume a pleasing shape and lie'.  We need to have a professional exorcist question her to get her to renounce the devil and confess. They know methods that will get to the truth and force the devil to relinquish control of her."

Trump prepares new short list of SCOTUS candidates- Grant Robicheaux and Cecil Riley

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 As pressure mounts to withdraw  Brett Kavanaugh from consideration for Justice to the Supreme Court over allegations of sexual impropriety some 30 years ago, Trump is preparing a new short list just in case. At the top of the list are Grant Robicheau and Cecil Riley who according to Trump "...represent the highest moral character standards that exist in this country”. Although both of these people are currently under indictment for drugging and sexually assaulting their women victims over nearly a decade or more, Trump tweeted. “Don’t think that’ll be a problem. Besides at least we don’t have to go back 30 years for these allegations.”

Bombshell Op-Ed exposes Trump's Erratic Behavior on Golf Course and Those who Are Trying to Control It

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

PUTTS Magazine this week published a bombshell Op-Ed piece from anonymous sources who have caddied for Trump and are now speaking out about his erratic behavior on the golf course and how they are keeping him under control by whatever subversive measures they need to.

“I am the resistance – well I suppose me and the other guys too, who I also can’t mention by name. We caddie for President Trump when he plays at Mar a Lago and his other courses. Everyone knows he can be pretty explosive when angry – and right now he’s angry alot! But when he has a bad golf day, things can really get explosive – like WWIII explosive! So we make sure that doesn’t happen. He’s a totally lame golfer who just flails away, but we make sure that every shot ends up in the perfect place. When he shoots one in the drink – which is most of the time - we tell him it landed on the green. When he hits someone else’s ball, we tell him it was his. He rarely listens to us when we tell him what club to use, so we just hand him the right one regardless of which one he thinks he should hit with. No matter what we make sure he always scores par or below. I figure we’re doing this country a big service by keeping him under control like this– otherwise who knows what he’d do.”

Signed

The Resistance

Trump Convinced by His Staffers That Hillary Clinton is the Source Op-Ed Piece

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 In another late night Tweet by Donald Trump, he tweeted “I have been convinced by all my members of my wonderful and loyal staff that it was Hilary Clinton who wrote that malicious and totally false op-ed piece in the New York Times. Her fingerprints are all over it! I am ordering Jeff Sessions to investigate this, and THIS time LOCK HER UP!"

Other sources have suggested it might have been Sasha Cohen.

Trump Tweet’s MANDATORY Cool Aid Party for All White House Staff

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 After two days of bombshell revelations about Trump’s Presidency coming from anonymous sources within the White House, a Livid Donald Trump today tweeted he was calling a “MANDATORY Cool Aid Party” for all staff to attend and “DRINK IT!”. While it is uncertain exactly what he means by this, sources close to him he may be planning a repeat of Jim Jones’ lethal Cool Aid party in which he laced it with Cyanide and ordered everyone to drink it.

Faux Mint to Offer “The Mueller Indictment Series Commemorative Coin Set”

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Now, an exclusive offer from the Faux Mint Company, “The Mueller Indictment Series”. This exclusive offer commemorates each of the many individuals who have been indicted, flipped, or convicted in Mueller’s Investigation. Approximately every month you will receive a new coin cast in precious metal and plated in silver, bronze or gold depending on how close that individual was to Donald Trump. You will be able to hold and admire each of these coins for years to come – and they will become only more valuable as the collection grows and grows. Each coin comes with a certificate of authenticity as well as a complete copy of the indictment or plea of that individual. You’ll be able to commemorate these achievements for years to come – cast forever into these beautiful commemorative coins.

Obama Apologizes To Republicans for “Leading them into a Life of Crime”

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 A very saddened former President Obama today released a press statement in which he wanted to apologize to the Republican Party for “Leading them into a Life of Crime.”

“There have been so many indictments of so many Congressmen and high up officials.” He went on to say, “I somehow just know somehow it was my fault – Maybe it was getting the ACA Bill passed, or rescuing the economy from total collapse, but whatever it was somehow it sent the wrong message to all those Republicans, and they went on to a life of crime. Maybe I should have listened to Joe (Biden) when he said ‘you need to be tougher on these people! If they think they can get away with something now, it’ll only get worse’.  I only hope that the American people can forgive me and learn from this, as I have, and maybe avoid this with the next President.”

Guliani Presents His Latest Defense Arguments – Lies Aren’t Really Lies

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Sounding like a philosophy professor Rudolph Guliani today outlined his latest defense for Trump stating “Since we already know that Truth isn’t Truth, it therefore stands to reason that Lies aren’t Lies either." He goes on to state “Since we’ve established that, how can we accuse President Trump or Donald Trump Jr. of lying to investigators when lies aren’t lies. How can there be a crime of perjury here?”

Giuliani Now Says “The Real Donald Trump Not To Blame – Trump’s Evil Twin Is”

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

After a week of bizarre statements by Chief Council Rudolph Giuliani in an interview Sunday with NBC’s Chuck Todd, Giuliani today stated that he now knows who is behind the collusion with Russian agents during the election. “It was Trump’s evil twin brother. This brother has long been kept a secret from the public and even members of his own family. It now has become evident that he was the one who might be behind any collusion with Russian Agents – if there was any collusion – which of course there wasn’t. The Real Donald Trump is completely innocent. He only has been attacking the press, the FBI, the Justice Department, Mueller and everyone else just to protect his twin brother. He cares very much for him and will do anything to protect him. But he – meaning the REAL Donald Trump is completely innocent.”

When pressed about the daily onslaught of bizarre tweets coming from Trump's twitter account (@RealDonaldTrump), Giuliani confessed “These are also the work of Trump’s evil twin. He created the account as @RealDonaldTrump only to divert attention away from him, the NOT real Donald Trump.”

While heads in the Press room were swimming in a “WTF expression” of bewilderment, Giuliani added, “This is not a time to pile on the President (i.e. The REAL Donald Trump). He is carrying a great burden now having to deal with the fact that his family’s dreadful secret is out at last.”

Putin Offers to Stage His Own Military Parade to Replace One Trump Canceled

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

After tweeting that he was canceling his planned military parade due to DC politicians, Vladimir Putin tweeted back,

“My Dear Comrade (not no too close, ha,ha). 

I am deeply sorry that you cannot have your parade. I will be very happy to make for you an even greater parade down Pennsylvania Avenue of our great Russian Armed Forces including jets flying over, tanks rolling through Washington, and Ballistic Missiles rolling past your White House. We will happily supply more than 100,000 of our troops to make this happen for you. I expect my parade for you to last 2 days, or a week, and perhaps much much longer. And do not worry about cost, my dear Comrade, it is the least we can do to pay you back for all the help you have given us over the past year”

Your Comrade

Vlad

Paul Manafort Found Guilty of 32 Counts of Terrible Taste in Clothes

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

The jury in the Paul Manafort case came forward with a 32 count guilty verdict for Terrible Taste in Clothing. They also found him guilty of 21 counts of Insanely Poor Shopping Habits.

One juror, who refused to be identified stated, "My mind was pretty well made up when I saw that Ostrich jacket  - and the price he paid for it - $15,000. It was truly hideous! Also the prices he paid for those other suits - $50,000 or more for something you could pick up at Nordstroms Rack for $250! The man is clearly guilty of poor taste and poor shopping habits.”

His sentencing is expected next month where the judge will most likely force him to wear an orange jump suit for possibly the rest of his life.

Coal Prices Soar on Reports of Huge Order from Santa Claus

Satirical News Service
New York, NY

Shares of Coal Futures soared today amid reports of a huge order by Santa Claus Industries. Their CEO, Kris Kringle, confirmed the order saying our demand for coal this Xmas is going thru the roof. The number of naughty keeps growing, and there is worry that there will be insufficient coal available to put in their stockings. Most of the coal will be sent to the Washington Beltway region where the naughty top the list, mostly from people high up in government offices. "Perhaps THIS is how Trump is going to bring back the coal industry to America", said one spokesperson.

Trump Awarded First Ever Nobel “Piss” Prize

First Ever Nobel Piss Prize Awarded to Donald Trump

Satirical News Service
Stockholm, Sweden

Today the Nobel Prize Commission in Stockholm announced that they were giving the first ever Nobel “Piss Prize” to Donald Trump. It is in recognition of the fact that he has managed to “Piss-Off” more than three-quarters of the world’s population. 

In their award statement, they said,

“We have never before seen the world so united in their common disgust of Donald Trump. Wherever we went – even in the remotest parts of Africa and the far polar regions in the North, 3 out of 4 people had the same reaction to him – ‘He a total (expletive deleted)’. “

The award comes with a monetary prize of  1 öre – worth less than 1 cent US.

Putin Robocalls Trump’s Candidates to Help Win Mid Term Elections

Satirical News Service
Moscow, Russia

Vladimir Putin has offered to help President Trump in his campaign to get Republicans in mid-term elections with Robocalls that will go out to Republicans in contested districts.

"Pree-vyét (hello) Americans. It is your old friend and new ally Vladimir Putin calling to urge you to go out and vote for (name of candidate), who is also great friend and ally of Mr. Trump. Together, but with no collusion, we Make Amerika Great Again. He will fulfill promise of building US border wall and re-build Berlin Wall too, to keep out immigrants who might be trying to leave oppressive regimes in countries. (name of candidate) promises to be very tough on me so we can all be friends. So get out and vote for (name of candidate)."

"I’m Donald Trump and I approve this message that I and my entire family had no prior knowledge of and certainly did not collude in its making. "

New Documentary Shows Lincoln Pleaded with Congress to Build Wall between North and South

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 A new documentary has recently been released showing new evidence that in 1861 Lincoln pleaded with Congress to “Build a Wall between Northern States and Southern States” to prevent illegal immigration of  Black slaves who were escaping and illegally crossing the border in large numbers. “We need that wall!, Lincoln pleaded, “to prevent a Civil War between the States”. But in the end, the Democratic Party held up his vitally needed wall and resulted in the Civil War. The new documentary also shows that Fort Sumter was only fired upon after it was learned that Union Soldiers from that fort were coming to take away their guns. They fired only to protect their Second Amendment Rights.

Kim Jong-Un Posts Blueprints for Printing your own Fully Functional ICBM on Your Home 3D printer

Satirical News Service
Pyongyang, DPK

Taking a cue from the recent posting of the blueprints to “print” your own fully-functional-plastic-3D gun, Kim Jong-Un today posted downloadable blueprints for his ICBM’s complete with a nuclear warhead that can be printed with any low-cost home 3D printer. He tweeted, “Now everyone can also be a nuclear power.”

Trump wants Funds for New Version of Statue of Liberty

Design of New Border Statue people have called the "Stay the F*** OUT" Statue

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Donald Trump today tweeted that in addition to funding for his “Border Wall” with Mexico, he also wants to include in the package funding for a “newer” version of the Statue of Liberty. This version, however, would feature a large figure of a ragged gun totting man standing more than 200 feet tall from its base pointing South. Its mouth is open appearing to vocalize obscenities. The design for the statue has been called by many as the  “Stay the F*** OUT of Our Country” statue. Trump wants 80 million dollars to fund it. He has threatened again to shut down the government if Congress does not approve the funding for it.

Putin Offers to Run Government if President Trump Shuts it Down

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 After President Trump made new threats today to shut down the US government if he does not get his Border Wall passed, Vladimir Putin offered to run America. “We are used to running countries when there is disagreement”, said Putin, “We would be very happy to run your country for as long as we like”.  As yet there has been no response from the White House, but today Mr. Trump tweeted “Thank you Mr. Putin, I will seriously consider your kind offer”.

Putin Agrees to Meet with Trump in Washington, But Only if He Gets to Bring His Army

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Putin has agreed to meet with Trump again this coming November, but only on the condition that he be allowed to bring his entire army to stage what he called "A Military Parade to honor Mr. Trump".  It is estimated that this will consist of more than 12,000 troops as well as tanks and missiles on trucks which will parade down Pennsylvania Avenue to a "Yuge" viewing crowd.
"I want to show my solidarity with the American people", said Putin. He added, "They may want to stay a while too."

Iron Chiefs – America

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Our contestant Iron Chiefs come from different parts of the world and have iron domination over both their populations. They bring with them a team of experienced interrogators adept at getting confessions from even the most intransigent subjects.

Contestants have just one hour to prepare their subjects and deliver them for an indictment to our Interrogation Stadium panels of secret judges.

This month’s ingredient is Meddling. 

Iron Chief Putin who will you be preparing for our Interrogation Stadium.

Putin: We plan to dish out interrogation to former U.S. ambassador Michael McFaul. This will involve first a slow simmer and then beatings and prolonged electric shocks. After which he will be served with arrest under cover and presented before you.

Iron Chief Trump who will you be preparing for Interrogation Stadium.

Trump: I’ve brought our most experience “enhanced interrogators” from Guantanamo Bay who will dish it out to your Russian operative. We’ll start with a water-bath followed by prolonged stress positions, and ultimately loud music and hallucinatory drugs to finish off the dish. These will then be served to our secret courts and whisked away to unknown places.

Well, whatever you have planned it time to GET INTERROGATING!

Trump Announces New Design For Air Force One

Satirical News Service Washington, DC

Trump announced a Redesign of Air Force One today.

“Air Force One is going to be incredible. It’s going to be the top of the line, the top in the world, and it’s going to be red, white and blue. Which I think is appropriate.”

Trump Apologizes to Russia for US starting Cold war. Promises to re-build Berlin Wall.

Satirical News Service
Helsinki, Finland

President Trump today formally apologized to Vladimir Putin for the US starting the Cold War which brought down the Soviet Union. In a tweet, he sent just hours ago he stated.

“The Cold War – which brought great hardship to the Russian people, was largely the fault of Democratic Presidents Truman, Kennedy, and Obama – and now thanks to the great leadership of Mr. Putin is now largely over. There is still a lot of work to be done in Europe, which the Russians are already starting to do in The Ukraine and Crimea to bring peace and stability to that region. We have agreed to rebuild the Berlin Wall with Russia’s help so that Germany can keep out immigrants who are infesting Europe – and Germany is going to pay for it!”

Putin Gives “Ask Alexi” Gift to Trump

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

To demonstrate how solid Putin’s relationship is with Trump, Premier Putin gave Trump an “Ask Alexi” device as a gift. According to Russian officials, it works like Amazon’s Echo and is always listening for any possible question or request President Trump might have for Premier Putin. 

Recently a secret tape was obtained of Putin demonstrating how it works to Trump.

Putin: All you haff to do Mr. Trump as say “Alexi”, and then ask you question. Go ahead and try it…..

Trump: “Alexi, Did Russia meddle in the 2016 Presidential Election?”

Alexi: “Of course not boychek! This is total fabrication of deep state and fake press to try to discredit you”

Trump: “Alexi, What can I do to stop Mueller and his investigation of me?”

Alexi: “Mr. Mueller might happen to stumble upon a bottle of nerve gas sometime soon that could of course not be traceable to anyone in the White House or Kremlin”.

Trump: “Alexi, Who is our greatest Ally?”

Alexi” “Russia! Of course!”

Trump Announces 2018 World Tyrants Tour

Satirical News Service

Washington, D. C.

After his “successful” meetings with Kim Jong Un, NATO, and Melissa May, the Trump Administration announced its latest plan for the 2018 World Tyrants Tour. This will include state visits to leaders in some of the world's most repressive regimes including Russia, Myanmar, Venezuela, Syria, Saudi Arabia, and possibly Iran. In each country, he'll shake hands with their leader and stand shoulder-to-shoulder with them while he praises what a great job they are doing and how America can now be their friend. According to White House sources, the tour is designed to demonstrate what a skillful negotiator he is at wringing concessions from formerly hostile regimes, It remains to be seen what if any concessions will be offered but It does r promote his own brand of “mano-a-mano” diplomacy. Iran still presents a problem after he blew-off the hard win Nuclear agreement, but sources within the Trump Administration say “he'll put it back on the table minus any inspections, and that should make them happy.”

New EMOJI to replace Walmart Rollback Happy Face

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 As Trump and China enter into a whole new phase of a Trade War, Walmart has designed a whole new marketing campaign around it. Replacing the happy-faced “Rollback” EMOJI will be the “WTF JACKUP” EMOJI. Shoppers will start to see these all over the Walmart stores in the very near future and just in time for the Xmas holidays.

Cave Rescuers Now Called upon to Rescue 2500 children trapped in “Detention Caves” in Texas

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 After performing a near-miraculous feat of rescuing 12 boys and their coach from a flooded cave in Thailand, they may be called upon to perform an even harder feat of recusing nearly 2500 boys and girls, some under the age of 3, who are trapped in cave-like conditions in a detention center near the Texas-Mexican border. According to one of the SEAL rescue divers who was involved in the Thai cave rescue, “The obstacles involved in rescuing these youths in Texas are far more numerous. They are trapped in tiny cage-like rooms deep in an inaccessible part of the country. Even getting to them involves traversing miles of red tape and government intransigence compounded by constant floods of misinformation and outright lies by the NEWS and government officials. Even if we could reach them, getting them out might take months – even years.” Early pictures of the youth show them huddled together with only “space blankets” for warmth in the cave-like conditions inside the facility. How long they can survive there in those conditions is unknown.

Mexico’s New President Agrees to Build Trumps Border Wall – Along 1840 Border Lines

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

Almost immediately after declaring victory in Mexico’s general election, the newly elected president Andres Manuel Lopez Obrador spoke with President Trump and assured him that he would indeed build that border wall, the Trump has so often talked about. He announced his plan today to the Mexican public who were aghast until he displayed a map of where he planned to build the wall. It clearly showed the 1840 Mexico-US border, which today incorporates Texas, Arizona, and California. In his statement, he announced that preparations are now underway to construct this border wall and that anyone who remains on its side must apply for Mexican citizenship or face immediate deportation. We intend on having a zero-tolerance policy toward immigration. The USA has been sending us rapists, drug dealers, and gang members for many years, and this must stop. I say “Build That Wall!”

The Trump administration had yet to comment on this new development. The Mexican public was overwhelmingly in support of it.

Trump Expected to Name His Son Baron as Supreme Court Nominee

Satirical News Service
Washington, DC

Donald Trump today named his 12-year-old son Baron to be the new Supreme Court justice to replace Anthony Kennedy who announced his plan to retire. "I want someone who will on the court for the next 50 years", he stated at the Press conference. Reporters questioned this decision stated he could only read at a 7th grade level, and had no knowledge of  Constitutional Law. Responding to this Trump said "He doesn't need to read - he just needs to do exactly what I tell him to!"

Sarah Huckabee Reviews The Hen Restaurant in Lexington, VA

Satirical News Service
Lexington, VA

After I had heard so much hype about the famous “Hen Restaurant” in Lexington, VA, I decided to try it myself. I must confess that I was severely disappointed.

I started with “The Hate Plate” which I found very bitter and very difficult to chew. It would have been much better if it had more heat to it and came accompanied by thick rashers of racism. This was followed by a what was supposed to be a large helping of Bigotry, but I confess I could find little trace of it. Portions of this same dish served in Mr. Trumps’ restaurants over-fill the plate and even then there is more left over. Here, you could barely muster a bite of it. 

The next course was what was listed as “Righteous Indignation”. I found it very hard to swallow, so I would highly recommend you do not order it. The last course was a "mixed plate of lies, half-truths, and outright falsehoods". While it had the right idea, I found that it lacked the skill to prepare it properly. At Mr. Trump’s restaurants, they serve it piping hot and smothered with vitriol and piss-and-vinegar. This dish seemed tepid and weak. The only dish that I did find to my liking was what the Menu listed as “Minny Jackson’s Chocolate Surprise Pie”. I really don’t know exactly what that surprise was, but I really ate it up and asked for seconds.

By-the-way the service was lousy!

Zero Stars!

Sarah Huckabee Sanders

White House Releases Photos Of Democratic First Ladies Emblazoned Clothing

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

After coming under harsh criticism for Melenia Trump’s wearing what could only be called a heartless cynical expression emblazoned on her designer jacket in the midst of a growing humanitarian crisis in the US that said “I Don’t Really Care. Do you?”, the White House countered back that the Democratic First Ladies had done it first. Releasing what they said were un-altered photos of previous Democratic First Ladies that they claimed were gleaned from the historical presidential archives at the Smithsonian, they said: “This proves it!”

Kim Jong-Un Magnanimously Agrees to Take Refugee Children (and Women too)

Satirical News Service
Washington DC

 In a communique delivered by the DPRK, President and Eternal Leader Kim Jong-Un has agreed to take all those troublesome children who have crossed the US border illegally – and some of the women too! In his statement “As a gesture of our newly found comradery, the DPRK has agreed to take off your hands those criminal refugee children who are causing you so much difficulty. We will also take some of the women too. We have lots of places for such children and their mothers and know how to deal with them”. 

As of yet, the White House has not responded to Kim’s offer.

KIM WANTS BORDER WALL TOO- AND DEMANDS TRUMP PAY FOR IT!

Satirical News service
Pyongyang  DPRK

Still flush after his grand “Photo Op” with President Trump, Kim Jong-Un, is making a new demand before he will start any measures toward denuclearization. In a statement released by DPRK media, Kim has stated that North Korea NEEDS A WALL between North and South Korea. While he did not state whether the wall was to keep his people in, or other people out, the implication was clearly the former. In his briefly worded statement, he said: “We need a Wall – and I’m going to make Donald Trump Pay for it!” To demonstrate his resolve, Kim has ordered more than 10,000 children to be separated from their parents and taken to “special internment camps” to be held there until he gets his wall – no matter how long it might take. There was no immediate word from the White House or State Department.

French Government Demand Return of Statue of Liberty

Satirical News Service
Paris, France

In a sharply worded communique to the United States, the French government has demanded the return of the Statue of Liberty that has stood in New York Harbor for more than 100 years. In his statement, France’s President Macron stated “At the time this gift was bestowed to the United States, it acted as a symbol to people worldwide that the United States offered hope from a life of persecution, intolerance, and injustice. It was felt that this statue by Frédéric Auguste Bartholdi with her shining torch symbolized this hope. We in France are sad to say that today in the United Stated States quite the opposite is true. We feel it hypocritical to let the work of a such a great Frenchman continue to stand in the gateway of that country. We are henceforth sending a group of French Engineers who will be responsible for the dismantling and relocation of the Statue to a country that is more fitting to receive it.”